Awww (((BB))). I'm sorry you feel duped, but glad you are getting to talk about that stuff and that Cowboy T is so accepting. I know that, "AHHHH, not this again!" feeling. I really do. It's so much easier if we can just avoid going there, but even if we do, that stuff will always be in there unless it is addressed. I wish I could help in another way, but I'm here!

hi, Blackbird.

You deserve the good stuff.... just keep telling yourself that! Enjoy it and bask in it like a warm summer day (or, I don't know, maybe rain is your thing? in which case, please excuse my projecting) because there's no reason you shouldn't be there.

But yeah f*&k feelings.



effed

naw it's all right Yaku- I'm being a bit tongue in cheek is all. he's a good t, I can talk to him about anything that comes up- all is well. It's just I didn't think we were there to discuss my feelings, honestly- I thought we were there to change my mindset. now I'm not so sure. confusing. I had big issues with old T's caring. I just don't want a T who cares about me. It's too confusing!

thanks effed...we crossposted..rain and sun are cool, but I'm not much into basking. I think I'm basking challenged. basking doesn't agree with me...or I don't agree with it- or something. down with basking!

((BB))

darn feelings!!! I'm glad you posted, it's good to see you. I do the hot/cold dance a lot with my T right now she can seem so caring then I push her away in my mind and next time she seems so distant. It's hard when they get close to our feelings... yikes.

Hey (((Beebs))) - great news - wondered how long he'd let you off the hook playing 'miss detached'!!! Go Cowboy T go!!! There's a big difference between the approaches of Cowboy T and Guru T and I think we know who seems far better suited and 'secure' for you Beebs!! Let your 'fear' thoughts pass by without dwelling on them and just continue with this clever young guy!! His care will be a safer care!

Sure feelings can be painful but OMG they can be beautiful too!

Big s Feathers!! xx

thanks guys- it's so nice to see all of you.

I keep coming back to the same problem that it's hard to care about therapy when there is no emotional motivation. You know how it is when you just feel blank about stuff, like you can do it or not, and emotionally it doesn't really matter, but intellectually you know it's a good thing so you try and do it? that's where I've been all these months, but I just don't want the Cowboy to go trying to engage my emotions, even though ultimately that's what I'm in therapy for- just to learn how to experience normal emotion without pushing them away I guess, but- it's such an odd feeling when I have feelings, and it's all tied in with guru T and my H and my kids and these nostalgic feelings of...having feelings. and I just can't feel ok about having feelings one way or the other about cowboy T. I just can't. I will not go there again.

so my question is: does anyone have any idea how to fall in love with your husband, or to make him fall in love with you? I know I'm looking for something in T that my H can't or won't give me, or that I am not able to experience from him for some reason. but getting it (safe place to talk about stuff) is good, but getting care/concern/interest in return feels like a dealbreaker to me after what happened with guru, almost like being unfaithful to my husband. does anybody get what I'm talking about, or am I making no sense at all...

quote:

so my question is: does anyone have any idea how to fall in love with your husband, or to make him fall in love with you? I know I'm looking for something in T that my H can't or won't give me, or that I am not able to experience from him for some reason. but getting it (safe place to talk about stuff) is good, but getting care/concern/interest in return feels like a dealbreaker to me after what happened with guru, almost like being unfaithful to my husband.

BB, wow, that's hard. I think that is the main reason I made sure to have a woman T. H and I are mainly/mostly friends and the love thing is so confusing. When H and I saw the marriage therapist (I needed healing from past wounds, H wanted to save marriage, and M-T wanted to see today and our future), the M-T had us write "How I feel connected to another person." I guess the idea is 'falling in love' is finding that connection (again). And, each person feels loved in a different way. So, knowing how the other person sees love, is how you can love them, and then they fall in love with you???

Just a thought

<3

quote:

so my question is: does anyone have any idea how to fall in love with your husband, or to make him fall in love with you?

I know of ONE clinical psychologist who has been specializing in that for decades. His website is here: http://marriagebuilders.com/

DH and I have learned SO MANY useful things from reading his books and website alone, and listening to their radio show, but they also offer phone counseling.

Just thought I'd mention something that's been really helpful to me personally.

Wow- thanks Ninn and BLT, for the feedback. I always seem to end up back at this smae problem again.

Ninn you said:

quote:

And, each person feels loved in a different way. So, knowing how the other person sees love, is how you can love them, and then they fall in love with you???

which was very insightful, and herein lies the crux of my problem! Which I just realized, ding, ding, ding! (thank you for helping me realize. I think I feel loved/in love by having this stronger, wiser other to take care of, protect me, take bullets for me, as Cowboy T uncovered and affirmed as legitimate in my last session. My H on the other hand, feels loved by me taking care of him, taking bullets for him, and being the stronger wiser other for him, myself. He really feels most loved, I think, when I have absolutely no needs from him at all, and can deal with that without criticizing him, or being resentful, or bringing up any issues I may have.. in other words, as long as I'm quiet and cheerful, he is happy, even if I'm dying on the inside, because- he doesn't have to notice. And for me- for whatever reason- I find this need from him is a GINOURMOUS turn-off. Especially the "little boy" thing, I find very icky. which makes me guilty.but- I just can't feel attracted to my spouse when I feel like he wants me to mother him. It makes me feel icky, icky, icky and gross! But then- I get mad at myself, (read- I'm icky, icky and gross) because what I want from him is in a sense, fathering- like I wanted from guru T- so how can I be grossed out by my H's need for mothering from me? And it turns into a huge emotional schmozzle where I can't be intimate in any way shape or form...become totally withdrawn from him- and I just sit there and miss GuruT. yikes! I'm really stuck and feel like leaving when I'm forced to face this stuff. dang it, Cowboy! stupid feelings.

BLT, I'm gonna go check out that website, now- thank you so much-

((((Beebs))) I KNOW it sucks beyond belief, but the problem is that the healing can only take place by experiencing and expressing our feelings. I have always been QUITE miffed that a thorough intellectual understanding of the problem never got me anywhere. It can often feel very humiliating to me that my feelings HAVE to be involved. But I have come to understand that those feelings (damnit! more feelings!) stem from how the expression of my feelings was treated (mistreated would be a better word) as a child.

I'm sorry, and know I say this out of care for you, but I'm glad that Cowboy T is going there. I think you need to.

love, Aglet

ha, yeah, BG- the NERVE of him!!!! doing his job and all that. sheesh.

Thanks Aglet-
I ugess it is inevitbale.

and echosh....the hugs rock.

page 2 hugs to my friend <3

thanks for taking the bullet for me there, Cat!

SO I've gone a couple weeks without a session with Cowboy T at times, and it was no big deal. This time it is also no big deal, but I'm finding that there is this very concerning thing happening where I'm kind of in a very general way, "looking forward" to going to therapy. As soon as that feeling comes to me I'm squashing it stomping it and squishing it thoroughly into a teeny-weeny little ball and then burning it- and diluting the ashes in a hydro carbon solution and flinging them to the four winds. There. That should take care of that, right?

quote:

As soon as that feeling comes to me I'm squashing it stomping it and squishing it thoroughly into a teeny-weeny little ball and then burning it- and diluting the ashes in a hydro carbon solution and flinging them to the four winds.

Go with that Beebs, I know it worked really well for me. Sorry, I totally understand how scary those feelings can be, I actually still vividly remember the fear I felt when I realized that my T was getting better looking every time I walked into a session.

It's always lovely to hear from you, my dear, just sorry that you're having to deal with those pesky feelings.

Aglet

......mostly works Beebs my dear, sometimes though they still come back and dance around again, they're very persistent those therapy feelings!! Sometimes it's easier to face them head on as they're often indestructable if not

I agree with AG, lovely to see you ...have you still got the laundry fairies? Summer has come early today and I'm ploughing through the washing, hanging it out to dry in the sunshine and thinking of you

starfishy

Thank you, my Aglet...

fortunately my T is still just any other guy, and not divinely inspired or drop dead gorgeous or anything, but- it worries me that I no longer seem to hate going to therapy. right back atcha! miss you-

starfishy, my love...spring is early here, too, but I've misplaced the laundry fairies again, and now have to do the wash myself. It is very sad. I miss you-