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4 replies

T cancelled. Kill me.

dontgiveuponmedontgiveuponmeMember
My T let me know she cancelled, and I thought I was fine..I was like..Okay no problem, and sent her a nice formal email back letting her know when I was available next.


Next thing I know, Im in the corner of my room sucking my thumb and crying babbling who knows what.. and then I snapped out of it...but I still felt this horrible feeling, and I had to start sobbing.....I felt like I was laying on a bed of thorns...this horrible desperate feeling of being completely isolated and hurt.


I dont understand why I had such a strong reaction, or why I ended up that way..it was really scary. My mother used to leave me and I never knew when she was coming back....as a result I was often alone, wandering around in the street or in other peoples houses..when she did get home..she never even asked where I was (I wasnt even 10 years old yet)...

and I felt that way...I felt like I had no refuge...I feel like trash...I feel like people can choose to throw me away whenever they want...
Its not so much I dont want my T to have a day off...but I keep feeling that she hates me, that im too much..im just too much crap for her....and she wants me to go away....that she dreads to see me going to her office..she just dreads seeing my face....


I just feel like I should have been thrown out a window when my parents had the chance....
Ide rather be a childs face on a news reporting my death...that be alive and feel like Ill never know what its like to feel like im cared for and have my needs met as a kid.
So now I am spontaneously finding myself in corners...and at friends houses...my friend told me I suddenlys started talking like a little kid and ...


All I can think is...Im never gonna be normal.
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B bltMember
(((DGUOM)))

Your reactions are normal for someone who has as much abandonment-related trauma as you do. It's painful, awful, and completely unfair, but it is possible to recover from it.

Is there any way you can contact your T and let her know how you're feeling? She can't help you if she doesn't know what's going on.

You're not trash and you never were!
pinglespinglesMember
Hi DGUOM
Just want you to know that you are not alone in this...I react badly when T cancelled or even goes away on holidays because of abandonment/trauma stuff too...and what you are feeling is perfectly OK to feel and normal...I had a similar reaction just a few weeks ago when T cancelled on me for the first time in 16 months...you can work through this, T and I did it took a bit of work but we got there

Can you send your T an email like the others have suggested saying you need to get back into it..let T know you are bothered by this if you can..

Take care DGUOM
strummergirlstrummergirlMember
((((((((((DGUOM))))))))))

I'm sorry your T's cancelling hurts so much. It's really understandable, knowing how abandoned you have been. I am so sorry you were treated so horribly as a child, never given that safe haven you were supposed to have had. What a frightening way to live as a child. Frowner You shouldn't have been treated like "trash". On the contrary, you should have been cared for like the treasure that you are, and had your needs met, and been made to feel safe and secure.

How long have you been with your T? I hope that you can find some healing in your therapy with her. Did she get back to tell you when she can see you next? I am sorry that it is feeling right now like she hates you or that you are too much. I hope you can discuss this with her and hear from her that she does not feel this way, that these are the old messages from your childhood, and that you can start to learn those new messages that you need to learn from your T. Good luck, I will be thinking of you!

Hugs, Smiler
SG
dontgiveuponmedontgiveuponmeMember
Thank you so very much all for your supportive responses.. Honestly I dont even remember how the next session went, or what happened or why or when I was feeling this way.
Its all very confusing to me.
But at this time, I am very grateful I have your responses to look to, whenever I am feeling this way again.
I know my T cares, and thats probably comforting and equally horrifying to me, because Im not sure what "caring" means. But I suppose im learning, through this forum and through T...
Your responses helped me so much ...Thank you so very very much.

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