I don't have any clever comments about it - other than I really understand what you mean and I feel the same way.
SD

hi kmay. it sounds to me like you are in mourning. i hear anger for what happened and sadness for what was lost.

quote:

Like I almost wish I didn't know what I had been missing out on as a child if that makes sense?

maybe that is envy, i don't know. but i think that is partly how you heal, by experiencing in therapy what you did miss as a child. go through all the feelings of anger and sadness and loss, and come out the other side with some understanding and perhaps some forgiveness. i think i am slowly learning that the forgiveness is what holds the key to true freedom. i'm rambling ... sorry.

awhile back i was experiencing what you described above about the aching, the short end of the stick, the longing. it was sooo painful and it took me weeks to figure out what it was. you describe it perfectly, btw. and it's the very longing that continually makes me want to quit therapy. to me it almost feels like a betrayal. you start therapy oblivious of what's about the unfold. and you start to get attached. maybe eventually trust. and you keep getting pulled in in spite of struggling like hell not to. and you fight it because you know it's all just an illusion and it has to end some time, so what's the point? what's the incentive here? i think i'm rambling again. kmay i just want you to know i share a lot of your feelings. i've said it many times ~ therapy IS confusing. it can be a real mind-f*ck. i still think, though, that there's something to be got from it all. at least, i'm curious enough to stick it out for now.

anyway, just wanted to poke my head in and let you know you got company. take care!

btw, i dig your signature quote

Hi Kmay

I agree with closed doors, I have felt the same way as you when my T has used her children to explain something to me. I especially remember one time when I heard my T telling her daughter she loved her as she was leaving for school.

When T came into the room I could barely speak because I was so emotional, when I eventually managed to tell her why I was upset, she said it sounded like I was grieving. I was, grieving for all the things I never had a child. I don't remember my parents telling me that they loved me, I don't remember any pet names like sweetheart (heard my t say that to her daughter)

I've been doing a lot of grieving the last few weeks, it's been hard but it's getter better (slowly)

Luci

Kmay,

I don't know if it will make you feel any better but I had to block out the fact that my T had any life besides me because it was just TOO painful to bear. But as I've soaked up all the goodies he gives me, the pain does lessen. I couldn't grieve until I got enough of the goodies.

Hi kmay,
You expressed yourself very clearly, and yes- this makes LOTS of sense to me as well. I struggle with similar thing myself,(allthough i dont know much about the trauma- part)- espescially how to "solve" that paradoxal feeling that the goodness and closeness and the caring seemes to turn into something incredible painfull instad. Yeah- like cravings and longings, as you said. And it makes sense that you rather not want to know and "visualize" your T taking care of her daughter. I totally understand how that could feel like getting stabbed in the heart... Have you told your T this? She should be able to understand this.

I used to struggle alot everytime i learned more about my T`s privacy and how he treated other patients or family etc. But i was curious as well, so i read meny of his books that he wrote, and there he would often reviel stories about important people in his life and whom he loves etc. - things that would make me both very jelaous and also feel very rejected! ("He loves z & x, but not me..")
Could that be a part of the sadness that you feel as well? Anyway i think the sadness you feel are "natural" in that you`re grieving over what you missed as a child, and you feel that more strongly now propably because your T helps you come in contact with your needs and feelings.

Sorry it`s so hard now. It will get better!
At least i concider myself as a living proof that this things will change and whatever painful feeling that have followed the good ones, it will be worth it eventually. My best advice for you is to talk to your T about this; let her know about this struggle and how you feel like she cant give you what you need (at least not without making you long for more). The talking about it itself eases the pain a lot, is my experience.

Be gentle with yourself!

It IS a very confusing process. I think you're at a very important point though. Everything you're feeling is normal and expected. You didn't get what you needed as a child. Not the love, affection, or acceptance. That is sad. Very very sad. As a little kid, we didn't realize that. We took it on ourselves, assumed we were the 'bad' ones, and suffered as a result. That also is very very sad. For many of us though, we were never allowed to experience that sadness. We've gone through life either too tough or disordered or too alone - all to mask this incredibly difficult core hurt/pain/shame. We were never allowed to just 'be' as kids...and, by wearing those masks, we have imposed that disservice on ourselves into adulthood. As a little kid, there were no choices; now, our suffering is on us to alter. And the only way to do that is to walk through it.

Though it's hard to see, what is happening with your T can be a hugely amazing thing. You're tapping into all you lost, all you want. What could be more painful? I know it's hard, but the more you turn toward that pain, the more you accept it and embrace it, the faster this process goes. My T also has kids and for awhile I hated hearing about it. It was too hard, caused so much pain. So, I avoided. I stop listening to those conversations, tried to forget about it, wanted to leave. And got nowhere. It wasn't until I really turned toward all of that - not until I truly thought about her with her children, accepted what it meant for me, accepted the pain of not having that, and truly grieved (and I mean, on the floor in a puddle grieved it) - did I actually start seeing improvement in my life. Not until I gave that little horribly sad and alone kid inside me a voice (a very strong voice at that)...not until I listened to and accepted her pain, longing, wants, and needs...did she start to be soothed, become more ready to explore, felt safer (both in the world and in the capacity to express wants and needs).

Where you're at is hugely important. This IS what therapy is about. Most people do leave...it's hard to embrace pain like this. It's hard to want to truly think, feel, and experience that which makes us the most sad, angry, lonely, etc. But I truly believe it's the only way through.

Thank you so much to everyone for your responses.

(((Somedays))) - Thank you. For making me feel less alone

(((Closed Doors))) - Oh man...you explained exactly what I have been feeling.

quote:

to me it almost feels like a betrayal. you start therapy oblivious of what's about the unfold. and you start to get attached. maybe eventually trust. and you keep getting pulled in in spite of struggling like hell not to. and you fight it because you know it's all just an illusion and it has to end some time, so what's the point?

I couldn't have said it better. It's awful! My T said last session that she doesn't ever want me to feel like she let me down. And that she is there for as long as I need her, but that one day I won't need her as much but that is up to me...I let her know when that time comes. I was thinking in my head "uuummm right...I will be coming to see you forever then!"...and her comment almost scared me. Like the inevitable is that I don't get to have her in my life forever, but the thought of not having her in my life forever seems unbearable. Aahh its crap! But thank you. For your response and for understanding

(((Lucina))) - Yes, I am grieving. Alot. I feel incredibly sad. I do hope it gets better. Thank you.

(((Liese))) - Yes! I feel like I have to try to completely block all that out. I have even considered asking her to not use examples from her personal life b/c it just hurts too much

(((Frog))) - Thank you. I have considered telling her how I feel about her sharing from her personal life. I want to ask her not to b/c its hurts, but I feel like it's wrong of me to do that? And yes...you explain it so well. I constantly feel angry b/c I feel like she loves xyz...but not me. I feel so strange sometimes sharing my most fragile parts with her. Mostly b/c I hate myself and that feeling is so real to me that I am sure that when someone hears the things that make me hate myself that they too will hate me...unless they already love me.... Truly love me and I know they love me and I know why. So I feel angry that she doesn't love me and so I think she must hate me....oh boy...I am rambling. So I have thought about telling her all this but it makes me feel so shameful...

(((Sunsheen))) - I want you to know that what you said really meant alot to me. In fact, I had cancelled with T today b/c I couldn't face the pain. After I read your comment (and also b/c she happened to have a cancellation and called me to see if I had changed my mind) I decided to go in. But really, I probably wouldn't have without reading your comment. I do want to leave...to quit...b/c its too painful. But then I remember why I started therapy in the first place, Because that place I was in is just as painful, if not more....so I guess it can only get better from here. Hopefully anyway.

Again - Thanks Everyone. This forum has given me so much support.

's all around.