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6 replies

such a hard day

I incognitoMember
we had a major ice storm here on Saturday. The power went out at my house overnight Saturday. I spent Sunday trying to keep warm, walking a Target, and trying to find a place for my family of five to sleep. Finally left when the inside temperature hit 57F. Came back this morning and the house was 50F. My mother got power back and invited us to stay if the power didn't get turned on. Then the power company said that some people would not have the power restored until next Saturday so my husband spent 4 hours draining all the plumbing and heating pipes in our home because tonight it is going down to 12F and the high tomorrow is 16F. I had to find all the presents for three kids hidden around the house but not wrapped yet and move us all to my parents house which is a stress all its own even though I am grateful that they are here to help us.

This afternoon I had my last session before the holiday break and after we discussed the chaos in our city my T tried to address what we were talking about last week which was physical proximity and safe touch in therapy. I had emailed him telling him I thought he was afraid if he touched me that I would want to have sex with him among other things. He started by saying he thought fear was the right word for what he felt but he didn't fear that I would want to have sex with him but he had thoughts/concerns/fears that I might have a sexual response to him touching me and that while it wasn't inappropriate for me to want him to comfort me or touch me non-sexually but it was hard to define the difference between non-sexual and sexual. I started crying and crying and he asked me why I felt so sad. Eventually I told him that I couldn't guarantee how I would feel and what would come up for me and he said he knew that. Then I said I couldn't be honest with him about my feelings because I would be afraid it would scare him away. I said it would be like him all of a sudden deciding we couldn't shake hands anymore because of what I told him, too painful. He told me that he couldn't see any reason to stop shaking hands but I haven't told him everything yet.

Then he left for his vacation although he was kind enough to tell me that he would be reachable in his office tomorrow morning but I told him I couldn't imagine anything that could be said in a short phone call that would impact this conversation. In the 5 hours since then I've been increasingly sad and feel like I should quit because we were talking about touch but really I don't know how I will feel about him just from us continuing to work together. I trust him, am attached and dependent on him, even love him more than I used to. How can I know if my feelings will become inappropriate?
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True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Hi incognito... my T does not hug but he does offer some touch. He does not hug because he is not personally comfortable with doing that. It has taken a long time but I have grown to accept that, although today it was difficult because I wanted to give him a Christmas hug. He has always shaken hands with me and then after awhile he began to rub my arm or shoulder or pat my shoulder. Twice he held my hand. That was immensely powerful for me.

In the beginning my T didn't know me very well and I think that he was afraid of what a hug would mean or trigger in me. He always proceeds with caution with trauma patients. But now, my T is way more comfortable with me and who I am and he tells me often that he KNOWS me more than I think he does and he has never seen any signs of seductive behavior. That is just not who I am. He said that most patients with abuse histories and/or attachment injuries are not seductive just longing for nurturing and care. And I would have to agree with him. It's his nurturing I yearn for and I do get it in other ways aside from a hug. I get it in the small ways he shows me his care.

So I just wanted to say that if after all of these years if your behavior has not become (sexually) inappropriate then it will not happen suddenly. You will not change who you are in an instant. You will not turn into a wanton seductress just because your T offers touch. I do very much understand that you fear that if your feelings are known it will scare him away. My T keeps reassuring me that I cannot scare him away and that although I think I'm hiding things from him, he already knows me. That can be rather disconcerting LOL.

BTW, I think your T showed you his care by giving you the go ahead to contact him before his vacation break. He also shows it in other ways that I have noticed. He is absolutely committed to you. Nothing you can tell him will cause him to stop shaking hands with you. What touch will call up for you has all to do with your past and not your T. This is why he is likely treading carefully.

I am sorry you are suffering with a power outage, especially at Christmas time. That just adds to the normal holiday stress. We lost our power for six days last year after a hurricane. Our house was freezing cold. We would warm up in our car driving around dark streets, charging our cell phones. Then go home have hot tea and pile the blankets on to sleep. I was about to totally lose in on the 6th day when thank goodness the power was restored. I hope your power comes back quickly and you manage okay with your parents. I know that is difficult but maybe the holiday season will mellow them a bit.

Hugs
TN
E emeMember
((COGS))You are sure going through a lot right now, I'm so sorry. I also live in an extreme cold climate, and it can be tough to deal with frozen pipes, no electricity, no heat. I'm thankful that your Mother stepped up and invited all of you to stay with her. Your issue about "Safe Touch" in Therapy is what I think about quit often as well. Its a delicate subject and I have wanted to discuss it, but am to afraid to. I think you are brave to discuss it with your T. I am a victim of abuse, and I think he feels he is protecting my feelings by not hugging me, he only touches my shoulder as I leave, but I truly would like a hug from him. I honestly think the child in me just wants to be nurtured and shown love. But I can't ask T for that or talk about it yet, don't know if I ever will. I am stuck on the fact that I want the hug to come from him, because he feels that he wants to give it to me, not because I had to ask for it. But the only problem with that is, he may be afraid to give me the hug because of my trauma background, and wants me to give him the ok. So I think you are so right, discussing this with him and brave. Don't think about quitting, keep going "brave-one", you are going in the positive direction of feeling your feelings, and that's exactly what you have to do to heal. I'm am proud of you, and you are a great example for all of us who are afraid to feel to much. Keep going, and keep sharing your good example with all of us.
B bltMember
quote:
How can I know if my feelings will become inappropriate?


I don't think any feelings are "inappropriate" in therapy. Sometimes in the course of therapy, sexual feelings come up and are worked through, and that is just part of the process. What is inappropriate is if the T allows them to be acted on. I know it's *awkward* and initially shameful to some to have sexual feelings about a T, but living in fear of that probably doesn't further your therapeutic process.

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