That aside, something happened in our last session that I'm processing. T leaves something out for me at the beginning of session (imagine that your T sets a blanket out, or turns the lights a certain way you like them, or re-arranges something in the room that triggers you, etc - it's like that, but it's a little more personal for me, it's a teddybear (yes, I'm 5)).
Last session, she walked immediately out with her client and then told me to go back to her office. My item was out. When T got back I asked her if the client before saw it... and yes, she said this was the first time it had happened but because she was running late she wanted the room ready for me.
Insert the most horribly child like feelings of pure shame, terror, sadness, self consciousness... I wondered if my T made or thought comments (judged) when she sets the thing out (she just did it on her own and though I thank her and tell her I can do it myself it is so comforting). I wanted to throw the thing away, take it home, die in a hole, sink through the couch cushions.
My T said the lady before me was kind, I would like her, and that she was trustworthy. She told me that her client said 'Aww' when she took it out to set on the couch (you can't exactly pull out a bear at the end of someone's session out of nowhere - she's a T not a magician). T apologized, and I basically just wanted to die of shame for even caring.
We discussed why I felt how I do, where it was coming from, what it was related to, my T acknowledged that she made a mistake and apologized. I'm still really hurt and feeling ashamed and unfortunately my T is where I go to process that sort of stuff. There is nothing else to say about it, there is only feeling. It's like if someone accidentally tripped you and you got a scrape, you could totally forgive them and they could help you up but then you've got this scrape for a while. I don't know how to help the 'emotional scrape'.
I hope it didn't hurt the lady before me in some way but my T is pretty attuned to these things and I think while focusing on that client's needs (being that it was HER session) it wasn't something my T likely anticipated causing pain for her. In thinking of me... T just wanted me to be able to get back to her office quickly. I'm not angry at my T, it's my own feelings of shame for her efforts to put it out, for my being comforted having it there, for my needs being thought of and met, and a lot of me feels foolish and stupid and immature.
What can I do about this? I don't know how to process it with T without coming across as processing the EVENT rather than what is triggered. How can I stop myself from just taking it home and/or destroying it and/or never being able to see it again? I don't want this to cause distance. I'm so triggered. This should be the least of my concerns right now, but it's where my brain is going to get through some other stuff right now.
for everything that's going on right now. ((((Cat))))
and I know it can be so triggering when things that are routine with sessions get altered in any way. For whatever my 2 cents are worth, I've learned the hard way that things like this can be some of the best material to work through in sessions. The hard part is overcoming the strong emotions that accompany the event, but if you feel comfortable enough to talk through with T it could be really insightful. One thing I've found helpful is to force myself to say 'this was the event that triggered me, and I rationally understand it, but I'd like to focus with you on processing why my reactions are so intense around the event.' Actually in your post i noticed something that could be at the very heart of your feelings, possibly?
I have bears in my house, I bring them on trips... I don't care who sees, but with this... it is something else somehow. You are right about why I want to destroy it. I just don't want anything personal and meaningful 'out there'. I'm feeling even talking about it is threatening because it focuses more attention on it.