Recently I've found emotional intimacy outside of my T relationship. I've formed new connections with others, new routines... new things that I are filling the spaces T was holding or filling for me.

I'm far from better, but I'm generally a solid 7/10 as far as my mood and sense of satisfaction with my life go.

I started to cry writing this because... I am just appreciative of my T and our work and at the same time... So scared.

Both my Ts and my P have said they are proud and impressed and sometimes it brings up good feelings and other times I hear 'goodbye'.

Seeing T has been about my needs, always. Learning my needs, having them met, learning to be okay with needs, understanding why people need people and what relationships even mean...

So I've learned what I value and want in getting things met... And I've genuinely come to want things and so I go get them (one of the only compliments I've received from my parents is that if I want something I will make it happen). I've made shit happen...

Then I freak out. As if since my relationship with T has been based on my needs... If I need less from our relationship... Will she stay with me? Can she still be there? Is the connection the same? I want to cling to her but I also feel ripped away. Never pushed... Just... Away.

I still have a lot of processing and work to do... Things I want to learn and improve on... And I still get triggered and my ED comes up and all sorts of things - I need help navigating, too.

To had talked to me about the ebb and flow of relationships (including ours). I feel like I'm going out to tide and clinging to sand that keeps slipping... Meanwhile I'm just as happy to swim...

I don't know if I'm making sense. I'm not building up to my secure attachment with her. I have it, I've had it for a while. I thought that was where it ends. Is it? I don't know how to work without extreme intensity and dividing my needs makes no sense.

F*%#

I am just a crying mess of confused and thankful and scared and lost.