Something shifted this week and it's like more of me is accepting and acknowledging the attachment with T. I actually trust in his care, in the "realness" of the relationship (despite its limitations), on a deeper level. I know I will have moments of projection and panic, but I don't think I can fully go back to avoidance.
And now, in response to that, I cannot stop thinking about when and how it will end. At first, I used the fear about ending to avoid attaching, to avoid accepting the relationship counted for anything. Now that I have done so in spite of it, with understanding and acknowledgement that although the ending of a therapeutic relationship might be more explicitly and methodically addressed than more "natural" transitions (i.e. graduations, deaths, etc.), it is certainly a normal thing for relationships to have limitations on them.
I can't stop fearing (no, fear isn't the right word, almost aching over the idea that) I won't ever be ready, or certainly not in time for T to retire. Granted, he could work several more years at 61. A lot of people do. And I know he's not the type to just cut me off, that he would retain the connection on his end and be glad that I knew I could touch base as needed if he were available. It just feels like, because I never had a lasting, safe attachment with someone...I have no idea how one grows up and out of the dependence.
I see T tomorrow and maybe we will talk about it. I don't know. Maybe it will calm me to hear about how he usually works through terminations with clients, how he might do it with me when the time is right, how we will even know it, how much time we'll give to the process.
What if I'm just never ready? Then, I basically force both of us into an abandonment scenario. I know it is SO early to think about this, but something about ACTUALLY attaching feels like heading toward an ending. I know there are patterns in my upbringing from the revolving significant figures that cause this feeling. And in a way, in terms of the relationship, getting to a sort of peak (not the ultimate one, but at least a little one to rest on for the moment) reminds you that after you go up, you have to go back down. Having never let someone know me so completely and intimately (emotionally), I can't help but wonder and worry over what it will be like to draw apart. I don't want to be thinking about it, but I can't seem to stop.
So many broken connections. I actually did bring this up with him for future discussion (as I didn't want to spend a lot of time on it yesterday). He said that whenever it happens, he does not envision it being a sudden, but instead a slow process. I need to tackle this in a session where I'm prepared for a bunch of fear to bowl me over, though...