Jane, I really feel for you and wish I had the ability to teleport over there and offer you real (((hugs))). Just today, I was talking to a friend about maybe finding a massage therapist (who ISN'T my sister, as that wouldn't be comforting) to just have some safe touch. Is that something you could consider?

As for asking Ts, yes, that is a scary conversation. My T and I have been talking about physical contact directly for over a month now. His personal inclination is to offer that sort of thing, but he is professionally conflicted and still researching what is best for me. I'm sure if your Ts have boundaries around touching or hugging clients, it will all be about protecting you as their client...but I know it might be hard not to take it personally if that sort of thing is denied. I have found at least talking about my needs to be very connecting, because I have discovered my T doesn't feel repulsed by me, disgusted by those needs. Even though he hasn't hugged me yet, having that need for safe touch just be accepted, understood and validated has helped me connect to those feelings with a lot less ambivalence.

Can you identify more about those weird, scared and confused feelings around hugging? Is this something you have always felt in some way and it is just more intense now or is this something new you're experiencing? If you imagine hugging your T, does it seem like it would be less weird, scary and confusing? I only ask, because imagining hugging my T feels very different than imagining hugging my pastor or my friend or a relative. I feel like I just know that it will be an intensely connecting experience for little parts, whereas I am numb and disconnected when I imagine hugging others...even though I want to figure out how to connect. However, that feeling of potentially really "receiving" a hug means I am nearly terrified of what it might draw out of me.

Can you imagine a basic scenario of hugging one of your Ts? What sensations, emotions, memories, etc. does it bring up for you? Those may be things to explore...

I'm sorry if I'm incoherent here. Really having trouble keeping my brain straight today. Just fuzzy.

((((Jane)))))

Ditto. (minus the trauma work, I haven't done that yet.)

I was thinking yesterday that I want to learn how to give myself hugs, because it has been months since I've gotten a hug, and I really feel like I need one, especially given the last few days.

If I could, I'd come over and give you a big hug, not only for you, but for me, too.

Let us know how it goes with your T when you do talk about it, I might try the same route...

Ohhh... DF is right Jane - I forgot about the horses. I used to hug my horse around his neck and hold on for dear life. After a few moments, he often turned his head around to wrap me in what was one of the best hugs I ever got. My first horse and my second pony gave those great hugs... I miss them.

((((JD))))

I know that feeling.

I am wondering if it would feel safe to tell your T about this sudden longing for a hug? In that scenario, you aren't asking for a hug or setting yourself up for rejection, but just opening up the dialogue to feel things out and hopefully find out how your T feels about hugs and what Ts policy is about hugs.