Frog,

I can see what your dilemma is. I wouldn't want to begin a T break on bad terms, so I totally understand your desire to not go into those feelings. I can also see how it feels as though there really isn't a point in discussing how you feel because T is still going to go on vacation when all is said and done.

What if you wrote him a letter tonight that you continue to edit over the next few days before sending it to him. Keep editing it and removing things that are redundant until you get it to a point where all that is left are the most important few key points that you feel are the most critical things you want to express. You can give him the letter or perhaps read it to him. You could even say to T that you only want to spend 5 minutes discussing the topic, tell him how you are feeling, limit it to that time frame, then move on to another topic that you feel more comfortable ending with before you say goodbye for the vacation.

Good luck.

Hi Frog, good to see you, but sorry you are struggling. This brings back memories of last December when my oldT surprised me a week before he left for 10 days of vacation. I had no idea he was taking time off.

Well, anyway, I had a session with him the day before he left town and when I walked in I was so terrified that we would end the session on a bad note as I knew I felt angry with him for leaving me and the thought of not seeing him for 10 days and being upset with him all that time sort of had me frozen. My T noticed this right away and smiled at me (his smile would always melt me) and said "you looked all clamped down" as in closed and shut down. And I said yes I'm afraid to say anything because we will end on a bad note and I can't survive like that for 10 days. He said he would make sure we did not end on a bad note. And he did.

We had, what I felt was, a very good session with a lot of discussion about vacation and how I felt and he told me I could email him if I needed him. But he really worked that session to be sure we finished up on a happy note so it was worth it to be honest and open about what was worrying me and although the break was difficult (and I did email him once) it was much better than I thought it would be.

I think by talking it through with your T he can maybe offer you some coping skills to use or a transitional object to hold onto to ease the separation. And by facing what this means you will at some point learn how to leave people in a positive way and feel secure that they will return and things will be fine. That you can do this on your own for a little bit without your T. I know it's so scary and difficult and especially around the holidays. I was miserable last Christmas because of that 10 day break and then in August I lost him forever. No coming back after vacation. He truly left me and rejected me and now when I look back I wish I only had 10 days or 3 weeks to wait.

If you look back on the threads you will see a lot of holiday threads where people got good support while T was gone. Just remember, we are all here for you to support you and you can test out the new coping skills you are learning in therapy.

In the meanwhile... big hugs to you and good luck in your session. I hope your T can ease your worries and anxiety a little. Let us know how it goes.

TN

I`m on my way to my session now, i just woke up and saw your replies- (((jandoe, LadyGrey and TN))) thanks. I`ll be back and reply when the session is over. in the meantime, just letting you know i read your poster and thanking you.

Janedoe- thanks so much for understanding and for for tat long and lovley reply! It turned out, that you had right about T being able to help a bit only by listening. I dont know why i thought it wouldnt help yesterday.. i am also glad i decided, to bring it up today. Both writing the poster and reading your reply, made me realize i actually did want to bring it up..Thanks for making that clearer for me. And i am so glad you had right- that sometimes the validating itself is helping alot. I am sorry though- that you also struggle with this upcomming vacation. Hope you?ll manage to use your own advices and talk to your T about the hard stuff.. Lol- i feel like a living proof right now, that TALKING HELPS! Let us know how you cope?

LadyGrey: its so nice getting to know you- thanks for offoring your support. Lol, yes- T is still going on vacation, thats really nothing that can be "fixed".. Oh- your suggestion about writing a letter is very "my style"- i usually do that if there`s things i really cant make myself say. I definitly gonna need to wirte a letter again soon- hopefully after christmas though.. I really appreaciated your suggestion- and lol- it feels like you know me, when saying i should write a letter and keep editing and remove things that are redundant until i am left wiht the most important key points.. since i ALWAYS change opoinion and feelings 20 times during a day, that is the only way to do it! I am glad though, i didnt have to wirte the letter, because i did manage to express one of those "key points" in session today... Thanks again for your kind advice!

True North- your replyes are always so helpful- i know you understand so much about longing for/thinking about T all the time,- so i value your inputs really much. Thanks for sharing from your experience with me. And thanks for saying its good to see me here again! I dont feel i deserve getting support here now, since i havent offored any help at all to all those of you whom struggle here lateley...so, thanks for being so generous TN! i really relate to the way you described the session with your old T, when you were so scared you ended up totally "frozen". Thats my number 1 mechanism usually when i am too scared! Its a good example that even though you frozen up and was so scared- your T picked it up and understood he had to make sure the session ended good..- and i am SO GLAD that happened with my T today as well. He picked up that i was anxious (well, that one wasnt so hard to see i guess..lol) I am glad i ended up talking honestly with T about this today, and i wouldnt managed, if T didnt first understood what was going on with me. i didnt got any advice about coping skills though, but i didnt ask for it either. The whole session ended up in a VERY DIFFERENT note, than i had expected! thanks again for your support- i am trying to clingue to what you said (your quote)
"you will at some point learn how to leave people in a positive way and feel secure that they will return and things will be fine" . yes. Thats it. Thats my goal and my hope this time!

I`ll update about how the session went in another poster, thanks again folks!

Okey, i`d like to vent a bit about todays session. I am ok, but what T said does concerns me and confuses me today.

So, this is basically how the session went today..not the way i expected though..
- the session was a true relief, because i starded with the vacation stuff...well, correction: T did it FOR ME. I was so anxous when i arrived, i was totally restless and my heart beated so fast, -so T adressed it pretty quickly, - and connected my anxousness to the upcomming vacation, and he`s "leaving". I am thankful for that. I told T i was going to think about him all the time, and that it made me sad, and felt left alone and that i wondered if he really cares at all. I even said that one part of me KNOWS he cares alot, yet that it seems like he doesnt want me to know about it. T kept digging for all the resons i would think that, - so that became the main topic today- not the vacation itself. In that way, the vacation stuff really opened up some "doors" into deeper topics..Anywat: After i had expressed some of the frustrations, He basically told me, i had every right to be both angry at him, frustraited and upset about him (for not giving enough reassuranse/love etc.)
then he told me (what the heck does it mean?) "ITS MAYBE EVEN NESSISSARY FOR YOU TO BE ANGRY AT ME AND DISSAPOINTED WITH ME.."

!????

okey..? What does that mean? we had to end the session, so he kind of left me with those words... i DONT WANNA ACCEPT THAT I SHALL BE DISAPOINTED AND UPSET ABOUT HIM! And i dont understand why T thinks its good that i am being upset/angry at him??! why would he encourage me to feel that?? Have your T`S ever suggested something similar?

Frog,

I think what your T is saying is that its normal to be upset when someone you care about isn't going to be around. That is is healthy to have those feelings. Have there been times in your life when you have felt abandoned by people you were relying on, but didn't allow yourself to feel sad over it? Perhaps you even internalized it and blamed yourself? Well, T is saying that it is healthy to be angry with the people who are not there for you. It is healthy for you to acknowledge that you are feeling let down, abandoned, uncared for. Anger is not a bad emotion. Acting on it is the bad part, but to have the anger can be healthy. Feel it, talk about it, and then let it go. It's a healthy process! (easier said than done!)

Hi Frog... well I can think of a few things. One.. that he wants you to recognize that he is not perfect and you should not idealize him too much. That there will be times he will make you angry and upset or do things that make you feel unloved or unwanted, even if that is NOT true at all. Two... that you CAN get angry and upset at someone you really care for and the relationship can survive it. That you will see that the relationship can withstand the anger and disappointment and still be solid and thriving. And that it's SAFE to get angry at him. Three... that your anger at him is real but could also be anger at what he represents.... caregivers?? Parents??? Maybe he is hoping that some anger at him will awaken the real anger you have buried inside of you (I'm not saying you have buried anger but he may think so) and that you will be able through this experience to get in touch with the anger and direct it at those who you are REALLY angry at for hurting you in some way.

Those are just some of my thoughts on this. I'm glad he took your feelings seriously and spent the hour productively digging into deeper issues with you.

I know it's hard for you to be without him Froggie over the holidays but we are here for you so please come and tell us how you are doing. Do your own support thread as STRM does and write in your journal each day so you can share it with T when he comes back.

Hugs to you
TN

Froggy

I am so glad that T was able to second guess what you wanted to say and say it for you, that he really gets how you might be feeling is really reassuring. I think he is right in a way in what he said... that he is indeed a safe person to be both angry and disappointed with, and that he is only human with human frailties like us all.

I think my T would secretly jump for joy if I were to get really mad at her ...or even a tincy bit mad occasionally would be cause for celebration. She knows that she could handle it, but could also help me work through the expressing of difficult emotions at the same time. Maybe that's what he's looking for you to do with him, safely in the therapy setting?

Difficult dear froggy, especially now that you have a break coming up too, take good care of you,

starfishy

...gosh i am SO STUPID.. i started to cry a bit (only a bit, lol) when i read your posters LadyGrey and True North- how come i have never really realized that it is OK TO BE ANGRY AT T before??? not REALLY, i mean.....i *thought* i knew about it, because i have read it over and over agian, a hundered times, but i think i just now really realized that i HAVE THE RIGHT to feel what i do...

LadyGrey: No, as far as i know i havent felt abondoned by anyone before..but heck..what do i know..maybe i did, but as you said, i might have internalized it and never thought i had the right to be angry... thanks for asking and for being here and for telling me its also healthy..i have tended to think that i am being a very bad person for getting upset/angry at T *only* for taking the vacation he deserves...

NT, basically, everything you wrote fit with me. And somehow, its SO GOOD to read -because- finally i start to understand wll this stuff about anger and how it can be healthy. Wow- you really are good at this stuff TN.. I think every point you made can fit with me. I DO idealize T alot, so it does make a lot of sense, that he would want me to recognize that he`s not perfect.. lol, its also true that there are times i really feel unwanted and unloved (hence to why i keep longing for his love). two- that i CAN be angry at him and the relationship can survive it..oh- that makes me remember some stuff Ts been talking about sometimes (that i never undersood) he mentioned something about me being scared of my own anger (ans his)- because i think it will destroy all the good stuff... well, i am starting to understand thats not true..IT IS SAFE to express this anger.. hmm..okey, i know i am only repeating your words, but this is really striking news for me..i know i am realizing things probably EVERYONE else here on forum have known for decades -lol-. You are being so nice to me, when suggesting i could start a new thread about the vacation, i dont think i dare to do that, and since i tend to withdraw and isolate BIG TIME when missing T, i dont think i even gonna manage to update it anyway.. but thanks for the suggestion! You are being so nice to me TN.

...so, does this all mean that i actually can and SHOULD (like T said) get angry at T for leaving me, because it makes me feel z and x and thats enough? I donet need any other reason? so, tomorrows session, i can even keep expressing angry/hurtful stuff, and it will even be a good thing???

T said today also, that it was impossible not feeling upset and dissapointed about sertain things in therapy. -Like in life, he said. I asked him "..but sometimes it feels like you deliberatly try to provoke those feelings in me, making me frustraited..(..) planting all those deep wishes in me (referring to wanting love/reassurance etc.) that you wont even met.. why would you do that?"
..well, actually, i dont even remember what T answered.. ok, enough rambling!

(sorry for being such a therapy-retard, asking all these question..i really am surprised to realize i obviosly havent understood this before!)

EDIT: Dear Starfishy- we cross-posted, didnt meant to ingore you- Thanks alot for your kind words.. Lol- yeah- i hope too, that T would celebrate a bit if i jumped in ager in there with him.. yet, i am too scared to go that far.. venting some anger, step by step, is the only way i can allow myself at this point. (((Starfishy)))

ooops cross posted, sorry

I am so impressed
Your T is well aware of the issues of what it may feel like for you - him being away. My goodness - how helpful he is being.
I am so glad for you that he understands. Such a contrast to the T I saw on Monday when I said : "you have not even asked how I will handle a three week break" and she just look puzzled and said 'It is Christmas, you will be with your family - you will be having a nice time and anyway, most therapists have two weeks off over Christmas"
Not a really empathetic responce I felt.
Your T is good
I hope your break from him goes okay with you, and post here if it gets hard as we will be supportive to you.

I know exactly what you mean Frog. My P is having two weeks off and during that time we are going away for five days. Holidays are not the best of times for me - lots of homesickness issues tied up there - I hate it when he is away even though he has relief staff it isn't the same as talking to him.

Sadly- its so nice to met you- thanks you for "crediting" my T. Yes, he really says the right things these days. Oh- i am sorry your T replie came out like that- no wnder why you felt ignored.. Lol i am not impressed with MY way though, turned out i dint manage to connect at all with any anry feelings in todays session..

Deepfried- hi there! Yes, thats my "favourite" too- that T trying to show me that being angry is really ok, even morover- healthy (TN pointed out this to me!) and that the relationshop can take it all. Uhm..yeah..the breake is hard, but i also feel very strong in a way- i know its not gonna kill me..its really not that bad as before summer -vacation..*only* 17 days. start the COUNT DOWN!

Halo- thanks! sorry you are struggling with vacation too, yes the homsickness i can relate too. Its wierd actually, i always misses T mostly when i am home with my family.. i dont know why that is. oh- of course its not the same talking to a relief staff.. i get that. T´s tends be inplaceable(?) dont they..

BTW:

todays session left me feeling the OPOSITE of angry. Just warm anf fuzzy in a rare mix with sadness. Ugh..and one amberassing part (but nice though) happened just before we had to stop. We were talking about therpy in general and about what i feel toward him, my anger etc. I told T, that even though i did feel dissapointed, i was still feeling thankful. And even though i was dreading the vaction, one part of me also looked forwared to it. And then i mumbling/stotring(?) saying..: "and even though i am angry at you for all this..i still feel..uhm..i dunno..hum- the oposite?.." T replied (and finished my thought): "..that you..love me...? "Uhm..yeah.." *FLUSH*

lol.

Oh Frog, how nice to be left with the warm fuzzies while T goes on his vacation. It is so wonderful to be so understood by your T and that he acknowledged your feelings out loud to you and seems just fine with it!

I know you have a long break but keeping remembering this session and what he said to you and hold it close. It will keep you warm. I'm so glad you opened up so much to him about your anger, your feelings of abandonment and how you were going to miss him. That is a huge step. Glad it worked out so well.

Oh and Frog... maybe T did sort of "fix it"

Hugs
TN

Frog,
Sorry I'm so late to this thread, but I wanted to say that I am so glad that you were so brave and spoke to your T about how you were feeling and that he was able to understand, accept and affirm you're feelings. I don't think getting what we want is the important part (or why would we ever say no to our children, which any parent knows you have to sometimes); the important part is that we know we matter enough to have someone hear how we feel and that they will work to understand it. You handled this awesomely. And it's ok to say "I love you" to your T. It's how you feel. And if you'll feel any less embarrassed, I told my T that on a number of occasions. On the other hand, I also once emailed him on vacation to tell him I hated him for taking one and hated his family for being with him. So you're not alone in ALL your feelings.

AG

Frog,

So sorry I haven't replied sooner. You've had some really good and helpful replies here. I'm glad you were able to talk with your T about the vacation and that your last session left you feeling so warm and fuzzy. That is so important going into the break. Please know that we will be here during the break and hope that it doesn't feel too long or unbearable.

Very well done and brave of you!