I had a pretty good session with T last night. Despite intending to go straight in and let connection happen right away, since closeness has been so absent the last two weeks, I still could not do it. T voluntarily sat closer, but I still felt literally, physically restricted from reaching out to him. Eventually I did and Little Yaku was able to have some comfort in the stuff she is still trying to share, but too scared about.
T offered me a Friday or Saturday call. He said it is not an invasion of his family time, of which he has all of Wednesday and Thursday and whichever day we do not talk, plus most of Sunday (outside of church). I told him I knew I could make it through, even if it would suck, so I felt like I should, like I wanted to protect his time the way I protect my own time with my family. He said there was no reason for me to make myself struggle so much with all that has been coming up for me just to avoid something that does not burden or inconvenience him at all, that he wants to offer me if it will help. So, I agreed to take the Skype, even though I feel like such a loser that I didn't just make myself slog through the pain.
Right as I was leaving, I had something happen that has happened three or four times in the past two weeks, a certain taste/smell out of nowhere that seems to be associated with one of the very bad memories that has been shared. T tried to get me to stay a few minutes to ground or at least pray about it, but I was afraid more stuff would come up and made myself leave instead, despite his saying there was no need to push myself out the door like I was.
There is so much inner turmoil today. Stuff keeps coming up. I have been largely functional while working this temporary job, but at the cost of setbacks internally to what is being processed (like, literally locking down the parts that hold it). Somehow, today, that stuff didn't get locked back inside. One of the little girls I watch is slightly older than this particular trauma. I don't want to give triggering details, but it is CSA stuff from my mother's boyfriend at about five and one of the kids I'm watching is six. So, suddenly, I can barely look at this child, because it makes me miserable to think of such a little child being hurt like that. I just want to hide in my bed and cry all day (you know, if I were capable of crying, which as I've said, I'm not...although I feel constantly on the verge). T says this stuff probably has to be shared very many times before it is done, but it has come up dozens of times and been directly (although not explicitly) shared at least three times. I just want it to get better! And I just want to know how I make that happen...
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