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12 replies

Support, *update*

aboutaboutMember
Hello everyone!

I am trying to come back on the forum (and keep my feelings under control), do not judge me too harshly/throw stones at me? But I love this forum, and am interested in your discussions!

So, today's topic is "support".

As you may know from reading my other topic, I have been having a bit of a hard time after the Friend story, and I am still quite unsure how I feel about it, hesitating to conclude that I am a terrible person selfish, arrogant, and causing harm to people. I have also, sadly, relapsed in SI.

My T, who seems to be very caring, offered that I could call her if I was feeling "too" bad, so that she could offer support, which is very kind of her. However, I am noticing a pattern in my reaction to people offering support: I would love to "have" it, and yet... I am unable to accept it, because I feel it is too much, and I actually don't deserve it, because I am a bad person/I don't actually need it since I am not dying, so I feel guilty for having (probably) lied to the person to get support, because there is no other way they would offer it. And even if I try to accept it, I just don't know how to do it, it is like I physically/emotionally can't take it. I look at it and don't know what to do with it, so I say thank you and try to be polite, but... I just can't access it.

My T knows (partly) about this and is still willing to try, but I was wondering whether you had any similar feelings/experience or, if you don't, HOW you "deal" with support?

Thank you for reading (if you want the novel-length version of it, have a look at my blog^^)
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aboutaboutMember
Thank you for your answers, and Turtle, I am sorry you feel such pain. I wish I could learn to recognize I am in pain, and ask/accept support, but as long as I am not physically dying, I know I won't. Which leaves all the steps before getting to this point. How inconvenient!

I think that one of the "layers" of my inability to accept care is the fact that I think that as soon as I will accept it, it will disappear, T/anyone else will stop offering it, to avoid getting me 'used to this privilege". Obviously, you can hear my parents talking here^^

And even deeper, in the specific case of my T, there is the knowledge that I will have to 'lose' her in several months, which is terrifying. So, what if I accept her support? And all those feelings? It will be worse after, because I will have to lose them, which will be even more painful than pretending I never wanted them. It is already too much, to be aware of this loss in advance. Support is one more thing I would lose.

Does this make sense?
aboutaboutMember
quote:
Dear T,

I can’t do it. I can’t. Whatever “it” is, I can’t. I am scared and it hurts. Of course, I will do “it”, “it”. Be alive. It’s not that hard, you just have to stay very still and not move too much and the feelings won’t hurt so much.



You said I could call if I felt like isolating or cutting. Dear T, it hurts. Because I can’t call you. I am never feeling bad enough or cutting bad enough to deserve your care. I am not allowed to have it. I feel I should not even exist, because that’s exactly how much care I deserve. At last, I would not be existing/taking more attention than I deserve.

T, I would love to call you so very much. It’s even worse to know that maybe it would be allowed and that “I” can decide to call. Because it means that I have to be the one deciding I am not deserving your care.

You know, T, I am not even allowed to save your number or email, because I am not allowed to have anything beside the sessions. And here it is, so close. I could reach for it, and I just must not. It hurts. I don’t know what I should do, T.

Best regards,

About


Btw, dear T, I do hope you are NOT reading those lines *paranoid me*
sdsdMember
OMG. You are all speaking my language too.

You have written it all so well, looks like i will have yet another topic to talk about this week.

My T offers so much and I turn inside out denying myself the care that she offers feeling that I am totally unworthy, too much trouble, not in enough distress or things aren't serious enough etc etc.

I just don't know what to do with it. Why can't I take in care and let it soothe where it needs to soothe but instead I take in the care as a self punishment, self loathing, painful and very distressing process?

SD
catalystcatalystMember
(((About))) sorry for your fears concerning T's care going away. I found, when I could accept that my T was supportive that she could be more free with her support. Since I wouldn't be getting angry with her, running away in shame, etc. I still let her care in sometimes under much mental distress... (and it's still triggering).. but I feel like if i talk about it I'm just somehow being manipulative. To say I accept something means I don't have to need it anymore, to say I don't means I'm trying to manipulate to get more of something and that just makes it worse (this is in my illogical brain here). For me it's a delicate balance between ignoring it and denial. What's made the most difference, and I hope this makes sense... is the consistency. My T is equally as caring/supportive whether I'm trying to beat her away with a stick or asking her to come a bit closer. It's only me changing... that seems to settle my cage.
aboutaboutMember
Thank you for your answer catalyst.

I can find myself in your "balance between ignoring and denial", I practice that with consistence^^
I find myself being manipulative whatever I do, and maybe even worse when I say no to my T's care:
- if I say yes: I am bad, because accepting a support I do not deserve
- if I say no: I am bad because I am actually trying to keep the said support from disappearing.

So... whatever I do I end up being guilty, and I can see that there must be something not logical in this, but can't pinpoint it (well, obviously, I "should" say no and then stop wanting it, that would be Good and Fine... )

I think part of this is just a protection against the fear of being "abandoned" by preventing me to be fully aware that there is something to lose.

(booo. I do not want her to disappear Frowner )
aboutaboutMember
Thanks, RE. And... any problem with my very logical logic? Razzer

The entire thing is actually about the concept that wanting support is bad,... which is slightly contradictory with the very concept of a T, or at least a T who (seems to) care.

So, update: I sent the mail, T answered, and unexpectedly, I got scared (that her answer would be hurtful), which activated the survival system of switching off the feelings. So I am thinking... maybe I actually should not be doing therapy, because it takes me to dark places and my survival mode is less painful?
I wonder how it is possible to know whether having to struggle with all those feelings is actually a good thing or not.
This is "doubts time." For the first time, I am thinking of cancelling next session, because really, what good does it do to have all those feelings? They are scary, and they hurt, so... how do I know it is right to go, and not just some wicked trick of my tendency to get attached?

Thank you for reading, and sorry for not being able to write as well as some members do here. I'll learn, hopefully.
R rabbitearsMember
About, I understand your logic and it seems perfect Wink but I also want to say that survival mode without therapy usually only functions for a while, until coping techniques break down from a major upheaval or prolonged stress. Then it becomes a cycle of returning to T/therapy periodically, during the worst of times, and leaving again when sessions get scary. I think (I'm sorry to say it too Razzer) that when it gets scary is the most important time to go!

My T uses the analogy of debriding (or cleaning out) a wound. It would hurt less to leave the wound alone, but you have to open it up and clean it out for it to heal properly. This is the excuse she gives me for all the pain she *causes* Wink

You know I love your writing... In fact, it might be good to share it*** with your T in person, take it to your next session (promise you'll go??).

(((((((About)))))))))

RabbitEars

***Take a print-out of this thread

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