Cnfusdemotionally,

I am not sure what I can tell you to help you. I can just commiserate. I too find it very difficult to ask others for help or to open myself up to be vulnerable to people in my life that I should be able to be vulnerable to (like DH). Lately I'm finding myself thinking what is the worst that could happen. So maybe think: What is the worst that could happen if you brought your true feelings into your T whether on paper or with your voice. If T said "your stupid and weird and I can't stand you". Would you fall apart? I'd just leave and not go back. (And never take that risk again). But the likelihood is that he would receive those feelings with tenderness and care.

Maybe think about what would be the worst that could happen for you and then think through would you survive it. It might make taking the risk worthwhile.

Let me know how it goes.

Jillann

I know this feeling too!
Tell T exactly this! I know it's difficult, but that's probably why you feel stuck. It takes huge amounts of courage and/or vulnerability to do it. I don't think it's messed up by the way. I've asked my current T to just ask me questions because it is hard to talk about myself and my needs. I've always been the friend, daughter, wife, etc. that is the listener, but tries to keep my stuff in thinking it's too much for those others who have their stuff to deal with. With my first therapist we ended up talking about my career direction after a while...guess what?? I ended up with the conclusion (and T confirmed) that I was a great listener and could become a therapist with proper training, which is what I'm working toward!
Even though former T knew this about me, I still felt like I was trying to counsel her or help her with her needs. Sometimes she stopped me and told me she was fine. Other times I really think she did need me. We had some boundary and trigger stuff as well as my insurance ending, so I ended up leaving her after 2.5 years (I still miss her dearly though).
I have a new T that is more of the listener and has amazingly healthy boundaries. I feel like I can tell her my stuff and she can handle it even though she has her personal stuff too.
I'm finding out through my studies, classes, professors, and classmates, that I can be the one in need and I am allowed to lean on others without being too much for them. It actually seems healthier. I can't be the one everyone depends on all of the time. I'm human and I have needs just like everyone else.

I hope in some way this helps! I wish you the best during your sessions. I don't know your T history, but if you don't feel comfortable sharing with this T, can you look for another T?
Sometimes it's just the dynamic or the relationship between the two of you. Or if you know deep down, it's just that you fear taking that risk, then think about why that is and try taking that leap anyway.

Are you able to email your T instead? I know for me, I have sent numerous emails knowing I only needed a second of courage to push 'send' and then it was done....

I've also found it helpful to tell my T how I feel saying things with her. I totally get the shame feelings.

I'll often write an email to my T that starts with 'I really really don't want to send this but I will anyway because I know it's important - just feeling so stupid, and i adequate and so full of shame....'

Then I'll write what it is I need her to know.

And end with what I need (or think I need) - ie ' 'could you please just send a quick reply so I know you don't think I'm the most pathetic human being ever?'

sometimes I'll even add 'I really don't think I can talk about this yet - I feel too much shame / fear /inset emotion here' - I'll also ask her to be gentle, not prod too much and to 'please check if I am able to talk about it first'. Sometimes I'll give her a code word - like 'part 2 of my email' if I'm feeling I can't even cope with hearing the key words.

And she always respects my boundaries with that - she will say 'do you think we can talk about your email' and 99% of the time I CAN - mainly because she is so respects of of my boundaries and I taut she won't push too hard.

If you're not able to email your T, you can still write in the note how you feel and whether or not you are ready to talk about it yet. I wrote a poem about my T back in October. I hung onto it for months wanting to share it with her but too terrified as it was very revealing about my feelings for her! I eventually emailed it to her, but said I just wanted her to tell me she got it, read it, but please not bring it up or ask me to talk about it. months more passed until I was ready for her to know more about it. Still wasn't able to talk about it in session, but via email I known she got what the poem meant.

I hope that's helpful in some way

Thank you for your responses!

Jillian-- Thanks for bringing up to think of that way. Although, I would die on the spot if he said I was stupid and weird! Though I think I know he would never do that.

Athenacus--I have not been with my T long. Still working on the feeling comfortable. He has done nothing to make me not feel comfortable it just takes me a while. Maybe I just need more time!

Eliza--I don't know if I can e-mail him or not I have not asked and he has not said. I did e-mail one time but it was about a schedule change and he said to call him. He has no problem with me calling at anytime I need to.

I did have my session this afternoon. I kinda sorta in a round about way said I was just feeling tired all the time. However, I didn't do this until the end. Like 10 mins left. So I think he got it and I am hoping it comes up next session. We did talk about my history and how family was emotionally abusive. He asked me if I believed what they say about me. I didn't answer although I wanted to shout out YES and I am even more critical of myself than they could ever be. But I just sat there looking at the floor.

I think maybe next time I should talk about why I have such a hard time bringing stuff up that I want to! So frustrating!

you can do it (bring it up if he doesn't next session)

Funny, but as great at their jobs as they are, out Ts are not mind readers

Never assume they 'got' something you hinted at - especially if it's something really important to you. Cos if he didn't understand or get the deeper meaning to you saying you 'feel tired' (which is very broad and general) and therefore doesn't being it up, it leaves you at risk of feeling really really hurt