Next week it will have been a year since I started going to see my T... I'm considering getting her a card or a small gift to say thank you... But I guess that's a different topic.

This week a friend of mine is going through some hard times with her spouse and has been coming to me for support. I've known this friend since childhood and she and her wife both knew me when I was deep into the 'need to apologize', and have a pretty strong understanding of this part of me. But, she is also aware that I have been in therapy for the past year, and asked me if I could help her understand WHY I was a big ball of apologies all the time, so that she could try to understand the same behaviours in her partner.

I thought about it briefly, and then thought... Well, why not. If my stuff can help two good friends find some peace and sanity, that sounds like a great plan...Right?

So, after writing it all out and sending it, I talked to my T about it, and then sent her a copy as well. And I thought, well...why not post it here and see how it sits with other people etc as well... So, here it is...

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Ok... So bear with me, and keep in mind that I'll just be totally honest about my shit, and it may not directly translate to you guys, but some of it may...and if it makes sense, you are welcome to share it with her if you feel it would be helpful....


For me, it took me a shitload of work to understand that it was a 'chicken and egg' situation... What I mean is that for me, the feeling of insecurity would come up first and then I would attach it to someone and create a reason.

It blew me away when this concept first came up, because I had never realized before that there was this sensation of worthlessness or insecurity that was triggered by 'something'... And THEN there was this person who I valued, appreciated, respected etc standing infront of me ... And that sensation is weird on its own... So you attach it to that person and 'use' them to try to make that feeling make sense, or to make yourself feel okay and reassured, or really just to feel safe.

As adults we figure we 'should' (dangerous word) be able to have these answers, regulate ourselves etc... But it's like if your child came to you in the middle of the night crying.

You may not know what is wrong... But you know he needs your love, attention and reassurance, right? This is kindof the same thing... There's a part of us in those instances that is a scared kid in the dark who just needs someone to tell us it's going to be okay. Or just give us a big ass hug and hold us for a minute....


So, for me... I know now that when I feel like that and I start apologizing... I say "I'm sorry"... But what I'm really trying to say is "I feel worthless, insecure or afraid, and I need to be reassured.".


But we're grown ups and it feels silly to say that... And even typing it here is embarrassing to admit... For me, I've worked really hard to realize when the feeling comes first... Sometimes it doesn't make it easier to just sit there and be a big ball of insecurity or figure out what I need to feel better with whatever triggered me in the first place... But by understanding it... If it reigns true for her... Maybe you can both work on recognizing how to make her feel secure or safe in that moment.


We all have triggers... They come from different places in our lives where something happened that caused a part of us to fragment off and be frozen in time... Sometimes later in life something pops up...


A sound, a fight, your child acting out... Can trigger this part of us and cause a reaction we don't understand. Some big bad reaction that feels crazy... Either we feel like we are angrier than we should be, or feel insecure.. Or something else.


I suck at angry... Because when something happens that makes me angry, I get ridiculously angry - and get all disproportionately pissed off or think horrible things etc... But I never act on it... And once I calm down, I feel guilty for the crap that went through my head... And then I feel sorry because of what I thought of that person (has to be a person of importance to me) when I was angry... Even though they never knew it... Might be part of things with her as well... She may be getting triggered with your child and think something bad that she would never act on... But then may feel overwhelmed with guilt for how she could have thought that...


Anyway... Feelin a little exposed... But I trust you not to judge...