Hi Raven,

I don't share my T with anyone I know. I've imagined the scenario however, and I agree with you that it's potentially awkward. I wonder if there's a reason your friend specifically wants to see YOUR T? Or did she ask simply as a starting off point in her search?

Obviously, she's an adult (I assume?) and can hire any T of her choosing, including yours, but that doesn't mean you can't discuss your misgivings with her. She may end up agreeing with you, that it would be better for everyone to see separate shrinks.

In my fantasies of how this scenario might play out, I think of course I would be totally jealous if I felt like T liked my friend more... totally immature, but it's true At the same time, I am dying to know what she's like with other clients, and having a friend to share information with would be a valuable resource. We could compare notes to our heart's content. I'd feel like it would help me know my T better. So there's pros and cons...

Good luck with this,
effed

I know people who see both of my Ts. I hate it, but it has had its positives. It's nice to hear how my Ts interact with others because it helps me to feel like they are safe - but on the same token it also makes me feel like a horrible client because I don't think my Ts like me nearly as much as the people I know and it makes me feel bad for wasting their time. /

You may want to talk to your T, she may agree with you that seeing someone you know in your real life might undermine your work together.

Interesting take on it, catalyst and effed. It might be nice to hear how she is with someone else. I think though, that if my friend feels a deeper connection and gets what I perceive as "more" from her, I would probably shut down and know my t doesn't really care.

My gut tells me that my friend wants to see my t because of wanting a deeper connection with me. A mutual friend of ours, who she relied on heavily as a "caretaker" has moved in a new direction with life and hasn't been around much. I think my friend is trying to hold onto people and things because it's so scary to make changes. I understand all this, which is why I feel terrible that I don't want her to see my t, but I also realize I need to care for myself and honor my feelings.

I also realized and am ashamed to admit that if my friend saw my t, it would be on-going, as my friend has $$$ to afford her, whereas my sessions end soon for the year until July and I would be jealous. I also don't think I could bring this up to t because if I i, she might be mad that I dissuaded a potential client away, who can pay cash.

I share a T with my husband, but it was his T first, which actually made things feel safer at first, but is now a huge challenge (but we're working on it together).

I have some friends who started going to the same center and I asked my T for a referral and dropped something about assuming he wouldn't treat them and with already treating my H he agreed that he wouldn't take on other clients who were basically our best friends, but did recommend who he thought would be best. So, maybe the first step would be to discuss it with your T whether he would even be interested in treating patients who knew one another AND knew they shared a T, to explore your feelings on not wanting to share her, to ask T what sort of boundaries are in place (even if you already know, reassurance never hurts) to make sure that you feel safe. So, my recommendation would be, if your friend asks again, to tell her you are asking your T about it. Then, ultimately, if you don't feel comfortable sharing a T, I would tell both your friend and your T exactly that.

quote:

Does anyone see the same T as a friend? Is it awkward or can you keep it out of both relationships?

Hi Raven, I was on the other side of the situation. That awful, horrible day that oldT told me to go find another T and I left him and was sobbing in the car hysterical with grief, and then he came out, got scared at how I was and called the cops on me... well I had asked them if I could call a friend to take me home instead and they said yes. I called a friend from work who was one of the few people who even knew I was in therapy in real life. So she came but they backed out of the agreement and would not allow me to leave with her until I went to the ER crisis center first to get "evaluated". That part of it was a total joke as there was no one in the ER who had any credentials, only phone workers.

Long story short, the friend took me home and knowing that I had pretty much lost my T, suggested that I call her T who she had been seeing for a number of years. I said no it would not be a good idea because we are friends and it may make things uncomfortable. I assured her I would look on my own for a T. And I did. I saw four other T's and was not clicking with any of them. I wanted a middle-aged male, close to my office, and someone who understood attachment. Not easy to find.

And so one night feeling desperate and talking to my sister on the phone she convinced me to call my friend's T who fit all my qualifications (didn't know about the attachment part yet) but not only was he male, 50's, close to office but also in my insurance plan! I did call him and he called back and immediately I knew he "got it" about attachment, about the traumatic termination, etc. And so I went to see him. I have been with him ever since and that was 16 months ago.

He already knew about me because my friend told him what happened to me and her that day in the ER and how it all went down with my oldT. I was not sure how much he knew about it or how he felt about it so it was pretty scary to go and face him. I wondered if he blamed me for upsetting his patient (my friend) enough that she placed an emergency call to him. To this day my T tells me I earned his respect by going to face him that day. He said I can't even appreciate the courage it took for me to do that.

Anyway, I did not tell my friend for six months that I was seeing her T. My T did not schedule us on the same days. I took comfort in the fact that SHE told me I should call him but I had said no that first time. After I felt that I would stay with my T I invited her out to lunch and I told her everything that had happened. How I could not find anyone and that I gave up and called her T and I was glad I did. How he had made an enormous difference in my recovery and I chided her to not telling me what a fabulous T she had LOL. I also knew from talking to her previously that she did not have a strong attachment to him and that made a difference somehow in my decision. So we talked a bit about him and then I told her I would never put her in the uncomfortable decision of ever asking about her therapy or trying to talk to her about him and we would go on as we always did before this. My T has excellent boundaries so neither of us worried that our privacy would be an issue.

On a side note, my T never has openings. He has been booked for the past 15 years and only accepts referrals. When I asked him if he is so busy how did I get an appointment with him... he told me that it was because I knew Marie and because he already knew my story and he knew he could help me. And so... it was a bit of fate and a bit of desperation that led me to him. Personally, I believe it was my guardian angel taking care of me when I was so traumatized I could barely see straight. My T has saved my life. And I'm thankful to my friend because I would not have found him otherwise (he does not advertise). Our friendship goes on as normal and we both respect the therapy boundaries.

So that is my story. Hope it helps in some way. I do understand your reluctance to share your T with a friend because there is always the chance they won't respect your boundary and it gets uncomfortable. I guess it depends on the friend. I know that now I would think twice before recommending anyone to my T.

good luck
TN

I don't like this topic!! Not exactly the same BUT - the night before I began with OLDT I said her name and Friend A said that she was a close friend of a mutual Friend B. Us 3 (and another friend) were planning a holiday together. When we were out, my friends would talk about T as theyknew her. This bothered me. Then i started doing serious therapy and my relationship with Friend B got weird - she stopped talking about T or half talked about her or started saying "a friend of mine....". Then the other friend saw T out in public once and relayed the entire conversation back to me. It was all too much. I found that there were therapy issues I couldn't talk about with T because I knew T had seen my friends that week etc and some of my issues were about the friends.

It got very ugly. The victim ended up being me. I flipped out one day, brought the issue up with T and T told me I was terminated. My friends kept talking about T in front of me - i couldn't control what they said, despite me asking them not to discuss her.

IN the end I lost T, lost Friend B and my relationship with Friend A - is very strained. There is also another friend - and she has totally dumped me as well.

I would never recommend my T to a friend. Never.

A weird situation recently happened when a work colleague whinged about a T he went to see and how slack and late she was. He couldn't remember the T's name but described the practice - I thought OH NO. He showed me the card and Yes, it was my beloved T. I didn't tell him that she was my T. If I ever see him at the practice - I don't know how to react to it as maybe I should have told him. It was all very awkward.

Basically try and avoid all of this.

If it were me I would never recommend my T - ever. I don't want to know who else T sees.

OH, SomDays, that is awful!

Ibasically didn't give my friend her number. I sent her a list of others ~ and haven't heard back in two days so I'm sure she got the message and is hurt ~ but the more I thought about it, it would just be too awkward. My friend tends to be a compainer and I would hate to have her complaining about T. The I would start defending her and it I don't need that between our friendship. I also know my friend would talk about me and other mutal friends, and I don't need that in my thoughts when trying to work through all my "stuff".

Thanks for everyone's advice. I knwo it's right for me not to recommend her ~ I probably could have just told my friend how I felt rather than being passive aggressive.

and....if your friend did see your T and then you had issues with the friend - you know that the T knows your friend as a client AND this would influence how much you disclose and discuss with your T. Once you get to the point where you are choosing whether to talk about issues or not for fear of what your T might or might not thing - you have then lost your own safe therapeutic environment.

It just isn't worth it.

Totally true.

I'm just worried now because my friend is still ignoring me ~ but she's like that and if she doesn't call in a few days, I'll call her.