I go to counselling 1 hr a week. It's at a r*pe crisis place and I've been going since mid-September, so I've had about 13-14 sessions. The T is nice, she is ok at letting me talk, if I start a subject she stays with it etc (this was an issue with a previous T whose style seemed to close every conversation - I thought it was me - my fault - but apparently not!).

My problem is at the end of the sessions. They end completely abruptly. I have said I need to 'stop' 5 mins before the end time and have time to get myself together. But she forgets this. Then I end up clock watching. This week I didn't watch the clock well and 2 mins before the end I suddenly said I'm going to have to finish - look at the time. It's a horrible feeling. I had been talking through the first time I was r*ped when I was little. I was numb again, like the last session (T doesn't think this is a problem). I sat for the last 2 mins wondering if I actually exist (sure sign of dissociation - that whole Alice-in-wonderland I'm not real, disconnect thing). Then she stood up and said are you ok to leave? I mechanically put on my boots and coat and left whilst she was still saying stuff like 'see you next week'. I couldn't speak. I only got about half way down the stairs before a major swtich - and I'm 8 years old, with just enough adult observer left that I dont fall into some sort of amnesic hole.

I'm far from home, spaced out and functioning like an 8 year old in shock. Nightmare. I wandered up and down the high street for a bit, then went back to my car. Thought it would be ok to drive, but started crying in a frightened kinda way as soon as I set off. Managed to get back to being more adult and mentally put the child part in a place she would feel safer.

But I feel bruised and shocked this morning. My T says every week that she feels bad 'putting me out'at the end of the session - but makes no attempt at all to contain the stuff, stop me earlier and bring me to a more functioning place. I'm holding on to all my emotions in sessions - but the aftermath is terrible.

I have raised with her about feeling nothing - and that talking and not feeling didn't seem good and I was worried about it increasing my dissociation. She said 'do you think this (therapy) only works if you feel bad?' I didn't know what to say.

Little SB doesn't like her, doesn't believe she cares. But then little SB was really attached to the previous T... who I'd go back to straight away if I a) had money and b) could ensure she actually listened to me consistently.

Feeling sad and hurting

SB