I know I have not been around much and it's been mostly hit or miss with my replies. I'm sorry for that as I've been going through some bad stuff lately... yeah still with regard to oldT.

Without going into detail I'm still trying to get my clinical records from him. He's making things difficult and letters are going back and forth for the past few months and still no resolution. I am also asking for a face to face meeting. I feel I need to do this and my current T supports me (albeit a bit reluctantly... because he does not want oldT to hurt me again).

Over the past few days I had to go back to certain places that brought back a lot of what happened last summer. I had to face down the fear of going back to a traumatic place and had to battle the grief again. I've also been feeling really tired. I still wake up each morning with the shakes trying to pull myself together to face the day of work and family and school etc.

I saw my T today and just something about finally being there and being with him just released all the sadness and grief that I was squashing down all weekend and I spent most of my time there crying about stuff that relates to oldT. He was wonderful as usual and very caring and understanding. Very "there" with me.

When I got there he noticed and commented on my pendant. He asked if he could look at it which means we sort of had to get closer LOL... and that gave me some anxiety. Not sure why. So I told him that I'm still not used to the idea that he "sees" me. He kinda chuckled and asked why wouldn't he see me? I said that I didn't think oldT ever saw me. In 3 years he made a comment to me 3 times about something I was wearing. My T then told me he likes my jewelry and sometimes it's something playful, just like he sees that as part of me, my personality, and he likes that. He said that I always look well put together and my hair is always perfect LOL. He said, it always looks good even if it's raining out or windy. I laughed and said "well you have never seen me in the morning" and then I thought "ooh did I say that?" and he chuckled and said... well, yeah, that is true..."

I told him I was tired and wanted to just take a nap on his couch. He said it's a very comfy couch and he has taken naps there on occassion on snow days when people have cancelled. Then I told him how I had to go back to a place that was scary and had really hard memories for me on Sunday and we talked about this. It was a place where I had a very happy, lovely encounter with old T and then months later turned into a place where my son last saw him, where he promised my son he would see him again very soon and then terminated him and never saw him again.

My T talked about how my oldT's inconsistencies really hurt me. He was also good at sending me mixed messages and confusing me. He was afraid of his own feelings towards me and of mine towards him. He didn't understand though why oldT would be afraid of my feelings since I seem to be able to contain them very well. I'm never out of control in any way and am very reasonable.

I talked to him about something really scary and difficult for me. I told him how I have been punished at work for going through that period last summer when I could not function. My boss was really pissed at me for not performing up to my usually super-efficient level and had talked to the manager about cutting my salary. I really didn't think he would go through with it, and I have also been able to improve my efficieny and my mood since finding my current T. Well, on Friday, we got paid and it was plainly evident that he followed through and I got a ten percent salary cut which really really hurts me. I tried SO hard to do my job last summer through all the trauma and pain and grief I was struggling with. I didn't take much time off except for my surgery and the other hospitalization for the complications. The problem was that they found me sometimes crying at my desk and I sometimes took longer at lunchtime because when I was trying to find a new T I would be so prostrate with grief I would sit in my car and cry for an hour before I could come back to work. And then of course I as only able to do the more routine stuff. Anything really complicated (I work in financial services) was totally beyond what my brain was capable of. And now I have hurt my family. They are going to suffer because of what I allowed to happen to me. That I allowed oldT to matter enough to hurt me and us like this and I have not told my dh that my pay has been cut and I just don't know what to tell him or how. Things have already been so hard for us that I have cut back on everything I could. But more than that it's the horrible shame I feel. I'm such a failure. It's my fault. Of course my T argued with me telling me it was not me but my T who failed in this. That my feelings were healthy. That if a patient never develops any feelings for a T over the long term while doing psychodynamic therapy he would worry that something was wrong with them (meaning inherently unhealthy to begin with) or that there was an issue with the therapy itself.

When I told him how hard the mornings are and that I still wake up shaking he asked me where HE was? What was I doing with HIM? I said what do you mean? He wanted to know what I get from him? I said... well if I'm seeing you that day I tell myself I just need to get to him and then I'll feel safe again. He said and on other days? I didn't know. He emphasized that he wants me to take everything I can from him. I told him I get empathy and safety. He said he would hope he offers me reassurance and support and connection and the relationship itself. He wants me to take that in. He said I take very little of what he offers to me into myself and he feels that part of the problem is that I have SO deeply internalized my oldT that it's really difficult for me to allow anyone else in. He told me that what he gives me is mine and is freely given to me. He wants me to have it. That I will always have it even if he drops dead tomorrow. No one can take it away from me, not even me and surely not him. He said this will protect me and make me less vulnerable. He said it's not an option... I must take it in... it will help me if I do. He was sort of smiling at me when he said it's not an option. I said oh that's an order? teasing him.

I think I need time to process all of this today. I hated leaving him today. He shook my hand and patted my arm. It felt good. I really wanted to hug him. He asked me if I was okay to go. We made a few minutes of small talk at the door and it helped me to calm down. He told me I worked really hard today and I always do. He said he'd let me know if my files arrive before our next session on Thursday.

There are times when I'm hit with the grief of what my oldT did to me. It infiltrates so many parts of my life. Then I struggle to live my life because I'm trying to avoid stuff that reminds me of him. Yet, I have to do certain things and then what happens is I get really dissociative or I numb out so I can't feel the pain. Life has become so constricted. The fear is so much a part of everything. Yes, I'm better than I was but so what? I'm still suffering the repercusions of last summer at work and with my son. My therapy has been off track since last June... that is almost ONE YEAR. If I didn't have a journal I would not even remember what I was talking about with oldT just before he went crazy.

sorry for rambling about all of this. I felt I had to write it out to process some of it. I may delete... not sure. I'm just feeling a lot of self-hate right now for all that I've allowed to happen to me and how I reacted to it all.

TN