So I had a meeting with the clinical psychologist of the mental health intake team here in London to see what sort of therapy would suit me better to move to here from my other city where I attend low cost counselling once a week.

I didn't hold back with my issues. I declared what my daily difficulties were and my transference issues with my therapist.

In short, I feel EXTREMELY attached to my therapist, erotically as well. Sometimes I'll wake up in the morning and crave her as a sexual partner etc. I've told her this. I'm as honest as I can be as much as I can be because I want to sort this all out and get the help I need. Threat of leaving her due to external circumstances caused me to become very depressed all of a sudden, suicidal and self-harmed. I felt completely alone and helpless.

I was diagnosed as BPD about a month ago or so. I am finally coming to terms with the fact that I probably am.

So it came as a shock to me when I described what I go through; how my anxieties stop me from holding down a job, how I feel cut off from the world, insecurities, attachment issues to the world etc, to which he replied after some thought;

'I'm sorry, the NHS can't offer you one to one therapy support in the way that you need it'

I agreed with him that 1 to 1 therapy once a week was not enough. It is damaging. The distance from her causes me to internalize the pain and create an ambivalent attachment to her which distresses and depresses me too much. I have craved her so much that when the threat of therapy stopping came along, the whole world seemed to collapse around me. I even have ambivalent attachments to my best friends.

He suggested an intensive course of group therapy that lasts for 18 months. He said that I need to get a date to end therapy (Even the mere conversation caused me to feel very low for two days after that). I agreed to it.

I guess I'm disappointed and angry because HELLO, I have a debilitating illness here that's caused me life to spiral into chaos (financially, emotionally, mentally) in which I believe I need 1 to 1 sessions more regularly than once a week to be able to speak to someone (I talk to myself a LOT because in my life, I've been severely frustrated at not having a voice), and there is a lot of solace in speaking to someone who is compassionate about my issues.

In saying this, my attachment to my therapist is ridiculously strong. My identity started merging into hers to the point where I took up a Psychology undergraduate part time course to 'become' her in which I dropped it after a few months because I could not handle the emotional tensity of studying and dealing with the transference and having made a quick whim move to London overnight.

I'm starting to wonder if 1 to 1 sessions are good, therefore, if my attachment is so ridiculously strong, 1 to 1 sessions may not be good because I must go into a subconscious infant mode where I literally feel like I need to merge with the therapist.

But I worry because I want to integrate into the world and the literature states that the best way to work through BPD is to have group therapy AND 1 to 1 help.

This was really difficult news to deal with. I was almost 100% sure that I would safely be able to cross over to a new therapist and that this therapist would help me grieve my current one but not so.

I'm going to have to grit my teeth with the grief and hope that I do not get bad. I'm forcing myself to detach from her by putting a stop on my heavy fantasies of her being someone she never will be because if I don't, then I fear I'll cope really badly with the end of it.

I'm just disappointed with the UK NHS here and am wondering if anyone has any advice they can give, specifically anyone living in Britain with BPD and goes to therapy.

It's either that or I try to force myself to work and pay for my own therapy more than once a week.

Or not attend 1 to 1 therapy anymore and use a DBT workbook or something to help me through my issues..