Russ, I'm replying again to pop your topic up to the main page so people see it as I just replied to the Transference topic which is in the same category.

AG

Thanks for your excellent feedback, AG. It sure does make a lot of sense after reading your post.

If I combine the suffering I got from my Mom, and the anger I have at my Dad for not meeting one single solitary emotional need of mine (while being downright nasty much of the other times), and the chronic anxiety I'm dealing with doesn't seem so mysterious.

Thanks again!
Russ

Hi Russ,
I found this topic very interesting. I was raised by a severely depressed mother and an alcoholic father and I am the youngest of 5 children. (Mom was especially worn out by the time I came around) I certainly think that this transference of pain and suffering makes all kinds of sense. I had never heard of it before but many years ago when I was suffering from chronic pain, going from one doctor to another and having series of tests to figure out why, I finally seen a neurologist who suggested that my symptoms were psychosomatic. I did not understand that could mean that my pain was real and thought he was implying I was imagining it or bringing it on myself. But after 2 ½ yrs of therapy I now understand what he was referring to back then. I not only learned and took on my mother’s pain of depression; I took on the burden of worrying about her too much while stifling my own needs.

The saddest part for me is I was a single mother for the first14 years of my daughter’s life and fear I passed on my own legacy of pain to her. While I know I did better than my parents I also know my hyper vigilance created a lot of undue stress for her. And while I am working at over turning that legacy, I am certain that a lot of the chronic pain and illness she experiences are stress induced. She is a very sickly 22 year old and I feel so guilty for it. I believe though, if it can be changed in ourselves then we are better equipped to stop the cycle for our children too. It is never too late.

Thanks for the post Russ. Hope you are doing well.
JM

JM,

I absolutely believe that un-examined, suppressed or repressed emotions DO cause physical as well as emotional symptoms. No question about it. And it's not 'all in your head.' Emotions can cause actual physiological changes in the body that cause pain and illness. I've experience a lot of this myself (chronic back pain, stomach problems, hives, etc.).

In addition to picking up my mother's sadness and disappointment, I was also the victim of my father's inability to offer ANY kind of warmth, affection, connection or feeling of belonging or importance as a child, which has resulted in the low self-esteem and zero confidence that I have today.

In fact, I was just talking to my mom this weekend, and she told me there's a photo of my dad with me as an infant on his lap. She said the expression on his face was one of, "I don't belong here." Where did my dad learn to be totally unable to show any kind of connection with his kids? From his jerk of a father and his jerk of an older brother, and my mom had her hands too full to fill in all his gaps.

Best,
Russ

Russ and JM,
It's the people like you who face their stuff and deal with the problems it creates that stop the chain of abuse. The only way it gets broken is for someone to stand up and decide it stops with them.

I can totally relate to worrying about how its affected the kids. I've always said their whole life that I was saving for therapy or college whichever came first. For my older daughter it was therapy. I really fought a lot of guilt. I know that my stuff has affected my kids. But I did a much better job than my parents and I know that my kids will do a better job than me. We do everything we can with what we have. It's hard to fix generations of abuse in only one generation. But by getting help with our "stuff" we've given our kids a really good tool for how you handle it. My daughter was only in therapy for about 10 months. I take that long to sneeze.

AG

quote:

suppressed or repressed emotions DO cause physical as well as emotional symptoms. No question about it. And it's not 'all in your head.' Emotions can cause actual physiological changes in the body that cause pain and illness.

Hi Russ,

There is absolutely no doubt in my mind about that. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia 15 years ago and I know that is stress induced. The pain and fatigue are very real and can be debilitating. I also believe that my therapy and dealing with the hidden emotions has lessened the severity of my suffering. I still have a few days here and there that I really hurt and feel fatigued, but over all I am much improved.

I am so sorry that your father was emotionally void like that for you Russ. I know my father was raised by a stern old hag who didn’t know the first thing about affection. His father was a good for nothing man who didn’t want to work and was abusive to his family. He was such a severe alcoholic that he drank what was known as wood alcohol which could be deadly. My father tried to be a loving father, but he was usually very cold and hateful. Looking back I know that he didn’t hate ME, but I didn’t know that when I was a child. He would give me the meanest, dirtiest looks as if he wished I'd disappear. We had a turbulent relationship to say the least, but that at least changed as I got older.

At least the peace I know through my T soothes my inner child somewhat, but I still have much work to do.

Take care,
JM

quote:

My daughter was only in therapy for about 10 months. I take that long to sneeze.

LOL! You crack me up!

I wish I could get my daughter into therapy. But she has no insurance and I pay out of the pocket for my own after 30 visits per year. Maybe one day. She mentioned to me once that she would actually like to see a therapist once or twice. I laughed and said "I know who your mother is, I'm afraid it will take more than that sweetheart."

Still 10 months, not bad AG!

Dysfunctional family behaviors/patterns/illnesses are often inherited by generations to pass.