Where oh where did my courage and fearlessness go? My head is a huge mass of confusion and fear. I have been trying to write down the stuff I want to say to my T, and now it all keeps changing. It has gone from wanting to tell it all in a very organized and detailed manner, to wanting to hide some things that are too scary because of her possible reactions (the internet searching stuff), to instead asking her questions that are kind of accusatory about the way she has treated my issues, questions and revelations of things. And I don't even have two whole days left to get this all straightened out!!! AAGGGGHHH!!!
Until today, I had only felt the tiniest bit of upset towards her, but now I am feeling angry at her. I feel like part of why she has reacted negatively is because she is uncomfortable about my transference with her. And it's not even sexual!! She hasn't even asked me what it's about, and we're going on 3 1/2 months now since I told her. I feel like she's avoiding it altogether and I am finally getting angry about it, and I feel like a lot of precious time has been wasted by her not dealing with my feelings. I have this feeling I'm going to be crying in the office Friday morning while I'm in the waiting area and when she opens the door she'll call me back and as we start down the hallway to her office she'll put her arm around me to try to comfort me and I'll shrug it off and tell her to get her arm off me. I'm so confused that I'm feeling angry at her now, when all along all I've felt are positive feelings for her and worry that if I bring this stuff up it's going to drive her away and she might terminate me and I'll lose her. Now I'm at the point suddenly where I almost don't care. I think it's terrible when a T has their own issues and that those issues, whatever they are, come between a patient and their healing. I have abandonment issues, trust issues, and attachment issues (which she is aware of), and when I told this woman on the phone that I was attached to her, I was reaching out for support in a state of absolute fear and panic. All she said to me was, "Hmmm..." and made me an appointment for 3 weeks out. I didn't even want an appointment. She abandoned me (but claims she didn't want me to become too dependent on her), and it's taken me 3 1/2 months to finally be angry about it. Where have "I" been all this time? I have been "protecting" my T!!!!
Now I don't know what to do. I have all these conflicting feelings. One minute I love this woman, the next I dislike her a LOT!! I want her to know how much she has hurt me through her lack of help and support, and through her abandonment and her "back-off" reactions when I have needed her support the most, but at the same time I don't want to damage our relationship because I care a lot about her and she just lost her mother last month. I feel so lost and confused, and I don't know how to pull myself together so I can make this work for myself on Friday. I am so sure I'm going to have a panic attack on the way to her office. And now I don't even think I can bear to tell her about the internet searching stuff. I can seriously see the horror on her face. Oh, the shame!! I hate this stupid crap. Some days I wish I had never jumped into this therapy trap. It's sometimes more pain than I feel I can bear.
Help...MTF
I can see that you are pushing yourself hard and really trying to do your part to make your therapy successful. You should give yourself a little more credit! I'm sending that pat on the back your way that you deserve! 
I hope you can be honest with your T like you are here, but even if you can't open up to her on Friday, it won't be your last opportunity to do so (although you might be prolonging some of your pain - something I am good at myself).
) Thanks for the words of wisdom.