I'm struggling with finding steadiness in my life. A lot of things keep changing for me, both internally and externally. My heart, my sense of self, my way of being in the world keeps changing lately, mostly for the good. Things keep changing around me too. Some of the changes have been due to trauma, hardship, losses, deaths, and just transitions that happen in life. It’s all just come in one but storm of shifts, and I don’t like change! At least not this much, and so fast. I had one T move away, and I might be moving to a new city myself soon. I’m working on switching careers and dealing with some hurdles and barriers around that – it’s all stuff I need to do, and the sooner the better, and the more stable my life will be long term. But, I’m single, live alone, and a lot of things and people that were in my life in very steady ways, have changed over the past 6 months. Work, schools, community, therapy, volunteer work, friends… It feels like everything is very unsteady and up in the air all the time now. There isn’t a lot of consistency in anything. Most of it is out of my control. Some of it is changing around in the process of moving towards a better life for myself. All of it is leaving me feeling really turned upside down. It’s kind of freaking me out actually. I even get rather existential about it at times…

The stress of all the transitions, and all the things that are up in the air is beginning to get to me. I’m wondering, what helps others get through times of transitions? Have others found things that help get through times like this? I keep telling myself it’s going to change, it’s going to get better… but it’s getting hard to hang on to.
This will sound silly, but I literally keep some routines now very faithfully, more than ever, just because they are familiar, and I’m CRAVING some sense of that – but they are fleeting and feel false. Actually, I have to work really hard at not thinking everything in life is just pointless. I don’t know why, but all the transitions and lack of steadiness somehow brings my mind to the point of feeling like everything s very futile. I think I really need to work on finding steadiness, and holding on through this time of transition until I get there…

I have my reg T still (I used to have two Ts) and she is at a loss as to what would help me get through this time better. I am even trying to find a new adjunct therapy, or something - wondering if she is even the right T for me anymore... but still going to see her if only because she knows me and is familliar and not sure if I could handle yet another change. It just feels awful though to be going to a T because nothing else is steady, and I just don't want to totally change Ts right now in the mix of everything else changing. I may have to change Ts when I move, but this T said we can even have phone sessions then... but I'm not quite even ready yet to try and handle all the transitions involved in moving out of state.

All this is just making me dizzy. It's hard to even express. I think I am even writing in circles.

~ jane