It does seem quite cruel. I am sorry you are having to deal with this. I don't really have anything to help other than he seems quite punitive not to even let you have some closure with him.

Hi Meghan,
I am so sorry that this has happened to you. You will find others who can relate to feeling abandoned by their T.
I agree with stoppers- it is cruel.
I do not have personal experience with this, because usually it is me firing him, and then I change my mind and we talk about the ... what's the word? disconnect- I think.
Maybe your T felt ill-equipt to deal with the issues. Whatever his reasons- know that it is his inadaquacies, and is in no way a reflection on you.
Hele

Thanks Mayo,

It's very hard not to take this personally. I have such a difficult time trusting people. It took many years for me to open up to him and this feels like a giant slap in the face. I find small comfort in knowing others have been through this. But tonight it still hurts so deeply.

That IS cruel! At the very least, he should have offered you some insight/resolution and direct assistance transitioning to a new T. I'm so sorry.

Thank you all for your kind words.

The hardest part is that I was so nervous to call him, it took me a bit to admit my wrong and to be honest. But then I did call and I was proud of myself. I have an incredibly difficult time trusting others and asking for help, so this reaching out was a big deal for me. I was incredibly nervous, but also had a lot of hope that he would welcome me back.

Today's voicemail was such a slap in the face. I spent most of the afternoon swallowing tears at work. It's hard to hear about your experiences with T's. I wish mine could have welcomed me back.

Everyone in my life has let me down. It's heartbreaking to know that he has left me as well.

I quit therapy just about every week with T2 and she has always made it clear that her door is always open. I think perhaps your T felt he lacked the skills to help you, but he should have contacted you directly to tell you that. Having his secretary call you to do his dirty work is totally a lame move on his part.

your 72 hour comment made me smile

The more I think about this, the angrier I get. I wrote to him and expressed my frustration and hurt over email. I'll see what he says. Regardless, it's been an incredibly damaging experience.

I'm so sorry to hear that this happened to you. I hope you hear back from him soon on the email you sent. You have every right to be angry. T's are supposed to understand how powerful the connection is and how much what they do or don't do affects us. I'm glad that you expressed your frustration to him. Let us know how it goes...and btw, welcome to the boards.

BB

I think my T is a lot more distant (and -- maybe this is my own projections here -- feels a little more punitive than other people's T's here)... but I do think that this is a horrible way to terminate with somebody. Whatever fear, or resistance, or issues that are driving your T to hide from confronting you himself suggest to me that this termination is more about HIM than YOU. You are still worthy, still deserving of being cared for and treated. He, for whatever reason, just wasn't up to the task--you weren't a good fit for each other. Maybe your letter to him will help open up a dialogue about what happened. I think it is very brave of you to write something. I think it was very brave of you to call back again. It is okay to struggle. It takes a very bold person to overcome what you have and try to reach out again. Whatever happens, I hope you don't give up and think that you therapy experience--or, in general, your life growth experience--is over.

I agree that you've been very brave to ask to come back and to send the email. Definitely let us know what your T says! Also, it's not your fault! I've asked if I could quit half-a-dozen times in six months. I have never officially done it yet, but if my H hadn't kept me from it, I probably would have. And I would have wanted to go back again soon after. It's completely normal and as a T, he has probably experienced it multiple times before. His reaction is HIS choice and you are not responsible for it.

Meghan... first, I'm terribly sorry this has happened to you. It's the very worst kind of pain to be terminated harshly and abruptly by a T especially after years of therapy with them.

Are you sure this was a termination or did he just not have time in the schedule this week? Did the secretary say it was a termination? Ethically, they need to give you termination sessions... it's a process over time. My T did an UNethical termination which was actually abandonment and against all licensing board ethics. I have been told they should offer 2 or 3 sessions to terminate for each year of therapy. It is very harmful and traumatic to the patient to be dumped like this and not even by the T but by his secretary! What a cowardly wimp.

I don't know your history... or if you had a good relationship with this T and if he was behaving ethically. Have you quit before? Have things been going badly in therapy? Just curious although it does NOT excuse his behavior at all. It was his responsibility to terminate with you in a humane and caring way.

Many patients quit therapy when they are emotional or upset or dealing with traumatic issues and then change their mind. Most Ts are understanding of this behavior knowing what drives it.

I am so so sorry you are suffering with this. Please let us know if you hear from your T and tell him that he is responsible for giving you at least a termination session and 3 referrals to other Ts.

Good luck
TN

Having been through a very bad termination too, I agree with TN.

It would be professional of him to offer at least 2- 3 sessions per year of therapy.

Also, you can request to have a review session of your work together.

Secondly (and more importantly maybe right now) is to say that it hurts like hell when a T terminates on you. It hurts right through your very being. It is a hugely traumatizing event, it takes a long while to heal from and the work of another skill T to help you through it, and it leaves you feeling very vulnerable and unable to trust or feel that people won't walk out on you.

It is awful and I feel for you hugely.

I have found another person, a P - who is good and in fact better than the C who terminated with me, so it had a silver lining in the end, but oh god, the pain I went through. And here,this forum, helped with that. TN helped with that, as she was a month or two ahead of me. I did not even know T;s terminated until she wrote about it, and then totally unexpectedly it happened to me. I was stunned, shocked , disbelieving.

And yes, it is about THEM. they have flaws and they mess up. To end badly with a client shows major flaws in the T. Do not forget that or loose sight of that.

It still hurts, as we have feelings of abandonment and of having messed up, of being 'wrong' and 'too much' etc etc, the same old same old feelings we grew up with.

biggest hugs to you. Biggest.
(((((Meghan)))))))

So sorry you are going through this.

Hi Meghan,
Welcome to the forums. I'm sorry for the pain you're in, I know I would find it very difficult to go through what you're going through. And as you can see there are a number of people on the board who have been through it, and can really help. I do agree that for whatever reason your T acted as he did, it was not a good way to end therapy. Even if a therapist thinks its necessary to transfer a patient to another therapist, there should be some kind of transistion with a chance to talk about the ending and what it means to the client. I hope you get a good response to your email, let us know how it goes.

AG

Thank you all, I really appreciate the kind comments. It's very hard and I'm still hurting a lot.

(((((((((Meghan))))))))))

Still thinking about you. I'm glad you are seeing that it is his issue and not yours. I hope he realizes his mistake and works with you at least to transition if he doesn't feel like he is capable of helping you the way you need. You deserve better!!!

Meghan,

I just wanted to say welcome to the forums and I'm so sorry for what happened with your T. I hope he makes contact with you so you can get some sort of resolution. (((hugs)))

I sent the email on Wed. As of this morning, I still haven't heard back.

I guess that's it. I know I should give him some time, but it really hurt me. And someone in a helping profession should have enough sense to communicate quickly. This feels awful. Thanks for all your kind comments.

I am so sorry this is happening to you. I am shocked by his lack of response, it is unprofessional. this is where we need easy access to a complaints procedure!

I feel for your pain as you go through this.

Have you emailed him in the past? Does he usually give quick responses? My T usually checks email only 1-2 times per week.

That really is horrible, though. I'm lucky that my T works through a center in my area (he is private practice out where he lives), so if I had any issues, I'd be able to complain to the director. I'll keep praying you get some resolution, though. I'm feeling all protective and wishing I could do something about it...

Usually he's pretty prompt. But we honestly have only had a couple email exchanges in the past.

My friend suggested filing an official complaint as she thinks this is totally unethical. It's very hard to know what to do in something like this.

I know - you are probably still in the shocked phase too which makes it even harder to know what to do and the hurt makes it harder to think.

I would suggest an informal email to the complaints person, at the least serious level - just to say you wish to highlight what has happened here and what would they suggest you do. If that doesn't work, a formal complaint but that is harder and I have found that very difficult to do and i need considerable help if I am going to write that, as I had too many issues/ faults and did not know where to start! but maybe your friend could help you draft one out and together you can go through it.

he may yet, of course, email you and sort it out. Which would be nice.

If he has valid reasons for terminating therapy, he should be able to address them directly with you. It is the ethical and professional way to handle this situation.

quote:

Originally posted by LadyGrey:
If he has valid reasons for terminating therapy, he should be able to address them directly with you. It is the ethical and professional way to handle this situation.

I totally agree. I think he owes it to you after three years of therapy to at least have a termination session and I'm flummoxed that he doesn't seem to see it that way.

He finally wrote back. He said he has a an hour free at the end of march and we can meet then to discuss what happened.

i'm not sure if I want to go or not. 1 hr seems like no where near enough time. and that's still a month away. sigh.

Meghan,

I'm glad you heard back from him. I can understand why you have mixed feelings about going, though.

In a way, I think its good that its a month away. I know you want answers now, but it does give you time to figure out what the most important questions are. You are right, and hour is not very long to do a termination so take your time to figure out what you want to ask and what you want to say.

I'm sorry that this has happened but based on how he handled things, I think you are better off without him.

Have you looked for another therapist?

No, I don't know if I can handle another therapist. I came to him with severe issues of interpersonal abuse and traumas (my dad was physically abusive growing up, eventually left, and then recently died in a traumatic was).

It took years for me to open up about any of these past traumas and to confront the grief. I can't imagine opening up about the trauma to another person.

I'm seeing my psychiatrist this week and I'm going to try and talk to him about everything. I'm praying that he can help in some way. I'm not that close with him - I usually just see him for med checks. But I think he'll be shocked about what happened. And he's always warm and concerned when he sees me in a rough state. Also, I don't even know where to begin looking for a new T. It's such an exhausting process.

My current T has hurt me so deeply. I don't think I can face another hour with him. Especially if it's just to say goodbye. I want him to welcome me back for weekly sessions. I'm heart broken. I can't stop crying. It feels like my dad leaving and dying all over again.

Meghan,

I'm so sorry your T's reply is so lame. One session a month away is not fair to you. I hope that you can try and remember that this has much more to do with him as a T than you. Keep writing, maybe we can support you while you figure out what you want to say in your final sesssion and if you want to look for a new T.

Meghan, I am so sorry for what your T did and is doing to you. What you suffered is a trauma caused by his abandoning you when you need him and had a 3 year relationship with him. This is throwing you back into the trauma you suffered when your Dad died. What your T did is unethical and is against APA ethics and he could be reported to them and the licensing board in your state as well. Abandonment of a client is a big ethics violation and what he is doing to you.

If you can, can you tell me what lead up to your wanting to quit and then his unethical abandonment of you?? Have you seen any previous red flags in his behavior... things such as being inconsistent, verbally abusive, was there inappropriate touch, was he doing the push-pull thing where one day he was warm to you and other days he was cold and detached and withdrawn, did he self-disclose too much about himself? Did you have frequent disruptions with him? How did he handle the repair? Did he ever seem angry with you?

Let me empahsize that the issue is with your T. He is not handling his own issues and he may be having some strong counter-transference, he may be having personal problems causing his inability to function ethically as a T, he may just be a bad T. It was HIS limitations that caused this and not you.

I went through a very traumatic abandonment by my T of 3 years. He behaved terribly and still is. He cut off all communication and I'm still trying to get my files from him and have him clean up insurance matters for me. I saw five other T's before I found one who could help me and who understood the trauma I was suffering and knew how to help me. My new T is simply wonderful and better than my oldT who abandoned me. It has been really hard hard work to find him and to allow myself to get close to him and to talk to him.

You do need therapeutic support while you deal with the grief of losing your T and with what happened. Do you think your T sounds like he will take you back as a client or does this all sound absolutely final? I know it's hard to think of seeing another T and telling the story all over again but for now I would advise you to seek someone for the grief and current trauma and you will have to put all the other issues you were working on to the back burner until your current trauma caused by your T is dealt with and mourned. My best advice when looking for a T to help with this is to find one that deals with "patients with prior failed treatment". These Ts are extra sensitive and knowledgeable about taking care of people wounded by other Ts. This is what my T has experience in and it really shows in how undersstanding he is.

Meghan please know you are not alone and coming here was a very good decision. I'd be happy to share what I learned from this experience if you have any questions.

TN

TN, June, and incognito - thank you very much for your compassion and kind words.

I am glad that I found this board. I have been a long time lurker but just started posting. Writing here has helped me to sort out some of this pain. And I hope that you all will continue to welcome my comments and discussions as I wade through this hurt.

Here's what led me to flee: I got scared. This is what I do, because this is what I know how to do. When I get too overwhelmed I shut down and try to run.

I send you hugs
((((MEG))))))))
and am so glad you feel able to post here and tell us how you are doing. thursday must seem like a long time away so I admire you for being able to hold on.
I hope your P can intervene, maybe you could phone the P and tell him what has happened and how traumatized you feel about it? then you would have more support and maybe the P could contact the T and see what is going on?

thanks sadly. i really appreciate your kind words