Deeplyrooted lots of hugs to you!

quote:

I've recently read on here how therapy can help us identify the patterns we use in relationships that keep us stuck by seeing how we reenact them in therapy. I think I was in therapy long enough to repeat those patterns, but I do not know how to identify them.

This is such a telling comment - I suspect that the whole business of re-enacting patterns in therapy is so the THERAPIST can help you identify them and sort through them, not for you to have to go away and puzzle it all out by yourself. (I think I’ve tried to say something similar in your other thread - sorry if I’m repeating myself.)

It also says to me that you're taking as your starting point that you are doing things ‘wrong’ in your relationships and that you’re in therapy to change yourself, to make yourself somehow a ‘better’ person so that your relationships will improve.

While I can’t fault the logic of re-enacting patterns, I personally chuck that sort of stuff out the window - it being something I’m very good at, looking to myself to see what I’m doing wrong all the time and endlessly blaming myself for less than good relationships.

I tend to see the purpose of therapy as much more about being able to accept myself, as I am, rather than trying to identify patterns or consciously change me for the ‘better’. I figure that once I’m ok about being me, then all the rest will automatically fix itself. I therefore tend to resist ( more like dig heels in and spit the dummy) if a therapist tries to ‘point out very helpfully’ things I’m doing in therapy that might parallel what I do in real world with a view to making me see my shortcomings, patterns, faults, how I am to blame for what goes wrong etc. It sounds to me like you have a very similar set up, that you already automatically blame yourself for things that don’t go right, and therefore therapy that focuses on trying to make you MORE aware of your patterns and ‘failings’ I suspect wouldn’t really help you at all.

Don’t know I’m just guessing from what you are saying in your posts so I could be way off here (I’m very good at attributing to everyone else what goes on in me so please correct me on anything I’m saying which doesn’t fit.)

And for what it’s worth, it sounds like your T got rid of you not because of you but because of HER failings.

Lamplighter

p.s. sorry I seem to be chasing you all round the forum posting in all your threads. I should shut up and let someone else give a different view.

quote:

I've recently read on here how therapy can help us identify the patterns we use in relationships that keep us stuck by seeing how we reenact them in therapy.

Deeplyrooted, if you are referring to some of the stuff I've said recently, then I'm really glad for what Lamplighter just said because I think she's making some excellent points (as usual )

quote:

Originally quoted by Lamplighter:
While I can’t fault the logic of re-enacting patterns, I personally chuck that sort of stuff out the window - it being something I’m very good at, looking to myself to see what I’m doing wrong all the time and endlessly blaming myself for less than good relationships.

quote:

Originally quoted by Lamplighter:
I therefore tend to resist (more like dig heels in and spit the dummy) if a therapist tries to ‘point out very helpfully’ things I’m doing in therapy that might parallel what I do in real world with a view to making me see my shortcomings, patterns, faults, how I am to blame for what goes wrong etc.

In the examples I used, I really did imply that we are looking to correct what must certainly be our fault in relationships...and I didn't even realize I did that...because I make the same assumptions LL described, that it must be me doing something "wrong"! So I'm really sorry I said that so badly. It does absolutely no justice to what my T does for me at all. She most definitely is trying to help me see the truth about myself, and accept myself, whatever that is. She has no "agenda" for trying to make me see my shortcomings, faults, etc. In fact, she told me yesterday that I do that far too well for myself and that so many times she wishes she could "throw grace" on me. In the mirror analogy I used, everything would be reflected, wouldn't it? Without respect for what anyone thinks is "good" or "bad" - just what IS. A mirror can't be selective about what is reflected. That said...there probably will be some things I see that I want to change. But it's ME who decides what needs to be changed, not my T. There will also be some good things I see that I didn't see before, that I want to develop or grow. And I wouldn't be able to see any of this, if she didn't hold the boundaries.

Also...the point has been made in at least one other thread (by Jones recently) that there are many different types of therapy, probably because different people need different things at different times. Not everyone would need, or want, "psychodynamic" therapy...maybe that is not what you need at all...so there is no need for you to feel that you don't understand your own therapy, DR. On the contrary, you understand your own therapy, and what you need from it, better than anyone else...including, apparently, your last T. I agree wholeheartedly with LL that this was her failing, not yours in the least. And I would be willing to bet you came a long way in those four years, they were not wasted whatsoever, but absolutely necessary in bringing you to the next step in your journey...but the in-between place is terribly, horribly difficult and painful and hard, and it is only when you are well on your way again that you will be able to look back and see all the lessons learned in those four years.

Hugs,
SG

Good grief! I see, once again, how I am looking for ways to take the blame. I know it takes lots of repetition to learn something new, especially when it has to override what was previously learned, but if anyone hears me taking the blame for this I give you permission to slap me.

I had no idea therapy could get so complicated. I guess any relationship has that potential. Your are right, LL, it is up to the T to teach me my patterns. I am slowly learning what they are as I reflect back on my time with her. I think it will be painful to discover how ill fitted she was for me and how long I kept trying to make it work. There were so many things I misunderstood. I am not taking blame, don't slap me yet, I just am coming to realize some things about myself and this process that I did not realize before. Things that might have made a difference along the path. It's okay. What I have learned will always be with me. I am learning so much from this community. I don't know where I would be right now without it. Wait. That's not true. I'd be sitting at the front door of the clinic disguised as a stray dog begging her to pet me when she arrives to work every morning. Then I would go frolicking in the park until it was time for her to leave. I would return to her office with a rubber ball and beg her to play catch with me before she drove home.

I like the explanation, SG, of the purpose of the mirror. I had not thought of it reflecting just what IS without the expectation of finding fault with what is seen. Thank you for that. Sadly, there is not yet an expectation that I will find beauty in that mirror.

Today, I ate lunch in a cafeteria just before an appointment to interview a new therapist and I felt a lot of anxiety in my stomach. While sitting at table, a friend asked if I was cold. I had to think about it. No, I was not cold but I knew the reason she asked is because of the way I was holding my arms tightly in front of my stomach. When I realized this I thought of a mirror and became much more conscious of my posture...and, happily, more relaxed. When I think of this I realize how resistant, ashamed, embarrassed, suspicious, or whatever I have been to be willing to look at myself through this sort of lens. Hey, I made a little progress. I had always heard we will make a change when the pain finally gets greater than the fear. Yep, here's proof that living without a T is painful.

deeplyrooted

(((( Deeplyrooted )))

Nah not going to slap you when you already have a big enough stick to beat yourself with! We started a bonfire on here for big sticks a while back, I’ve gotten rid of mine but for some reason I seem to have an inexhaustible supply of them (they keep appearing in my hand no matter how many I burn lol)

quote:

I think it will be painful to discover how ill fitted she was for me and how long I kept trying to make it work. There were so many things I misunderstood. I am not taking blame, don't slap me yet, I just am coming to realize some things about myself and this process that I did not realize before.

These comments remind me of the same thing with me - sticking with ill-fitting people and only in retrospect realizing I should have gotten out a lot sooner - hearing warning bells and seeing red flags but discounting them at the time only to then beat myself up later for not having acted on them. And retrospective knowing is a big source to me of self blame (I should have known type messages). So I’m really glad that you are ok with seeing some things without blaming yourself for them!

I have to say that this forum has helped me a LOT in realizing things about therapy, that have enabled me to put my big stick down once in a while. I would never have realized half of the stuff I now do without other people’s input and experiences to guide me. I really hope you keep on posting about how it is going for you, and talk about how it was with your ex-T - that might also help you feel better about your part in it and not be so quick to absolve your T.

And hey Strummergirl - I’m so sorry if what I said sounded like a criticism of your words - I didn’t mean at all to denigrate the mirroring that therapists do, just saying how it tends to push my buttons - what you say about how your T helps you to see and ACCEPT how you are, that’s the bottom line - I suspect I have never had a T who has been able to do that, it’s always come across as critical (my paranoia aside of course lol).

Lamplighter