R2G,

My T just took a vacation and now I'm missing another session because of the 4th of July. I had thoughts of cancelling my sessions both before and after the vacation because I couldn't handle the intensity of my feelings. I also had thoughts of totoally avoiding talking about how I was feeling about it all. On top of it, we had a major rupture during and after the last vacation - so it turned out that it was impossible not to talk about it. I was going to avoid talking about this current break but decided to be open and honest about it. I now think being open and honest about it was the best way to go. I'm finding it helpful just to talk about how to cope with the attachment feelings. Does your T take a lot of vacations? Is it an issue you will have to deal with frequently? It's probably better to talk about it out now instead of waiting for her next vacation to roll around but the best time to do it is when you feel ready.

I don't know if this helps but whatever you decide, good luck tomorrow!!

Liese

Well my T knows how much I miss her when she is gone so it's not like I can hide it. The last really long break I was so discombobulated that I forgot to even ask T how her out of country trip was! It took a few sessions to let my guard down. That first session I was just so damn surprised that she actually came back and was alive that it took a while to sink in. At Thanksgiving I can't remember, but I think that first session was hard and then it was okay after that.

I am a little worried about Tuesday because I'm confused by the course of events since Wednesday and we are going to have to talk about it which might go well and might not go well. I'm feeling very distant so I don't expect the session to be all warm and fuzzy tomorrow. I hate the re-entry period. It sucks. What really sucks is how many sessions I have to devote to dealing with T leaving before hand and then usually a few to her returning as well.

Hey R2G,

I know how intimidating and scary it can be, not knowing what's going to happen when you're feeling so much regarding her leaving, but my best sessions are the ones where I just let things happen. Granted, this doesn't happen all that often (more lately, though) but, in the end, it feels good to just be totally honest and open about how I feel, what I'm thinking, etc. As hard as it is, try to let yourself be open with her...she'll be able to handle it, whether it's tears or anger. She might even be expecting anger. Even my T won't be surprised if I'm angry and anger is a big no-no for me! Although I'm not angry so... I'm a little afraid about what I'll say though because the news I saw this morning gave me this really sudden pang of fear and panic that my T is dead. She's probably fine though. Definitely won't be sharing that!

For me, the first sessions after breaks tend to be kind of light. And sometimes it does take me a few sessions to get back into things. Do you find that it helps you to plan what you want to talk about? Sometimes if I feel like there's nothing to discuss I will just stop thinking about it and let things happen, and there's always something to discuss in the end. As in, there's some feeling, memory, etc. that comes up that I want or need to talk about.

I think Ts are probably also used to it taking a few sessions to get back in the swing of things, so I bet your T will completely understand if you are hesitant to open up.

Good luck!

Thanks Liese, STRM, and Kashley (((hugs))) to all of you...

I don't anticipate a rupture, instead I am just hoping that I don't become a compliant blob on the chair, and numb out in the session. Right now, I see myself bursting into tears when she says hi, and being a blubbery mess for much of the session. That could be good as it would really open up the conversation on attachment?!

I really just don't know how to confront this whole attachment piece. I haven't told her how attached I am, and I think that is the big pink elephant in the room. I'm attached. I miss her when she's away. (She doesn't usually travel much, though she will be in and out a few more times this summer for long weekend things - won't interrupt my schedule too badly.)

STRM - re-entry/exit period totally sucks. We spent two whole sessions before she left, preparing, and I'm afraid it's going to be the same thing for re-entry. I wish I had between session communication at times, or even just an email so I could email her ahead of time and spill it all out so when I walk in she's prepared?

Kashley - I'm a non-anger person too, and I'm kinda afraid that I might erupt tomorrow (T would be very pleased if I did, actually) but it would be an irrational eruption as I'm not angry she was gone, she needs breaks so she doesn't burn out. I am angry that I'm so afraid to admit and accept my attachment to her!

I was hoping to not have to write out a note to start the session, but I'm thinking it might be a good idea to have one ready as back-up in case I crash and burn...

Aw R2G...wishing you success. I've kinda missed out lately on many threads here, and I think your break was one of them, I am sorry about that. I hope that you have a connected session IU know how painful the ones that are not feel.

Strm said:

quote:

I'm feeling very distant so I don't expect the session to be all warm and fuzzy tomorrow. I hate the re-entry period. It sucks. What really sucks is how many sessions I have to devote to dealing with T leaving before hand and then usually a few to her returning as well.

I just really realte to that. I remember how bad it used to make me feel, that with my T I needed time to process how bad his lack of availability felt when I could not see him for long periods of time...worse that I could not process those feelings with him due to his not fully accepting my attachment to him. So I strongly encourage you, R2G and STRMS too, to overcome the distant feelings and talk about how bad this break has felt, because you both seem to have T's who accept where you a re at with this stuff...take advantage of that, I would advise! (If you can!)

hugs,

BB

(((R2G))) Both times my T has gone on (brief) vacations, the session back was me being almost completely numb, blank and frozen. It's like whatever disconnection process happened for me to "survive" the break required one session of just sitting and tolerating his presence before I could even reconnect. I'd say, don't pressure yourself and just do whatever comes naturally. I agree that talking openly about the attachment makes things so much easier, though. Then, even when I'm numb, I can explain to him that I had to be that way to deal with him being gone. I'm guessing your T already knows and will be completely accepting about it, whenever you are ready to address the elephant.

I just learned today that my T will be going on vacation in about 3 weeks. Last year she took this same trip, and while gone her assistant called me to tell me that T's cell phone had gotten wet and she wouldn't be able to connect with me. At that time, my attachment to her was just starting to take hold of me and I remember crying about how much I missed her, and feeling so foolish for it.
I realize now, that her phone was probably fine, as when she returned, she stated that it had dried out....ok, sure. Well I get that she deserves a break too, and I just wish she had been more honest with me then. I confronted her about it today, and told her that she didn't need to get her phone "wet" this year, just to tell me not to bother her. She told me she was thankful that I respected her need for time away, and that she would help me develop a plan for while she was gone.
It's still going to be so very hard for me. I'm a daily texter, and I have recently tried to scale back and after about 3 days I had to text that I missed her.
It's very difficult for me, this attachment. I have felt like a freak about it, but it has been so comforting for me to read here that I am not the only one who goes through this. This experience is not something I can share with friends or family, as they truly just don't understand.
I tried to explain it to a few people, and get the same response. "She's a Dr., she doesn't have to tell you anything about her life." "You pay her for a service, not to be your friend." It's just hard, that the people in my life don't understand this. No one in my family has ever been in therapy, at all, and I have had issues since adolescents. Depression, ED, suicide, and the last few years have been just awful for me emotionally. I think my family thinks that I should be over some of these issues by now, at my age. They really don't understand.
My son's father committed suicide 15 years ago, and I lost my husband 2 years ago, in our bed no less! (we were camping in our trailer, so not the home bed thank goodness) None of my siblings has gone through anything remotely like what I have had to deal with.
I've been posting a lot the past few days. I'm terribly lonely, and in a bit of a rough spot right now. I keep sharing more & more of my story, it feels like I need to justify my emptiness, and sadness.
I'm at the point where I am often afraid to let me T know how miserable I am. She tells me the things I need to do to make changes, and I honestly do try. She has the "science" to back everything up, so if I do what she says I should feel better. It just seems that when I do take steps forward, I often get pushed back down by something. I don't feel strong enough yet to handle things the way I should. I've been working with her for a little over a year, and we both know that I have come a long way, yet there are times when I feel like I am back at square one.
This is hard to say, but there are times when I just want her to comfort me. To have her put her arms around me and just tell me, everything is going to be ok. She has told me she is not my "cheerleader" she is my "coach". I get that, but it still sucks.
Please don't get me wrong, she is truly a wonderful woman, and I have learned so much from her. I just feel like I want so much more. She has given above & beyond.....as I don't have insurance, she is very lenient regarding my payments, and has given so much of her time, when not in the office.
I do love her, NOT "in love", which I worry that she thinks.
Uuuughhh! I've rambled on and on here.....being alone....ya know?
Thanks ALL again, and again for giving me this outlet. It does feel good to be able to express this all, to others who understand and empathize.
GG

I had a huge long break from my T. I saw her day before Thanksgiving and I was horribly depressed. We then talked a few times on the phone the next week and then at the end of that week I went in-patient for 12 days. Then it was the holiday and I went outpatient and we couldn't get back on Wednesday afternoon schedule till January. It was so painful at first. Even though I was hospitalized, all I wanted was my T. I did have one phone session with her in the hospital so I could hear her voice. Anyway, the first session back to her, in person, after 6 weeks of not seeing her, was just catch-up. But things never got the same again. (This is one reason a break now seems out of the question, anyway.) I had trouble talking to her (I'm hoping now that I'm off meds I can go back and blame my frozen states on the meds I got on during our 6 week break). I wonder if I went into survival mode and eventually told myself that I just didn't care I wasn't seeing her. I have no idea. My best advice, talk about your feelings, whatever they are, since nothing big happened so you don't have much things to talk about. I'm thinking focus on the relationship with her. I know you say you don't want to tell her you missed her, but I think that might just be the thing to talk about! Try not to avoid it; it won't do you any good.

BB, Yaku, GG, Ninn, thanks for your replies, I really appreciate knowing that I'm not alone in my concerns nor my attachment!

GG - keep posting here, it has been my saving grace while my T has been away! I know it feels strange to me too, missing someone that I pay to have in my life, but it's the reality of the therapeutic relationship I suppose.

My goal tomorrow is to be open and honest. I wrote down on a piece of paper -
"I'm embarrassed by how much I missed you. And I'm ashamed to tell you that."
I hope I can actually say it, but if not, I'll hand her the paper, I think... we'll see...

(((hugs))) to everyone tonight!

R2G,

Good luck tomorrow!

quote:

"I'm embarrassed by how much I missed you. And I'm ashamed to tell you that."

R2G... don't be embarrassed by an honest feeling. My T told me he expects me to miss him while he's on vacation and that it's okay to feel that way.

Today I saw him after the holiday weekend. He was not away but my appointment was pushed back one day. But it was a really hard, painful, agonizing weekend with a lot of bad stuff to it and I really missed my T. He sent me a nice email response on Friday evening that meant a lot to me and helped me through the weekend. So when I saw him today I told him I had to say something... that even though he was on NOT vacation I wanted him to know that I missed him. That I missed him a lot!

He smiled so nicely at me (actually I think he was beaming) and said that is nice to hear, thank you for telling me. I think he was beaming because I worked up the courage to actually SAY what I felt and also that in missing him it showed that my attachment to him was growing and this is what we both have been working TOWARDS. He thinks attachment is good and healthy.

I told him that so many struggle with missing their T's during vacation or even in between sessions and feel afraid to tell their T. I told him I am so lucky that I can say to you "I missed you" and have it be so okay.

Hope it went well for you today in session and that you were able to tell her how you felt.

Thinking of you
TN

Thanks all... I chickend out. I wish I didn't, because as soon as I got into my car and pulled out of the parking lot, I burst into tears, and have not stopped thinking about what I wanted to say since.

Don't get me wrong, it was a very productive session. My T got a message from one of my other doctor's, which meant we had a lot to talk about. And all stuff I wanted to talk about, too.

But now I want to get this off my shoulders. Now.

(((R2G))) I'm sorry that you didn't get to say how you felt about missing your T. I know it is hard to hold onto something that you really felt like you needed to say until the next session. When do you go back?

I go back Thursday... but I really wish I could get up the guts and call to see if she has a cancellation tomorrow. Doubtful, as she's pretty packed just getting back from two weeks away, but... I am overwhelmed holding on to it and am frustrated with myself for chickening out. Argh.

I'm not sure I would look at it as chickening out. It's hard stuff and it is a lot to get into right off of a break. I hope that she has an opening if you call and if not that Thursday comes quickly. (((R2G)))

Thanks STRM... I did leave her a message asking about any openings tomorrow... and now I want to turn my ringer off and go to sleep. I know she's generally got a packed schedule, but considering I've been on the couch crying for the last hour? Yeah, I had to call. Can't believe I actually did, though. And now I'm kinda regretting it, actually.

I hate the complexities of my mind!

R2G,

I think it is good that you called, but I totally get the anxiety of waiting for a call back and also bracing for a possible "no". That is tough. I hope that she calls back soon and does have a session for tomorrow.

It's funny, as soon as I called and left the message, I felt an instant sense of relief, and I really didn't care the outcome. I just needed to verbalize what I needed - which is really rare for me to actually do.

I'm even more thrilled that my T had a session available. Again, a rarity given her summer schedule. I'll take it though. I'm that desperate.

R2G.... good luck tomorrow. Glad you got the session.

My advice... walk in and immediately tell her that you want to tell her something but that you are really scared to say it. And then do your best to just get it out. This way it gives you both enough time to process it if that is necessary and it will save you the agony of thinking about it all session long and then maybe losing your nerve again.

I think you will be pleasantly surprised at her response.

I'll be thinking of you.

TN

Good for you R2G. I think it is great that you called.
I really hope that your session will leave you feeling more stablized and ahppier.more at peace.
Verbalizing a need when not having done that beofre, especailly- is a really big deal...I hope you are real proud, it really is an achievement! Good for you for taking the session!

hugs,

BB

TN has good advice. Another thing that I've been using to help me lately is to remember that I don't need to worry about telling the whole thing all at once. I try to remind myself that I just need to tell the first little bit and then let my T help me clarify, let his welcoming what I have said so far make me feel safer to say more. TN's statement would be a really good way of doing that. Like, sometimes I might only be able to mumble, "It's more attachment stuff." But a start is somewhere to jump off of and often helps take a bite out of the anxiety.

Yay!! Good for you R2G! I'm glad you verbalized your need and it is being met. Good luck tomorrow. I agree with TN's advice and hope you are able to say what you need to say.

((((everyone))))

Thanks for the encouragement. I'm actually terrified of going tomorrow right now, cause this is kind of overwhelming me. But it's meant to be, otherwise she wouldn't have had an appointment slot to offer, right?!

I'm going to do my best to do what you suggested TN - walk right in and start straight away with the fact that I don't want to say this, and I'm afraid to speak it, but I have to. I'm pretty sure she won't be phased at all. She's handled everything I've thrown at her with grace. But it still scares me. Cause it's scary to be heard. :/

I'm pretty sure, too, she knows something is brewing, she knows how much I resist calling and reaching out. So if I did, it's got to be important. Plus, I was crying in my message. Always a dead give-away.

Seriously don't know if I would have been able to call without your encouragement, and the support of everyone here... you are the BEST!

((((((R2G)))))),

Hope it went well.

Liese

Well, it was a very tearful appointment, from the moment I walked in until right before I left. I laid it all out - every embarrassing thought. I can't go into details right now, I've got to process still, but my T rocked it out. She was so incredibly soft and caring... totally normalized, or at least tried to normalize my missing her, my attachment. She actually said "it's ok to miss me."

It's hard for me to accept that, though. She's ok with me being attached to her and missing her, why can't I be ok with it too?

Aw, yay R2G. I'm so happy for you that your T responded SO well to everything you told her. You are so brave for saying everything, and I'm sure she realized it.

((hugs)) Take your time processing it..thanks for keeping us updated.

R2G... I am so happy for you and I just knew your T would rock it. I'm so glad she told you it was okay to miss her. Of course you miss her... that is very healthy and normal for someone we love and care about. It just shows that you have a healthy core (as my T would remind me) and that is a good thing!!

You were very courageous today and took a huge step forward. You should be very proud of yourself!

You will get more and more okay with this as you experience safety and consistency in your relationship with your T. You will find that you don't need to use those old protective defenses with her and that it's okay to be really you with her. Our old attachment injuries will try to warn not to move close to anyone because it's dangerous. As you will see more and more in time... moving closer to your T is not dangerous. She seems solid and consistent with a good understanding of attachment and development needs.

Good for you!
TN

(((R2G))) Awesome. Very proud of you in a totally not-patronizing way. Having the "I miss you" conversation is really hard. I can't wait to hear more once you're able.

(((R2G)))

Good for you!! I'm so glad that you were able to say what you needed to and that your T was so lovely and accepting. That is wonderful to hear. Great work!!

You guys are totally feeding my heart right now - I so needed support and wow... thank YOU!

This week I ended up having 3 appointments, all quite tear-filled, and while I am not afraid to cry in therapy, this many tears is a little unusual for me. It makes things a lot harder too. My T was calm and consistent and soothing like she always is, which once again, left me feeling a little unsettled.

This whole attachment thing is boggling my mind and causing chaos in my heart. I am so fearful that since I'm allowed to be attached to her (her words!) that she is going to turn that around and hurt me. She assured me that she won't, and I do believe her, but it's going to be a lot of reprogramming of old patterns to eliminate the automatic response system that goes to the "attachment=pain" body memory. I was very up front today and actually said that even though she doesn't seem like the person who would do that, and I know she won't, it is still a fear I have to move through.

We spent the entire hour dealing with attachment and neediness and missing people you care about. I definitely missed her, a lot, and I care about her, more than I realized. She was very reassuring and pretty much encouraged my attachment and my feelings. I'm the one who struggled! Today I tried to broach the subject again, but this time in search of what to do when that feeling of "I miss my T right and want her right NOW" comes on, and I don't get to see or talk to her for a few days. I'm lucky that I see her twice a week (usually) so that I don't have to go that long between appointments (generally) but there ARE times when I am struck with such intense emotion and want her voice or presence or something so badly that I don't know what to do. I asked her about that today, but then we ended up on a different (but equally helpful) track, so I do plan on revisiting the topic again soon, but there are some other ugrencies to deal with next week, so it will have to be later rather than sooner.

So my new question for you all... what are some ways you cope with the emotions that come up when you are missing your T? How do you deal with them? I don't have email/text communication with her (and really don't want them either.) But I need to find some way to cope with that intensity that springs up once in a while (maybe 1-2 times a month do I get so desperate that I feel like I need her NOW) so I can not lose an entire morning/afternoon writhing in emotional distress wanting her... Ideas?

quote:

So my new question for you all... what are some ways you cope with the emotions that come up when you are missing your T? How do you deal with them?

R2G,
I read this last night but when I went to answer today, I couldn't track down the post! I finally found it.

That intensity that you are feeling sounds very familiar to me. That urgent sense of "I need her right now or I'm going to die" is one I really used to struggle with. I think that intensity arises for two really good reasons. One if that we are biologically predisposed to seek proximity to our attachment figures. A mammalian infant when separated from their AF (usually their mother or main caregiver) first protests. Think of a baby crying or a puppy whining. If the AF does not return, they become highly agitated and hypervigilant, looking for the return of their AF. Eventually if the separation goes on long enough, they lapse into despair. So the pain and internal agitation you are feeling are a normal, human response to having to be away from your AF.

The second reason is that when you are dealing with attachment injuries, being away from an AF with whom you are trying to form a secure attachment and heal invokes all the old, difficult emotions of not having what you needed when you were a child. No small thing. So I just want to reassure you that you're not crazy for feeling this so intensely, there are good reasons for what you're going through.

As far as getting through, I used a whole range of stuff with differing success at differing times. Sometimes it just came down to gritting my teeth and reminding myself that being needy and in pain would not kill me. I did have the advantage that my T provided contact between sessions by email and phone, so when it got really bad I called him. But the other things that helped for me were journaling, talking with a close friend who got attachment relationships in therapy and posting here.

Journaling was the most effective for me in tracing the feelings back to their origin. Mainly because I didn't filter myself at all when I wrote, so I could see patterns emerging. I have a close friend who is also in therapy and has an attachment to their therapist, so when it got really painful I could call and talk about how I was feeling to someone who understood. And being able to post here where people understood could really help. I also for awhile read obsessively about therapy and attachment because keeping my left brain busy often helped me understand why I had to do the right brain emotional stuff. And, if I am completely honest, when I would read about techniques my T used, it helped me feel closer to him. Last, but not least, I eventually asked him for a blanket from his office (I bought a new one to replace it so I could have his which I had used IN his office during some significant sessions and once borrowed when he was away.) The blanket was a tangible, physical reminder of the connection that I could wrap around me. Of course, my family ended up calling me Linus for a while but I just stuck my tongue out and wrapped the blanket around me closer. I hope some of that can help.

But I do want to be honest, R2G, and tell you that those boundaries and not being able to have them there at any moment, the way a parent would be (or should have been) available is really painful. Oh which brings me to the final way I would cope, which was talk to my T about how it felt to be away from him and want him and not be able to be with him. In the long run, that was a big part of how I healed.

AG

R2G & AG - you both sound like you have wonderfully compassionate T's, I'm actaully feeling a bit jealous here.
I feel all of those same attachment issues, and yet, so much of the time, I feel as though she would rather not have to deal with me. Brush me off like a piece of lint. And maybe this is my own interpretation of her, and I'm seeing it totally wrong, I don't know. Probably not though.
R2G - glad you got to have some great sessions this week, and that your T was open and accepting of your attachment.
GG

R2G,

I want to echo what AG said about the reasons for the intensity of the feelings. She's one smart cookie.

I've been where you are as well and at times that intensity of feeling like I need my T right NOW can actually be physically painful. My heart will literally ache.

I've done a few things to help with those intense moments. For me, it is usually the little parts that have the intense feelings. It often seems that if I let them have a few minutes to do something that helps them feel connected or to even just sit with the feelings that it gets better. We have a little small blankie that we bring to T and because we use it both here and there and T incorporates it at times during sessions it can help to feel connected to her to just hold it. We also have a rock that T gave us to hold onto. We have a recording of her reading a story about how we are always connected to those we care about via an invisible string. We can text her as well and sometimes I will if it gets really bad. Usually it's just as simple as "Need to know you are there" and she texts back "I'm here" and that can help. Sometimes distraction can help as well. Watching a movie or doing an activity that takes my mind off of the longing.

I'm sorry, I know it is a really rough place to be in.

Want to echo AG and STRM here, because they are BOTH smart cookies!

My T also provides between session contact and having learned that I can send a text without crisis just to connect and prevent a disconnection panic crisis from occurring has been really helpful.

As AG said, journaling the feelings that come up and associated memories (origins, etc.) can be really helpful if you have time for it.

And like STRM, my little parts can be comforted by certain things that remind me of T, like Wolfie (who he has pet the last two sessions) and the big monkey that was bought, because T likes monkeys and it reminds little ones of him. Distraction is great too and if you can combine distraction with something that will improve your mood, if you can possibly get yourself to do it (sometimes it's just not possible), will work. Like, I HATE doing dishes, but having a clean kitchen improves my mood about 10x. Or, sometimes it feels like so much to go out on a long walk or take Boo out on her bike or to the park for a couple of hours, but that can really help. If Boo weren't in the picture, sitting somewhere peaceful outside and reading a book would be perfect.

Then, if it comes down to it, sometimes it is just a matter of reminding myself that my countdown isn't that long. It would help a lot if I knew my office sessions ahead of time, but I often don't know until a day or two before, but I can tell myself today, for example, that the latest I will see my T is in four days and then remind myself that I have other activities (playing drums in church, dinner with friends, etc.) to keep myself busy in the meantime.

I don't know if any of that helps as I am just copycat-ing the people above.

Thanks for the replies everyone, I'm really struggling with this whole concept of being ok with being attached to my T.

AG - this attachment injury concept is intriguing. I've recently learned about some "interesting" things from my infancy, and this attachment stuff makes a little more sense with that new knowledge.

STRM - While T was away this time, she gave me a little thing from her desk to hold onto for the two weeks. that was a HUGE help, but was a circumstantial thing. I should be able to make it the 3-4 days between sessions that I have on a regular basis...

Yaku - I totally try to keep busy between sessions, to the point where I am making a big effort to make sure I have at least one thing scheduled every day. It definitely helps, but again, sometimes it isn't enough!

I am an avid journaler, and try to spend a few minutes every day jotting down notes and reflections from my day. Funny thing is, when I'm really stressed and anxious, I tend to avoid journaling because it is too overwhelming for me. I'm getting better, though. I actually have a good friend who saw the same T as I do, and still checks in with her occasionally, so it has been helpful talking to her, but sometimes, a conversation with a friend isn't enough. I am in the process of the obsessive reading of therapy related texts right now Learning a lot!

I am allowed to call my T and leave her a message any time I want to, and she only calls back if I ask her to, but I am so resistant to doing so, I'd feel ridiculous leaving a message that says "I'm having a rough go of it right now and just wanted to tell you." or "I just wanted to hear your voice because I miss you right now." I know I could, but I can't let myself do that. Again, she's ok with it, I'm not!

I actually brought this exact thing up in my last session, but my T picked up on something else in the conversation, so we didn't talk about it. It's my plan to bring it up again in my next session, but I also have something more pressing to discuss then.

Interestingly, last week I had 3 appointments right in a row (Tu/W/Th), and so far, this has been the calmest weekend I've ever had. Anxiety is down, emotions are calm, all is good. I think it is connected to the fact that while the appointments were intense and teary, the work was fulfilling. I'm hoping I have enough courage to ask for that extra appointment every week for the rest of the summer. It's not possible to do that during the school year, but hey, it's summer, might as well take advantage, right? (Then again, I'm afraid she'll say it's not a good idea...?)

Sorry, I know this was all over the board, but I really do appreciate your ideas! I have to figure something out!

quote:

I am allowed to call my T and leave her a message any time I want to, and she only calls back if I ask her to, but I am so resistant to doing so, I'd feel ridiculous leaving a message that says "I'm having a rough go of it right now and just wanted to tell you." or "I just wanted to hear your voice because I miss you right now." I know I could, but I can't let myself do that. Again, she's ok with it, I'm not!

R2G,
I can seriously relate to what you said here. My T worked really hard to convince me it was ok to call, even if I just wanted connection. There was a long period in our work, as in about two years, where he told me at the end of EVERY session and EVERY phone call and EVERY email to feel free to call or email again if I needed to. That includes when I emailed or called him when he was on vacation.

His take on the necessity of contact was two fold. One was that you never knew when the need for your AF would rise up, so that he made himself accessible so that when it happened I COULD reach out to him. (I do want to mention that although he provided 24/7 access, he had a robust system set up with an answering service so that he controlled when he called back, and he was also very comfortable at making a quick call and setting up a time if we needed longer. I once thanked him for not having a personal life, and he laughed and just told me that he was very comfortable setting his boundaries.)

The other part was that I had serious difficulties in asking for what I needed. Seriously, it was like I needed remedial courses in doing so. So my T told me on a number of occasions that it was actually theraputic for me to reach out to him in between sessions. I no longer see him regularly but I can still call or email at any time. Which I do fairly regularly (although full disclosure, I cannot bring myself to contact him outside office hours since I'm not seeing him regularly, but as you said above, my problem not his.)

I felt really stupid for the same reason, I told him that I would feel silly leaving a message that I had an "emergency" (code for call me back soon) and when he called back and said "Hi" I'd say, thanks that's it. He said he understood that, but I needed to understand that he understood what was going on for me and why I would need that, so it was ok. Once I actually believed him, most of my phone calls landed in the 1-2 min range. I called him yesterday and I kid you not, it was a 39 second phone call. Here's how it went.

Me: Hi T, thanks for calling back.

T: Hi AG, what's up? (standard opening)

Me: I just really missed you and needed to connect and hear your voice. Your response to my email earlier this week made it feel safe, so I called.

T: I totally understand and I'm glad you called.

Me: Thanks, that's really it, I just needed to experience you being there and hearing you.

T: Good, take care.

Me: Take care.

Hang up.

I know it's uncomfortable and scary but I really urge you to try and do it. Every time you call and get met with a caring, gentle response makes a scintilla easier to call next time. We have such embarrassment and shame about our needs and the only way to make shame go away is to walk through it.

And, btw, referring to LG's thread, you do sound like an awesome teacher and it meant SO much to hear how it is from your side of things. It helped me see what my leaving might have been like for my T and was a great comfort, thank you.



AG

quote:

Interestingly, last week I had 3 appointments right in a row (Tu/W/Th), and so far, this has been the calmest weekend I've ever had. Anxiety is down, emotions are calm, all is good. I think it is connected to the fact that while the appointments were intense and teary, the work was fulfilling.

Hi R2G... this makes total sense to me, especially as I have experienced the same thing. Having those 3 appointments (one which you requested as extra... and example of expressing your needs and having them met by your T) left you feeling much more secure and attuned with your T. And having gone through so much pain with her there beside you and witnessing it and hearing you made that connection feel stronger. The more secure you feel in the relationship the more able you are to internalize your T and the easier it gets to be without her there.

Instead of spending time feeling anxiety ridden because you are worried about what you are feeling for her, what she is feeling for you, if this is all okay, if you need to cover it up or hide it, you are discussing your feelings and acknowledging them. The fact that she understands the need for attachment and is really okay with it makes a huge difference in regulation of your emotions. It's the mysterious (brain based) limbic resonance or attunement we feel with our attachment figures that works to calm our nervous systems.

So... how you are feeling today is a very good sign that things are working the way they should in your therapy.

As for how I get through the time w/o T... well, like you I have 2 sessions a week - Monday and Thursday. I spent the time in between journaling, keeping busy and reading about therapy. But I also, espeically lately, feel my T with me when I leave him. I can remember his laugh when I said something funny or his smile when I gave him a good answer or his handshake or his pat on my arm. All of this makes me feel warm and connected to him and it helps. I also have the pen he gave me as a transitional object. In addition, I am able to email him in between sessions and I usually do that once per week and I can page him if anything urgent comes up. This is a huge thing for me as I'm working through abandonment by a former T and there are times when the trauma hits me and I need my T to settle me down.

I'm glad to hear things are going so well for you. Keep up the great work.

TN

quote:

The other part was that I had serious difficulties in asking for what I needed. Seriously, it was like I needed remedial courses in doing so.

I so can not ask for what I need. At all. And it infuriates me! I mean, I know what to do, I just can't do it!! It hasn't gotten better since my T gave me permission to need her and call and so on, it seems instead like it's gotten worse. I'm sure it's part of the process, but it is a tough thing for me to handle.

I've been trying to stay off of the interwebs so I stay a little more focused on myself. While that is a little helpful, it is really isolating. I hope that I push myself to the point where I DO get so fed up that I reach out and call my T for a conversation exactly like you posted. I got kind of close this week, actually, but couldn't let myself make the call. I've been uber busy this week, so that has been helpful in distracting me from me.

quote:

left you feeling much more secure and attuned with your T. And having gone through so much pain with her there beside you and witnessing it and hearing you made that connection feel stronger. The more secure you feel in the relationship the more able you are to internalize your T and the easier it gets to be without her there.

TN, my T and I actually discussed last week. It made me feel even more needy, knowing that she'd be there when I need her...

This week was rough, but like I said, I was really busy, so things didn't really hit me until after dinner when I was alone. I'm trying to take care of myself a little more, and do things just for me - even if that means sitting on the couch and doing nothing, and not beating myself up for that.

Sigh... I do love summer, but I love what the structure of school and teaching does for me... I wish summer was school for 3 days, from like 10am - 2pm, Tu/W/Th... that would be perfect for me! Just enough teaching and kids to keep me "full" and plenty of free time to enjoy summer!