I'm sitting here exhausted. Did a bunch of cooking tonight for tomorrow's dinner. I am having a really hard time and missing my old T so badly. I wrote him an email but it's in my draft folder. I didn't send it. I hesitated and called my sister who told me NOT to send it as it would undermine what newT is trying to do for me.

To back up a bit... newT sent a letter to oldT requesting a treatment summary and a phone call. That was 10 days ago and newT has not heard anything back from oldT. This is making me crazy. I don't understand how my oldT can ignore the request of another professional and colleage of sorts for information to help his former patient who is suffering with trauma. How much does he truly hate me to be this cruel and unforgiving of what? I don't even know what I did!

I wrote a nice email asking him to please follow through on his statements to me via email (over the past months) that he would meet with my new T and me if new T thought it would be of therapeutic value to do so. And now he is totally ignoring my new T.

The triggers come in because of my last Thanksgiving. I sent old T a long email last Thanksgiving about all the things I was thankful for (aside from my family and my health) it was all about him and the things I have learned, worked on and done in therapy with him. I thanked him for giving me the home I never had, for his endless patience with me, for his willingness to walk with me on this journey, his ability to be with me while I cried, his understanding, encouragement, his ability to make me laugh at myself and on and on including being thankful for my furry friend (his dog). I realized in reading that list that it's now all gone. Everything on that list has been taken away from me. I lost everything. I think what hurts the most was the sudden and unexpected loss of the dog. We had a very special relationship and he loved me as much as I loved him and it didn't matter that I had trauma, or issues, or was not perfect. He loved me because of how much I loved him and it was that simple.

In the email I attached the video of The Climb which talks about the journey being the important part and it sort of reflected how I was coming to feel in therapy and about school and life in general. I was so optimistic and positive last Thanksgiving. What a difference a year makes. I had no idea then I would have it all taken back from me. The loss is really hard and I am trying to hold myself together for this holiday for my family but I want to crawl into a hole and die. I really do. I know I have things to be thankful for but I can't FEEL it just now and that makes me feel so guilty. The grief and loss and feelings of failure are getting in the way.

I cannot believe how much I have lost in a year. And Thanksgiving is making me angry instead of thankful. I'm just so ungrateful.

Saw newT today and we talked about how I always tried to take care of oldT and he allowed me to do so. NewT said he would not accept food from me because that would be taking care of him and his job is to take care for me. He said he has to be careful that we don't fall into that pattern I had with oldT and that made me upset as I feel like I need to be watched out. I told him that I don't like being taken care of and I don't want him to do that. He told me he understands that it makes me uncomfortable.

We talked a bit about my history and some of the last few sessions with oldT and newT said he was being abusive towards me at the end. It should not have happened. That he needed supervision and obviously was not going for help to anyone and so he screwed things up badly. He said that unless I am acting totally totally different now he cannot see anything in my behavior that should have scared away oldT. I am respectful, work hard and do not act out. He showed me a dish in his office that a client gave him. And it was on a piece of furniture that was deeply scratched. He told me she gave him the dish because she smashed the one that was there previously and damaged his furniture too. He did not terminate her, merely talked it over with her and went on working with her.

I think he wants me to understand that is was not me... I did nothing wrong... and I should not blame myself for what happened. I feel I could have changed the ending if I didnt lose control of my emotions and if I had chosen to seek my own consultation. I didn't know a lot of stuff that I realize now. But in the end... I just feel frustrated by my banishment, helpless, hopeless, and back into a corner that I cannot get out of. I have no control over anything.

My sister told me that emailing oldT would just take away any leverage newT would have with him. But if newT never gets a response I don't know what the next step will be. I don't know what he plans to do if anything and I want him to pick up the phone and make a call.

I know this is rambling but when I start to feel the pain of banishment and the frustration at not being heard I start to want to die again. I want this to be over. I am sick and tired of feeling so worthless and horrible and stupid for trusting him. I just want to talk to him... why is that so impossible? I hate feeling so out of control and like I have been erased from this earth by the one person who knows me so well and who told me he cared about me and who I trusted with my life. I am erased and I don't exist any longer and that is worse than death.

I cannot do anything and I am suffering so much. I just cannot keep doing this. I see newT and it just makes it so much worse because he is not my T. He is some man who feels sorry for me.

I hate holidays.

TN