I addressed some administrative issues:
* Found out T did follow up with insurance last week, but they said to call back in at least a week as they hadn't put his info in the system yet.
* I asked if he had contacted my pastor and told him that I just want to be kept in the loop if that happens. He hasn't yet, but was thinking of doing so for my H's business trips, to make sure I have support in place.
* I asked about him faxing my psychiatrist (they gave me the number in case he wants to) before my first appointment and said I don't care if he does, but want to know if it happens. He said he will evaluate whether he thinks it will be helpful and let me know.
Boundaries stuff:
* I told him that I understood his talking to my H about my treatment while H was out of town was about reassuring my H, but that if they were going to talk about anything other than how H feels about stuff (i.e. discuss my stuff or my treatment), I absolutely need to be involved and we can set a joint session for that. He said that it definitely was about reassuring my H and he thinks a joint session would be a good idea. I clarified what my H had told me regarding his worries vs. what he told T and it turns out it wasn't the same thing, so that makes me think we definitely need a joint session soon if finances work out. He asked about me having someone stay with me while H is out of town, but I explained how my own issues with caretaking others needs and feelings would actually make that harder than just managing my own stuff.
* I told him this caretaker was unclear on who is actually responsible for the boundaries. He said he was. I let him know she feels like she can't trust him with them, especially around time management, so she's been doing that job and not allowing connection and processing as a result, because she's afraid that he'll get run over and become roadkill for the kids. If that happened, the boundaries might have to shift suddenly, which could be very destabilizing. He said I wouldn't like his answer, but if he's honest with himself, he is potential roadkill, but is really relying on God. I told him he needs to be "mean" and he corrected it to "firm." Basically, for connection to be allowed and for honest reporting of distress at the end of sessions, he needs to be more "in charge" of ending things and leave less to me, as I am so accustomed to taking care of others that I can't relax unless I specifically heard from him that he is doing his best to be conscientiously managing his own boundaries, especially regarding time. I told him he can't keep asking me about leaving or saying, "Well..." and waiting for me to take myself out of there, because he is setting me up for managing some nasty internal conflict between distressed kids and protective "parents." He said he had a lightbulb moment around this. So, now it feels much safer to share with him when stuff comes up at the end of the session, since we have explicitly discussed his role in wrapping things up if he really can't stay.
* We followed up on the physical contact stuff and how his conversation went with H and he said basically what I thought and also that it was important to him that no matter what happens that H is informed of where that stuff is at and that is important to him both professionally and personally (as it is to me), even though H says he could give a... So, now I feel like the kids and teens might be allowed to ask him to sit side by side or maybe for a hug. We'll see.
At the end of the session, he accidentally triggered some stuff for me making me distressed and I let him know and he asked if I wanted to talk about it and I said it would probably take some time and he said we should wait, because he did have to go. I was strangely proud of him.
I feel...I don't know...powerful right now. It's not only that I took charge of getting all these important things squared away. It's that I was able to confront something that I knew would be very uncomfortable for both my T and I to discuss, but was absolutely necessary. It was a conversation that took a lot of effort on both of our parts. I'm sure it was hard for him to confess that he was potential roadkill and to realize he has to make some intentional effort in that area, be firmer and more direct than he is by nature, for my good as his client. And it was especially hard for me to ask him to do it, because I know that means that some times where I might otherwise get extra time that I really WANT, he is now more likely to be vigilant about the boundaries. I know that is healthy for me, because it won't get to the point where he is getting worn out or taken advantage of and hence avoid having to make abrupt changes or withdrawals that might cause internal chaos. I took care of me, reassured myself that T will take care of himself, and even though it makes me sad I may lose something that I liked receiving, I feel proud of myself for it.
Way to take the bull by the horns!
