Hi Liese,
What do you mean by "successful resolution of transference"? I'm confused because I thought transference brought up much to be discovered in therapy. What needs to be resolved?

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What do you mean by "successful resolution of transference"?

Liese are you confusing "transference" for the strong attachment to you feel towards your T? That is not supposed to resolve (i.e., go away). You use it to grow developmentally and then eventually you won't feel so desperate about being with T, (in a healthy way, not avoidant way). You will carry him with you always. Attachment doesn't resolve... look at your kids. They may need you less and less but they don't end their attachment to you.

I wonder if you are finding things to do and other places to be in order to avoid facing certain issues/feelings in therapy?

Hugs
TN

quote:

You use it to grow developmentally and then eventually you won't feel so desperate about being with T, (in a healthy way, not avoidant way). You will carry him with you always. Attachment doesn't resolve... look at your kids. They may need you less and less but they don't end their attachment to you.

I wonder if you are finding things to do and other places to be in order to avoid facing certain issues/feelings in therapy?

How would one determine the difference (in oneself, or for that matter in another, if one is a T or something) between a healthy growing away and avoidant distancing?

Not to hijack or anything. I think this ties in.

Hugs to you, Liese! I think you raise good questions. Will follow this thread with interest.

I can relate to going back and forth on making a decision about one session. I understand how difficult it is. My T has also said things like I'll keep the session open for you and I feel pressured to either use the session or decide early enough for him to book someone else.

I don't have any useful advice. I have also noticed recently for the first time that my therapy breaks ( because of vacations ) were filled with the energy to do projects that I don't do when I have therapy twice a week and spend hours/days processing therapy. I am sorry you are feeling tortured. I guess the biggest thing for me is to ask the question "Am I achieving what I want in my life outside of therapy?" so far it has been no, not yet although things are better than they used to be. So I keep going and questioning why I am going and what else I can do and all the other things that come up around therapy.

((Liese)) I think the desire to find things outside of therapy is great... and that can be done while carrying that dependence on your T. I feel like I do that sometimes... where when I'm on an up swing I will find new interests and ways to ground and stop focusing so much on my healing and more on exploring the world knowing that I have a safe place to run back to. It's hard in the middle...

I'll be back after dinner to respond but for now, I found a great article that really sums it up for me:

dependency longings

That's a great article Liese. Very relevant to me at the moment too. Thank you for posting the link.

(((Liese))) Where to start?

I think you should have a break from therapy if that is what you are happy to do right now. If you are wrong you will soon know and I echo what Monte said....

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To be honest, I think your T should encourage you to try your wings out if that's what you are wanting to do...even if he feels you are not quite ready to. He can be there to help you with the scrapes and bruises if it goes badly, right?

I almost want to put a question mark at him telling you not to.

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I have also noticed recently for the first time that my therapy breaks ( because of vacations ) were filled with the energy to do projects that I don't do when I have therapy twice a week and spend hours/days processing therapy.

I can so relate to that and I wonder when we get to this point what is healthy and what is not? The answer is individual and I'm not telling anyone what to do, but I have questioned that myself. There are times when I feel there is a pressure to show up at appointments when I'm feeling fine, and I leave feeling terrible processing things that weren't saturating my mind before I got there, and then there are other times that I really need to see my T but have to wait another 5 days for an appointment. It's hard to know what to do.

In response to your question though, what would be the worst thing that could happen to you if you didn't go and how would it feel to be right? How would it feel to not have to process things for a week or two?

Liese only you know how dependent you are on your T and only you know if it is "healthy growth or avoidance and distancing" like HIC said, that is making you question whether or not you should take a break. My advice is therefore to do what feels good and right for you at the moment.

B2W

Hi Liese

This is a really interesting scenario for me to think about.

You sound so angry and so close to accessing some really important grief about unrequited love and what you missed out on growing up.

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I didn't see T for 3 1/2 weeks because I went away. Something shifted in that time. It felt SO nice NOT to worry about therapy. NOT to feel the anxiety that comes along with sessions twice a week. I became angry with myself that I have allowed T to occupy such a central place in my life when, obviously, it's not mutual. I got tired of the dependence.

Liese to me it sounds like you might have engaged in some sort of devaluation of your T to possibly protect yourself from feeling needy and dependent. that you feel angry and foolish for trusting when it seems so unsafe to do so. I think at some level you're terrified he's going to let you down

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I keep hoping that therapy will resolve the feelings of dependency but it doesn't seem to. It occurred to me that maybe I need to take matters into my own hands and even if it hurts, maybe I need to push T back a little and develop other relationships/interests/parts of myself.

IMHO dependency feelings can only be resolved in the context of a relationship. I think developing other interests and relationships is crucial, but why not do that and keep seeing T as well?

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I'm also feeling angry about feeling so powerless in therapy. Really angry. They make up the rules and I have to follow them. How do I know they are right? Has anyone read a case of successful resolution of transference?

I can't even find any scientific studies on resolution of unrequited love. The majority of advice on the internet is, "move on". Why would it be any different for this therapy relationship? I don't like T any less everytime I go in. I like him quite a lot.

I really do understand how painful and enraging the boundaries and power differential can be. How do you know they are right - you have to trust your T, trust in something you can't see or tangibly hold that only becomes real on an implicit level after a long period of time. I remember feeling so ashamed when I realised I had been adamant that I knew what I needed, when really, I didn't have a clue! There is a book about healing from borderline personality disorder by Rachel Reiland that does involve a successful resolution of transference.

Unrequited love must be grieved Liese. there really is no other way. Believe me I wish there was because I struggled (and still do to a lesser degree) with this for so many years in my life. Being deprived of love and nurturing as a child is a massive, massive blow to the psych and soul. Yet as adults we are not in a place to be able to take in that sort of love because we already have so many relational patterns engrained in our neural wiring. But (and I am speaking from direct experience) you do reach a place in your grief and journey whereby the love that IS available in the present finally starts to flow in to deeper levels of your heart and its the most extraordinary experience. I know now that my T genuinely loves me and cares about me in a profound way. He is the parent I never had and I can take any experience to him and I know I will get loved back whether that's through empathy, challenging, listening or deep acceptance. But it took me such a long time to believe he wasn't bullshitting and he meant everything.

Hugs to you. this is hard stuff but hang in there xxxx

Hi Liese,

I'm sorry about what you are going through. I can understand those feelings, wondering if it will ever resolve. The feelings are SO incredibly strong on this side of the room. I sometimes have such difficulty with taking a breath because those feelings knock the wind out of me. I sometimes wonder, too, when will this ease up? I notice it does at times, but then at other times it comes back and knocks me in the gut. I think the idea of individuation is important, and maybe that's where you are at in therapy. You are individuating, moving towards greater independence. That can be a little frightening, I know. But, I think I agree with some of the others when they say that it's possible to be dependent on T and continue that relationship, while learning to be more and more able to stand your own ground, on your own two feet. Would it be possible to maybe cut down sessions(but not completely) to help you explore these feelings? I think it's important you keep talking to T. Good luck.

Not sure what to advise Liese, but 100% of the times I have felt similar to this I was pushing T away to prevent painful feelings and to avoid being rejected and abandoned.

I always do it when there is a break in therapy coming up or something is different.

Hey guys,

Thank you all so much for your replies. I'm not in a good spot right now to reply yet but I will as soon as I'm able.

I'm just getting in touch with some anger that's eating at me re: the woman I considered my best friend for a long time.

While we were away on vacation, her H did some serious yardwork for us. My H and I took her and her H out to dinner over the weekend to thank her H.

I decided to work on being a good conversationalist so I started the evening out by asking questions. Well, what happened was my friend talked the entire time about a vacation she and her family took 2 years ago. Not once, not one time, did she or her H stop and ask us how our recent vacation was. It was a big trip and they didn't ask one question.

Her daughter's sweet 16 was several months ago. They had it at a restaurant with a DJ. I don't know what everyone else's traditions are but around here it's become popular for the bday girl to light 16 candles one at a time and to dedicate each candle to someone in particular. She read a prepared tribute for each person or group and then called them up to help her light the candle.

We were the only people there who weren't called up for something. In the entire room.

I know I know it all sounds so petty but I guess I'm feeling pretty ignored and taken advantage of.

I talked to T about it this past Monday and he knows that my friend is self-absorbed but if I call her and tell her I'm in distress about something, she's always a good listener. It's just in the general scheme of things, she's not very thoughtful.

On top of all that, after we left the restaurant this past Saturday, she and my H hightailed it out of there towards the ice scream store. Her H put his arm around me, told me he wishes he could take me away and that he loves me.

This is nothing new except that it had died down for a while. But there I was thinking, these are the two people that I consider closest to me in the whole world, aside from the obvious. And neither one of them is really there for me. Now I feel as though I need to cut things off completely with the H and I feel the same way about my friend.

I'm just feeling really discouraged and hopeless about relationships. Maybe these 2 are the last of my dysfunctional relationships and better ones are on the horizon?

Liese,

It sounds like you are going through a lot of emotions that would be difficult for anyone right now It makes sense that you would want to step away from anymore painful relationships. I have similar issues with my T, and I know it can be a real struggle to say the least. I wish I had better advice, other than it seemed helpful for me at times to go down from 2 appts a week to 1. Seemed to cut down on the intensity, and freed up more time for processing/ searching out other connections in life. Maybe that would help you still work through feelings with T, while gaining more independence as well? Best wishes to you

AH

Just wanted to pop in again and say hi. My apt. is in 2 hours and I still haven't cancelled. I wanted to say that I agree with those of you who said they think T should have been happy that I was showing some independence. I guess he always has to balance that with how that other part of me might react if he appears too happy that I'm developing outside interests. There is a fine line between healthy and unhealthy dependence and the same could be said for independence. He's very supportive of me developing outside interest and is always interested in all of my adventures. Too bad none of them stick.

Anyway, I'll be back later to reply in more depth.

best of luck.

((Liese))

Good luck with your session.

(((RM)))(((TN))))

I grouped you two together because you both asked about the resolution of the transference. What I am really referring to is resolution of the feelings of dependency and longing that are so painful. I figured that those feelings are just leftover from childhood. Sometimes I can convince myself that they are just an illusion but other times I can't.

I guess I just get stuck at the anger of what I can't have. Who knows if I'd really want it but it's getting past the anger of not being able to have it.

(((HELD)))

No hijack. I always love questions. I don't know how to tell the difference.


((((COGS))))

Thanks for the support. Of all people, I know you know what it's like to have that hanging over your head.

((((CAT))))

I think the desire to find things outside of therapy is great... and that can be done while carrying that dependence on your T.

Yes, I think that's the way T would like to do it. It makes sense that they wouldn't pull the rug out the minute you start becoming interested in other things beside therapy.

(((TYGR)))

Glad you liked the article.

(((MONTE))))

I know you can relate to what I'm going through.

(((GE)))

Thanks for being so understanding. Yes being deprived of love and nurturing when we are little is a killer. I'm so glad you've gotten to the point where you trust that your T loves you. I might be getting there.

(((FINDING.AINSLEY)))

Great name. Thanks for your input and support.

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You are individuating, moving towards greater independence.

I hope you are right. I hope the anger isn't all for nothing. At my age, though, it takes me so much longer to verbalize those hurts and grieve them.

(((SD)))

Thanks for your support and insight. It's always helpful.


SO, it was odd today. I was at home and around 12 noon found a VM from T's secretary (she called at 11;30) asking if I could come in around noon instead of 1:30 because T was leaving early and the 12 cancelled and she figured if I could come in at 12, T could leave the office early.

I just happened to be all ready to go out because I was going to go to the supermarket. I called her back and told her I could get there in about 15 minutes. She told me to come. I figured that it would be better to get the session over with.

When I got there, T apologized for his secretary's call. He didn't tell her to do that. He said he made his offer, that he'd be there at 1:30 for me regardless. He didn't want to cause me any extra stress or put any pressure on me. He was just going to be there for me.

I'm glad it didn't come from him because it felt a bit weird and odd that he'd tell me I could come or not but then want to get out of the office early and try to move up my appointment. I'm also glad he told me that it didn't come from him because now I know that he was planning on leaving early today but didn't mind waiting for me. That really told me how much he cares and how much he is there for me.

We didn't talk too much about the independence/dependence thing. I just acknowledged that me running is always probably a part of it but that I also really had a lot to do.

SO, all in all, I'm happy I went and made that connection with T.

((Liese))

It's really good that you pushed yourself forward and went to see your T. You re-established that connection which will allow you to progress further and move your relationship closer. I know it's really hard to go sometimes. It's like driving really really slow, just wanting to listen to one more song, and dragging "butt" as you walk into the office DIFFICULT. I have those moments myself and like you, I find it to be relief to make that connection. Great job.