Butterfly,

I am sorry that you are feeling scared and conflicted about this new T. Your struggles with covering the same issues sounds much like what TN is struggling with in her therapy. You might read some of her recent threads because she has really been working through that issue.

When is your old T coming back? I'm sorry, but I really don't think there is a good way to do this without becoming emotionally invested. I think so much of the therapy is in the relationship so if you take that piece out you are really being short changed. I can imagine how hard it is to start over and learn to trust someone all over again.

Personally, my current T is nothing like my old T's. She shares the same name as my first T which is something that gives me a chuckle because that is all they shared. My first T sucked! My second T that I was very close to is similar in some ways, but it's like she was the light version of my current T and current T takes everything I loved about my old T and takes it to a whole new level and then adds frosting and sprinkles on top.

I'm sorry this is so hard for you. I hope that you can find a way to work with the new T that feels right for you. (((hugs)))

hi butterfly!
i so get the 'guilt', i've been tormented by it too! and i know that i shouldn't feel bad, but i can't help it. and i dont know what to do about it

my new T is very different from my old T, but i didn't get to chose her, and i think if i had, i wouldn't have chosen her, she is way scarier and more serious. i am pretty sure i would have chosen someone similar to my old T, probably unconsciously too.

i was also hoping i would be more 'detached' this time and just treat it more as 'business' (the business of fixing me but its been pretty intense and nothing but that.

sorry i dont have anything helpful to say... i hope your T is capable and will be able to help you.

puppet

Hi Butterfly,

Here is my 2 cents.
I agree with strm. It is all about the relationship. If the relationship is good, strong and safe, then that is where the healing comes from.
If you read my history of T stuff (some of it T trigger stuff)you will see how strong the attachment is. He supports it- to a degree, and he helps me to understand it. The relationship is sometimes great, or sometimes very tough- but sticking with T has allowed me to grow both ways. I practice the deep relationship stuff with him and if he is attuned,the rewards are super healing.

I hope this helps.

hele

quote:

Your struggles with covering the same issues sounds much like what TN is struggling with in her therapy. You might read some of her recent threads because she has really been working through that issue.

STRM thanks for suggesting my thread to Butterfly. I was thinking the same thing. I have really had some struggles with coming to terms with doing therapy all over again with my new T but I have found a small space where I can settle for now in knowing that it's okay and will never be exactly like my first therapy because I have changed. I'm not that same person I was... for better or worse... I have learned a lot from therapy... not all good. But I have come to realize that my new T will meet me wherever I am now in therapy and he will come with me where I need to go.

I did struggle with a sense of violating what I had with my oldT. I felt very close to him before the abandonment and what I shared with him was special and intimate and I could not imagine going there with a new T, nor did I want to. I and never believed I would allow myself to attach to another T but yet I felt that without the attachment I could not heal. So I needed to find a T that I had a hope of one day attaching to... way down the time line. There has been SO much grief in the way that it was hard to even look at my new T who is a wonderful, caring and knowledgeable guy. He would ask me to look AT him so I could see his expression when I told him hard stuff but I couldn't do it. I would look in his general direction but it was as if I was looking "through" him not at him. And for the first 3 months I could not even remember WHAT he looked like.

As for chosing a similar T... I guess I did that purposely. I wanted a male in his 50's. My T's have similar body types and coloring but my new T is so much smarter and experienced than my oldT. I wanted someone comfortable with attachment and who would allow outside contact. I got that too. Names... well the first name of my NewT is the middle name of my OldT LOL. New T also dresses a lot better!

If you want to read my thread about struggling with the "do over" I'll link it here.

http://psychcafe.ca/eve/forums...09181/m/729009093001

Hang in there Butterfly. It does get easier if there is a good match. On the other hand, I think you will know after maybe 2 months (8 sessions) if there is no chemistry. I knew after about 3 session that my new T was the T for me even though I was too terrified to admit it because of what happened with oldT. I still get scared. Funny thing... I knew we were connecting and that he was becoming important to me when I started hating that he had other clients and when I started to remember what he wore to session. I started to see him... or at least his clothing... then I started to remember his kind face and that is when I knew I was making progress. Around Christmas I told him that I was no longer angry at him for not being my old T and things really started to progress from there.

Hugs
TN

quote:

I like this T but am scared that I will become too emotionally invested…not only because of the pain it would cause me but also in a way it feels like I am cheating old T as we covered a lot together and to go over similar ground with someone else in order to form the base of a relationship feels like a betrayal in some sense. Don’t get me wrong I know it isn’t and I'm sure old T would be happy I found someone else…I guess it is just my internal thought process.

Butterfly,
I'm sorry, I know how hard this is, I am glad you posted about it. I really relate to that sense of betrayal. I was still seeing my FirstT for individual counseling when my husband and I started seeing my T for couples counseling. My FirstT and I had gotten kind of stalled (for reasons I later figured out but it's a little long to go into now) and I remember that I started feeling like I was getting more out of the couples' sessions than I was my own sessions. I could barely admit that to myself I felt so guilty.I had worked with FirstT for a long time and had done a significant amount of healing. In many ways, she had allowed me to live my life for many years and she walked through so much of my trauma. I will always owe her a debt of gratitude. So I did feel like I was somehow betraying her. Then she retired and you know full well how diffcult that was. I never thought it would be possible to have that kind of relationship again. Then I started working with my present T. Once he figured out that I was dealing with an attachment injury, things just took off. I think I made more progress with him in three years than I made in the last 10-12 with my FirstT. Again, swamped with guilt. It was like saying I liked my dad more than my mom. But I eventually realized something very important which was I would NEVER have been able to do the work with my second T if I had not first done the healing with my FirstT and I really believe that she cared deeply enough for me that she would rejoice to see me healed no matter how it came about. So I hold her in my heart and honor her for all that she gave me and I do the same with my present T. You are not betraying your T to work with someone else, you are honoring the work she did with you and what she invested in your life to continue what she helped you start.

quote:

I really thought I could get away without the relationship part this time round but it doesn’t look like I am the type of person who can do the work without the relationship .

I don't anyone is the type of person to do the work without the relationsihp. I agree with what others have said, the relationship is where the healing takes place so its hard to go without it. As TN says so often, we were wounded in relationship so we need to be healed in relationship.

quote:

Just wondered if anyone else has noticed a pattern in the therapists they chose that wasn't intentional?

I honestly believe I was lead to both of my therapists BUT I also recognize that the reason they were so effective was because of things we shared. And I have to believe that people do form a pattern with their therapists just as we do with a lot of our relationships. GTOL talks about how our attachment experiences teach us what to expect out of a loving relationship, so people who behave in ways that line of with that "light up" our attachment feelings. We are drawn to those people because it feels right. The trick with a therapist is to find someone who attracts but is healthy enough to help you change. EVERYONE acts on unconscious motivations, that's the point of therapy, having someone be able to see those patterns and help us to see and understand them. So yeah, don't be embarrassed, I think it's perfectly normal and oh so human that you did that.

AG

STRM, I am not too sure when my old T will be back, I just know she will be at some point which is why I am wondering if I am just making the situation far more complicated by involving someone else on an emotional level. I think I could have handled it if I didn’t have to give so much of myself each time. Thank you for sharing the similarities or should I say non similarities with your T’s …bet that must be weird two of them having the same name.

Puppet I’m sorry that your new T is so scary. Intense can be hard but I hope you have been able to get something from it too.

Thanks Mayo for your 2 cents. Think I may be living in la la land hoping to get the work done without the relationship. Glad your T has been so supportive.

TN, I have read your threads…I love reading about your therapy and all you are getting from it but I know you have had many struggles along the way and I appreciate all that you have shared. I don’t think I would be so scared of attaching with another T if I knew that there was no way I could work again with old T but I know the possibility is there. I guess I was looking for someone to fill the gap rather than have a completely fresh start and am coming to the realization that perhaps I can’t have both. Thanks for the reassurance TN! I hope what I wrote isn’t too triggering for you, if it is I can edit it.

quote:

You are not betraying your T to work with someone else, you are honoring the work she did with you and what she invested in your life to continue what she helped you start.

AG, I love what you wrote here…its so beautiful. But what if I can continue what I started with her and I am just being impatient in my need of support and starting something that will inevitably cause confusion. That is my dilemma.
Thank you for sharing how you worked with your different T’s, I have read this in various threads and really admire all the self awareness that the relationships have brought you and your amazing insight into things.

I think I may have panicked as in my last session with this T I felt a connection that I hadn’t felt previously and also wasn't expecting to feel and at the same time as feeling good it has scared me because I wasn’t looking for it…or so I thought anyway .

Butterfly

Hi June,

Thank you for your reassurance about seeing another T. I'm sorry you got no notice of your P's absence. It sounds like you are just getting some much needed support during the absence of P rather than seeing two T/P's at the same time so I am sure there is nothing to worry about in terms of P knowing.

Yes it is very complicated...I am not even sure when or if my T will come into practice but know it will be a good while so it would be a long time to hold out, yet at the same time didn't think I would feel as confused as I do so will have to think about whether I want to carry on or not.

Butterfly

quote:

Puppet I’m sorry that your new T is so scary. Intense can be hard but I hope you have been able to get something from it too.

she's not actually that scary i'm finding out... its just me who is scared... thank you for your concern tho
i think it's helping me to see a new T, a new point of view. she's a bit tougher and more pushy but i think i need that right now. somehow, every week, no matter how scary it is, i am compelled to go back and am intrigued by it all. i think that's a good sign.

i hope you too can benefit from a new perspective. it must be so hard not even knowing when she will back... she didn't leave you in a good place like that and i'm sure she'll understand and want you to have the help and care that you deserve.
for me, i'm the one who left my T, so i (tell myself) i'm more deserving of the guilt. although, AG put is so beautifully:

quote:

But I eventually realized something very important which was I would NEVER have been able to do the work with my second T if I had not first done the healing with my FirstT and I really believe that she cared deeply enough for me that she would rejoice to see me healed no matter how it came about.

thank you AG, that really touched me and i already believe the first part, so now i need to work on the second part


puppet

The only pattern I really can see between T1 and T2 is that I have to pay both of them to take an interest in my life.