That sucks that your T ignored your text. How often does he respond to texts that don't pertain to scheduling? LIke 50% of the time? More? less? maybe he's just busy today??

Yaku,

I so get your post. It feels that the more I listen to me, the harder things get. It was so much easier in some ways to just please everyone because the fallout this way is really difficult, especially because I'm still not confident in feeling my own feelings or having a stronger sense of self. It's like being on teeter totter.

xoxox

Liese

Rarely (lately) unless I ask a specific question or am obviously freaking out and then I'll get a lot of texts. Otherwise, sometimes I get a quick, "Praying." Yes, he is always very busy. I just need to learn to not feel rejected/ignored/abandoned by his unavailability. Super triggered by family drama going on right now. I get used as their therapist, so feeling like roadkill...or like I'm back living in that unsafe home they all choose to stay in. I project he ignores me because he thinks I'm attention seeking and doesn't want to encourage bad behavior or even my ridiculous feelings by rewarding them with contact. Probably not true, but it feels like just another "parent" not caring how much pain I'm in or that their ambivalence hurts me even more. The more I text without a response, the more ashamed I feel & then I want to punish, so I can't even explain how I'm feeling to him right now...but I have told him in the past, I sometimes feel neglected, which is why i hate texting without rules on what I should do and what to expect from him...

quote:

I project he ignores me because he thinks I'm attention seeking and doesn't want to encourage bad behavior or even my ridiculous feelings by rewarding them with contact. Probably not true, but it feels like just another "parent" not caring how much pain I'm in or that their ambivalence hurts me even more.

How often do you text him?

I wonder if he thinks your texts are more of a stream of consciousness rather than something you are seeking a response to.

I hope that as you progress in T, you will find the self-respect inside to be able to "let your no mean no, and your yes mean yes." In other words, find your value with the help of your T, and that your value doesn't hinge on how helpful or loving you are. You have value just because you are you- that's good enough.then the things you do for others will be because you want to, and not because you feel obligated, or pressured by the interior voice that isn't accepting. hugs,

BB

Liese - thanks, tester tottering is a really good description!

LG - embarrassed, but usually 1-2 times per day. Once if just checking in (litmus test or "thread" as he calls it), second time would usually be because thoughts or behaviors are escalating. If I am completely freaking out (actual bad events or really triggered), he usually responds, but less so recently. He wants me to report actions, but when I do, he ignores it, and I have told him several times if he responds I feel guilty and if he doesn't, I feel neglected. I also usually report my extreme projections of disgust and judgment from lack of response. He really is in a no win situation with me, because my reactions are hard to predict, even for me...plus, I have told him to just do what comes naturally and I will try to do. I am honest about how it makes me feel, but I have been clear it's about me and not him, so that's why he probably doesn't see the need to change. Since I am so self-aware, maybe he doesn't see the need to stabilize/normalize me? But sometimes I want more from him than I actually need. Should he give into those wants just because I feel crummy? I don't know. Maybe it's more important for me to learn over time that even if he isn't immediately available, he is still "there" as my support and that absence won't break our connection next time we are together. I have expressed that idea to T (in a journal entry) as well. I guess if I look at this from an attachment perspective, I'm wishing he would make sure I am securely established with him before experimenting with this separation anxiety. I don't even know if that is what he is doing...but I don't like how insecure I feel. His answer would probably be to accept my insecurity in and of myself and bring it to God.

JD - yeah, I'm glad I don't live at home. Having my oldest sister, who is always entangled w our mom, living here is a daily trigger. Plus, my younger sisters (practically daughters) still live with our mom and they are calling for support. Usually, they would escape to my place when $#!+ goes down, but since the sexsomnia stuff with H happened, they don't feel safe here. So, I am being triggered on childhood and marriage issues at the same time...and I'm really feeling like I'm losing myself. Thanks for your understanding.

BB - crossposted. Yes, that is a hard lesson to learn. It's a struggle because I really do like helping others, but I made my identity so much about it that there wasn't enough left to build anything else with. And now, H feels like me wanting more for myself is judging that he and my daughter aren't enough for me. So, he's putting me in the position where valuing me means devaluing him and our little girl. He keeps asking why I can't just be happy with our family like he is and why just being a good wife and mom isn't enough. Why I can't just wait several years until it's more convenient. I basically said nevermind, because his pain and misunderstanding was making me hate myself again. That's not what H was trying to do, so I feel even worse. My fault again. I set things up to run the way they are.

Yaku,

Don't be embarrassed. Heck, lately I've been texting T1 about 6 times a day! I just talked to her earlier today for an hour and already I'm struggling to not text her. I know how hard it can be to control the urge to reach out to T. I think you are correct about learning that over time if he isn't available immediately, he is still "there" as your support. its like our Ts are teaching us to be patient and secure when we don't get automatic responses from the people who matter to us. Ultimately, its a good thing to learn that.

I have days like that too, but usually only when he actually responds. The more texts I send with no response, the more likely I will get worked up in shame and punish. It must be confusing to him, because I usually walk through all the stuff he would say to me. If I'm projecting, I tell him I know it's probably not true. If I'm upset, I tell him I am praying and know he probably is too. If I'm acting out, I tell him I am "bringing it into the light." Perhaps he just feels I have a good grasp on the situation and there is nothing more he can offer. Still, sometimes it would help to just be reminded he cares when I am hurting. The time he texted he was sorry it was so rough and he wished he could take my pain away is the most contained I've ever felt...I felt safe there.

I am wondering Yaku if he used to respond more than he does now or has he always been like this with responding to texts?

I think you are being unduly harsh on yourself. You do not bear 100 percent of the responsibility. Your h could step in, right? Why is it wrong for you to do something for you that would help you to feel more independent? It's like the corny old saying "if you love something, let it go free...if it comes back to you, then it's yours. If it doesn't it never was.." I deal with this dynamic too, leading down the road of self- destruction and denial of myself, and it has gotten noone in my family anywhere. Very, very difficult cycle to break. You are doing hard, hard work. Glad you have a good T to come alongside in that...it is crucial.

Beebs

BB

LG - In the very beginning, he was more responsive with texts, but that is probably because I was so resistant to even doing them, so worried I was burdening him all the time, he probably wanted to reassure me until he knew I wouldn't quit it entirely and close back down. It was after we had a few conversations back and forth on me not being sure whether or not it was helpful to be texting that he backed off...I think he is always either busy or trying to do what he THINKS is needed, but how can he know if even I don't have a clue until three hours later I am stewing over being ignored. Poor T! I have so much sympathy for him.

BB - Maybe. But, honestly, all my life, the message I have sent is that fulfilling others fulfilled me. That's what I truly believed and it is 95% true, but 5% of me wants to be ambitious and touch the world in a larger way. H and I had a nice conversation about it tonight where I came to understand that I had been projecting a bit and also that he did not really communicate what he meant, because of the hurt of feeling I was judging our family as deficient. He had a session with T today and I know they discussed it a little. It's honestly 75% a financial issue to him, but because he is so straight-forward, I was feeling unsupported. What he was trying to say is that until I learn to value me for just being me, the search for a "place" or something to do will be fruitless. He thought I was looking for new studies or a career to define me. I was able to tell him that what I was trying to do was make a choice to believe myself worthy of value by doing something that I wanted to do, that interested me, that would make me proud...and that his reaction made me think I didn't deserve it. Or that the only way I could have that was to role reverse and make him completely sacrifice for me. Once he understood that, we were a little more settled on he fact that if finances permit, he fully supports me "finding" my identity and figuring out if I want to do more than I am now or if I'm happy as things are.

Still feeling really scared about my session tonight. I am panicking about how I will feel when it is over. I think I'm afraid with so much family trigger stuff going on this week that either it will be a disconnected session (I blank out and can't talk and then regret wasting that time that T could have been helping me process) or that I will be upset and then be stranded when the session ends "too soon." Either one of those usually has disastrous results for the couple of days following counseling. I think I am starting to dissociate from the anxiety overload, because all I can feel right now is tired.

((((yaku)))))

I'm sorry you are feeling so nervous! I can so relate. I felt that way even in the waiting room at my T's office today. I was totally checking out even right there. (Thankfully, somehow, she helped me re-ground. Actually we were both surprised I got re-grounded today. go fig.)

Maybe you could try taking some notes in of what you want to talk about with him? maybe that would help, be something to refer to, if you get stuck? I do that a lot. no matter what, I hope and pray it goes well and that you find relief after going. Try to remeber, there is vaklue in just going and connecting, and being present just wherever you are at even if you can't talk about all of what you want to.

Do post if you can about how it goes...

~jane

((((Yaku))))

Good luck tonight. I hope that you get what you need from this session. Your T sounds like he's really there for you, and I hope you can let him be there...

Along the same lines of what Jane suggested about taking notes, I have taken to journaling the night before (and sometimes the day of) my session. Sometimes it's a list, sometimes it's paragraphs, sometimes it's a letter to my T. At any rate, I journal everything out, and then edit it down to the specifics (I tend to write lots of details in, when really the message can get conveyed in a sentence or two!) I end up with a Dear T letter that I will usually walk in and hand my T. It takes her about 3-4 minutes, at most, to read it, and it is a great way for me to let her into my head without having to say a single word. She then takes the content of the letter and dives into our session for the day.

At any rate - good luck, and we'll be thinking of you!

Thanks JD, R2G. T gets every journal entry via email and then he'll bring things up. I haven't journaled about my trigger stuff yet, though. Sometimes I bring lists of questions as well. But, sometimes I literally freeze so bad I can't even read from my list. Or I don't feel like I can answer him. I just sit there sketching geometrical shapes or filling my paper with black and can't even take notes. I hope that doesn't happen tonight. All I want is to feel the connection and I'm afraid it won't be there or it will be so strong it will feel like dying when I have to go. What is wrong with me?!

SORRY to keep posting so much. Total anxiety attack. H has to do a patch on one of his systems at work, starting at 6:00 pm and will probably just barely get home in time for me to make my session. He said he would come home and go back in if he needs to, but he loses track of time too often...and I usually get there 30 minutes either to calm down/ground first. And now I'm having an effing anxiety attack. I can't breathe and my chest hurts and I feel dizzy and nauseous. BLAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for the understanding, Monte. I end up with a lot eyeballs/faces sometimes as well. But, I don't even pay attention to what I'm doodling. It's almost completely unconscious. Last session, I put my notebook on the table, so I could stay "there" with him, which he liked. I picked it up six times in 30 minutes (unconsciously) and one time started leaning over the table and drawing again. It took me a significant amount of effort to even realize I was doing it unintentionally and stop myself (and apologize, which T said was unnecessary)...then it would start again.