post deleted by Flicka.
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Hi Flicka....
Congrats on your first post and welcome to the forum!
Some T's don't deal with transference/counter-transference issues very well. Some don't deal with them at all. Some react quite strongly to the terminology, as if we are not "supposed" to know any of it, or that it is some "secret magic trick" and they are the only ones that are allowed to know about it.
I don't know how long you have been in therapy...but going on what you have described I think it would be wise to take it slowly and see where you get. An erotic transference may be only a small part of what you are feeling. It is usually the first one that most people identify....and for some therapists (that can't handle it) it may be reason to refer you to someone else.
I do not say this to frighten you...only to make you aware that this is sometimes true. It depends on how your T works....or is able to work on his own "stuff".
Hang in there...I'm sure you will get more, and likely, better responses than I can give you. Read Attachment Girls posts...she is pretty good with this topic.
SD
Congrats on your first post and welcome to the forum!
Some T's don't deal with transference/counter-transference issues very well. Some don't deal with them at all. Some react quite strongly to the terminology, as if we are not "supposed" to know any of it, or that it is some "secret magic trick" and they are the only ones that are allowed to know about it.
I don't know how long you have been in therapy...but going on what you have described I think it would be wise to take it slowly and see where you get. An erotic transference may be only a small part of what you are feeling. It is usually the first one that most people identify....and for some therapists (that can't handle it) it may be reason to refer you to someone else.
I do not say this to frighten you...only to make you aware that this is sometimes true. It depends on how your T works....or is able to work on his own "stuff".
Hang in there...I'm sure you will get more, and likely, better responses than I can give you. Read Attachment Girls posts...she is pretty good with this topic.
SD
Hi Flicka 
Welcome to the forum!
SD - This was my P exactly. She wanted to know right away where I came up with the term 'transference' and she was a little annoyed that I'm not trusting her to help me, by trying to help myself.
Flicka, my telling my P about my feelings for her didn't go very well in my opinion and I've been afraid to delve into it further with her for fear of rejection as well as feeling like she may 'fire' me as a patient if it bothers her. There;s no counter-T between us so that makes things a little different for me - maybe easier, maybe harder.
Everyone, even ShrinkLady will tell you that this is something you need to talk about inorder to work through it. I say .. wait until you feel like YOU are ready to take it on, don't base it on what others think. The insight and experiences here are incredible and helped me to make my decision to talk about it. In hindsight .. I should have waited and concentrated on other personal issues before tackling the transference. Now I'm looking for a T to help me deal with the feelings I have for my P so that I can continue my work with her.
Anyway, my point is don't rush into it. Get some thoughts from others here and then sit on it and think about how and when you want to tackle it. It might be a really good thing for you to deal with, and then it might make things tougher.
I think that since telling my P, I have had stronger feelings towards her, knowing that she knows has made me feel like it's okay to feel like this now. But it makes my life hell knowing that I can't talk about it right now, and that she would never be able to return what I feel.
WAH .. sorry if that didn't help. It didn't help me either to comment cuz now I'm thinking about it! LOL
Holly
Welcome to the forum! quote:Some T's don't deal with transference/counter-transference issues very well. Some don't deal with them at all. Some react quite strongly to the terminology, as if we are not "supposed" to know any of it, or that it is some "secret magic trick" and they are the only ones that are allowed to know about it.
SD - This was my P exactly. She wanted to know right away where I came up with the term 'transference' and she was a little annoyed that I'm not trusting her to help me, by trying to help myself.
Flicka, my telling my P about my feelings for her didn't go very well in my opinion and I've been afraid to delve into it further with her for fear of rejection as well as feeling like she may 'fire' me as a patient if it bothers her. There;s no counter-T between us so that makes things a little different for me - maybe easier, maybe harder.
Everyone, even ShrinkLady will tell you that this is something you need to talk about inorder to work through it. I say .. wait until you feel like YOU are ready to take it on, don't base it on what others think. The insight and experiences here are incredible and helped me to make my decision to talk about it. In hindsight .. I should have waited and concentrated on other personal issues before tackling the transference. Now I'm looking for a T to help me deal with the feelings I have for my P so that I can continue my work with her.
Anyway, my point is don't rush into it. Get some thoughts from others here and then sit on it and think about how and when you want to tackle it. It might be a really good thing for you to deal with, and then it might make things tougher.
I think that since telling my P, I have had stronger feelings towards her, knowing that she knows has made me feel like it's okay to feel like this now. But it makes my life hell knowing that I can't talk about it right now, and that she would never be able to return what I feel.
WAH .. sorry if that didn't help. It didn't help me either to comment cuz now I'm thinking about it! LOL
Holly
Flicka, this is a decision only you can make.
Are you saying you actually want something physical to happen with your T, or that you are having those feelings and want to talk about them? There's a big difference.
And for some T's, there is a huge risk (professionally) to continue seeing a client they know has sexual feelings for him/her. I am pretty sure they actually aren't supposed to once it has been disclosed. It could make things a lot worse for you to keep seeing him, knowing nothing can happen, pouring your heart out and always wanting more.
You said you asked your T and he said he didn't have those feelings for you. Maybe he doesn't. And if he does he will probably never admit it. I am sure he knows how you feel if you have asked him that. What do you want to happen?
i hope this doesn't sound harsh, i certainly don't mean it to, but it is a risky subject, and no one wants to see you get hurt. So that's why you need to ask what you want to happen? Then you can figure out what to do.
LTF
Are you saying you actually want something physical to happen with your T, or that you are having those feelings and want to talk about them? There's a big difference.
And for some T's, there is a huge risk (professionally) to continue seeing a client they know has sexual feelings for him/her. I am pretty sure they actually aren't supposed to once it has been disclosed. It could make things a lot worse for you to keep seeing him, knowing nothing can happen, pouring your heart out and always wanting more.
You said you asked your T and he said he didn't have those feelings for you. Maybe he doesn't. And if he does he will probably never admit it. I am sure he knows how you feel if you have asked him that. What do you want to happen?
i hope this doesn't sound harsh, i certainly don't mean it to, but it is a risky subject, and no one wants to see you get hurt. So that's why you need to ask what you want to happen? Then you can figure out what to do.
LTF
Hi Flicka, and Welcome!
You'll find that this is a great place to get support for feelings such as this, since most of us have strong attachment feelings toward our therapist. Also, I just wanted to let you know that no one here judges whether or not you have feelings toward a male or female (I noticed that you are putting "they"). There are a lot of people here who are gay/lesbian or bi or straight and have sexual feelings toward their same gendered therapist or opposite gendered therapist regardless of their own sexual orientation. It's okay, whatever it is. And, if you don't feel comfortable talking about it, that's okay, too. When you do feel comfortable with it, we'll be okay with it.
(Holly, I have to do it again. I think we're twins or something separated at birth, because I almost always agree with you.)
I agree with Holly, take your time with it. You will know when the time is right to bring up the subject. Or, you can test the waters with small questions, like asking your therapist how he/she deals with transference issues. I waited almost a year before spilling my guts to my T (By the time that I started talking about this stuff, I had been seeing her close to 2 years), and I'm glad that I did, because through that time, I dealt with a lot of other issues that allowed me to be able to face this deeper issue that has to do with my attachment wounds. Also, it gave me a chance to get to know my T better and for her to get to know me. When it was time, I somehow knew it. It just burned inside of me until I finally talked about it. Since then, it's been hard to talk about anything else with her, so I'm glad that we worked through a lot of other issues first.
Good luck to you. Keep us posted!
catgirl
You'll find that this is a great place to get support for feelings such as this, since most of us have strong attachment feelings toward our therapist. Also, I just wanted to let you know that no one here judges whether or not you have feelings toward a male or female (I noticed that you are putting "they"). There are a lot of people here who are gay/lesbian or bi or straight and have sexual feelings toward their same gendered therapist or opposite gendered therapist regardless of their own sexual orientation. It's okay, whatever it is. And, if you don't feel comfortable talking about it, that's okay, too. When you do feel comfortable with it, we'll be okay with it.
(Holly, I have to do it again. I think we're twins or something separated at birth, because I almost always agree with you.)
I agree with Holly, take your time with it. You will know when the time is right to bring up the subject. Or, you can test the waters with small questions, like asking your therapist how he/she deals with transference issues. I waited almost a year before spilling my guts to my T (By the time that I started talking about this stuff, I had been seeing her close to 2 years), and I'm glad that I did, because through that time, I dealt with a lot of other issues that allowed me to be able to face this deeper issue that has to do with my attachment wounds. Also, it gave me a chance to get to know my T better and for her to get to know me. When it was time, I somehow knew it. It just burned inside of me until I finally talked about it. Since then, it's been hard to talk about anything else with her, so I'm glad that we worked through a lot of other issues first.
Good luck to you. Keep us posted!
catgirl
Hi Flicka,
I for one say it is worth it to express your feelings, and my transference experience isn't even one of the "successful" ones.
I became extremely attached to my son's T after about two years of working with her. Something pretty traumatic happened in our family and I went to her first. After that, I began to talk to her more about these issues and more, and soon we were emailing and talking on the phone practically every day.
Mine wasn't an erotic transference but I really, really, really wanted to be friends with her. I started researching, found this site, and got up the courage to tell her. She told me she also wished we could be friends, but it wasn't possible under the circumstances. I knew that's what she would say, so I wasn't surprised. All in all, it went well enough, but, like HB, only made the feelings more intense. I no longer see my son's T for insurance reasons but even if I had, I'm not sure she would have been able to help with the transference issue, because she really didn't know how to deal with it.
I now have a new T who is helping me, but the feelings of attachment haven't really subsided. I still want my son's T in my life 5 months later. I live in a small town and see her often, so that may be why the feelings are so strong. My T tells me that I am taking the right steps and that my feelings will fade as I find new relationships. I really think the first step to getting over my strong feelings of attachment was to tell her and talk to her about it. I have always been afraid to share my feelings and ask other people for what I need. Once I did that with my son's T, which was one of the hardest things I've ever done, I was able to start doing that in other parts of my life.
So it was worth it, not because I received everything I needed from my son's T, but because I was able to ask. And even though the answer was "no" I still have received more from her than from anyone else in my life really, because she accepted what I had to say and didn't dismiss me or make me feel like something was wrong with me. I know now that it's possible to ask, get over the "rejection" of not getting what I want, and still come out with a relationship that is beneficial to me.
I don't know if any of that made sense... but i hope it is helpful.
Take your time, and only ask when you are ready. I started my conversation by asking my son's T if she was familiar with transference. She said yes, and she didn't seem shocked or annoyed or anything, so I was able to continue.
OW
I for one say it is worth it to express your feelings, and my transference experience isn't even one of the "successful" ones.
I became extremely attached to my son's T after about two years of working with her. Something pretty traumatic happened in our family and I went to her first. After that, I began to talk to her more about these issues and more, and soon we were emailing and talking on the phone practically every day.
Mine wasn't an erotic transference but I really, really, really wanted to be friends with her. I started researching, found this site, and got up the courage to tell her. She told me she also wished we could be friends, but it wasn't possible under the circumstances. I knew that's what she would say, so I wasn't surprised. All in all, it went well enough, but, like HB, only made the feelings more intense. I no longer see my son's T for insurance reasons but even if I had, I'm not sure she would have been able to help with the transference issue, because she really didn't know how to deal with it.
I now have a new T who is helping me, but the feelings of attachment haven't really subsided. I still want my son's T in my life 5 months later. I live in a small town and see her often, so that may be why the feelings are so strong. My T tells me that I am taking the right steps and that my feelings will fade as I find new relationships. I really think the first step to getting over my strong feelings of attachment was to tell her and talk to her about it. I have always been afraid to share my feelings and ask other people for what I need. Once I did that with my son's T, which was one of the hardest things I've ever done, I was able to start doing that in other parts of my life.
So it was worth it, not because I received everything I needed from my son's T, but because I was able to ask. And even though the answer was "no" I still have received more from her than from anyone else in my life really, because she accepted what I had to say and didn't dismiss me or make me feel like something was wrong with me. I know now that it's possible to ask, get over the "rejection" of not getting what I want, and still come out with a relationship that is beneficial to me.
I don't know if any of that made sense... but i hope it is helpful.
Take your time, and only ask when you are ready. I started my conversation by asking my son's T if she was familiar with transference. She said yes, and she didn't seem shocked or annoyed or anything, so I was able to continue.
OW
post deleted by Flicka.
quote:i hope this doesn't sound harsh, i certainly don't mean it to
LMAO LTF .. nice disclaimer there! I thought I was the only one that had to do that! We are such a harsh bunch!
quote:(Holly, I have to do it again. I think we're twins or something separated at birth, because I almost always agree with you.)
CG
Umm, how old are you and when is your birthday, cuz I'm starting to wonder the SAME thing!
Hi Flicka
Did I tell you that I like your name? I do, it's cute! I'm very glad that you have found some of our info helpful and comparable to your situation. It's really nice and even valuable to know that there are other people out here that share our struggles.
quote:I have found a way to help with my obsessive thoughts about my T, especially
after therapy.. I just put on a rubber band on my wrist and I shout "Stop it" and snap the band.
I was thinking about this and I think that if I were to do that, I'd be bleeding to death in less than an hour!!! I'll pass and just deal with my constant craving as KD LANG said! LMAO
Be well! Holly
post deleted by Flicka.
I forgot to add that this Thursday I will be revisiting the transference stuff with my P and bringing everything to the table. I'm not sure how it's going to pan out, if it's a good idea or if I am merely laying my head on the chopping block - but I have to get it all out before I actually become a nutjob vs just feeling like one! LOL I'll let you all know Thursday afternoon how it goes!
Holly
Holly
Hi Flicka ..
I laughed when you said that you tell yourself to shut up. All I could imagine was seeing you do that in a mall or something LMAO
I'm sure people would only think you had turrets LOL that's not so bad is it? 
I don't have to worry about C/T because there isn't any from my P .. she's str8 ... whats with that. Not to mentions she's 25yrs my senior, and just mentioning a relationship with that age gap in here will get you strung up and stoned by the town folk! LMAO THAT WAS A JOKE THOSE OF YOU THAT KNOW WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT .. come on laugh it off!!
Besides any reasonable person knows taht it's not ethical to have a sexual relationship with their DR. but fantasizing never killed anyone .. has it?
I have to get to be my wife is yelling at me for staying up all night talking to you people! You are all a bad influence on me!!!
Be well! Holly
I laughed when you said that you tell yourself to shut up. All I could imagine was seeing you do that in a mall or something LMAO
I'm sure people would only think you had turrets LOL that's not so bad is it? I don't have to worry about C/T because there isn't any from my P .. she's str8 ... whats with that. Not to mentions she's 25yrs my senior, and just mentioning a relationship with that age gap in here will get you strung up and stoned by the town folk! LMAO THAT WAS A JOKE THOSE OF YOU THAT KNOW WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT .. come on laugh it off!!
Besides any reasonable person knows taht it's not ethical to have a sexual relationship with their DR. but fantasizing never killed anyone .. has it?I have to get to be my wife is yelling at me for staying up all night talking to you people! You are all a bad influence on me!!!
Be well! Holly