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28 replies

T forgot to tell me about a month break

T tygrMember
Too tired to post full story now but still dwelling on it and I really need to sleep so I thought I'd post and then revisit tomorrow.

At the end of yesterday's session, 5 minutes to go, T was wrapping up, writing out her invoice etc and said something like, so we're not meeting next week. First I'd heard of it so I just said oh.

Then she flipped through her calendar and said, oh it's going to be a long time for you. It'll be the end of the month and that's a bank holiday so it'll have to be the 27th. She then got a bit flustered.

By this time I was panicking slightly and very confused. I queried it and said I was confused about when we were meeting again and she said, oh didn't you know, I'm on holiday for a month! Absolutely the first I'd heard about it.

I was so angry. I couldn't believe she'd let me down like that. I said that if I'd known in advance I would've made other arrangements and that it seemed lately that she didn't want me to continue with therapy. She's mentioned several times about me taking a 6 week break in order to get into the NHS system. I've constantly said I don't want to take a break. I've been seeing her weekly for 18 months.

As I was clearly rattled, she flicked through her calendar again and said the only thing she could do would be to see me in a fortnight when she's back home for 2 days. I was so angry and shocked, lacking trust I think, that I was reluctant to say yes but she said that she strongly suggested that we meet. She then asked whether I would be going on holiday. Considering how much debt I'm in, I just replied coldly that I can't afford to take a holiday.

It's affected me quite badly. She had one week off in mid July and I had three weeks notice of that and I didn't cope well and had to email her after 10 days and request a longer return session as I'd fallen apart slightly in her absence.

I've been emailing her a lot between sessions recently as I've been really struggling. I feel like I've been expecting too much from her and I just wonder why she would make such a big mistake like this. She's very experienced and has never done it before.

Sorry - rambling - I'm very tired and stressed - not just about this.
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nannabeenannabeeMember
(((tygr))))

That’s so not cool for a T to do. I’m really sorry it’s happening to you. A month-long break is a long time, and to have one sprung on you last minute like that is awful. I would be so pissed with my T. And of course you’re going to start wondering why she made that mistake, and think about what it means about your relationship.

How do you feel about accepting the session she offered? If it were me, I would want to take it (because I always want to see my T), but I would also want to be petulant and refuse it. Like my accepting it would mean that everything is OK again, when it wouldn’t be.
T tygrMember
I have strong conflicting feelings. I want to stand her up or email her to say I want to terminate completely as I feel hurt and let down by her. On the other hand, I want to know why this has happened. I also want an apology but I fear I won't get one and that I might not be able to handle that. I find it very hard to let myself express strong feelings to someone in person so to be able to express how this has made me feel to her face would be a good thing for me to practice. It's going to be a very difficult session and I was already struggling with life stress and really want to carry on looking at that rather than having new issues to deal with.

The money's also a problem and I'm feeling very resistant to paying her bill.

I'm spending too much time dwelling on it all though. I had an important piece of work to finish yesterday and I didn't; maybe I wouldn't have done anyway, but having all this going on didn't help.
T turtleMember
((((tygr)))) That is so painful.

I am sorry she did not tell you this sooner. It seems like she messed up unintentionally but it doesn't make it any better. I hope you see her in two weeks and maybe get some resolution.

I have been emailing my T a lot lately too and suddenly she hasn't been responding. It's hard for me not to read into it. I see her today but I am going to ask her if she's been busy or something. It's so hard when they suddenly "disappear" without explanation.
T tygrMember
Breaks are hard, although this T has always had a more cavalier attitude to it than my previous T. This one doesn't bring them up afterwards or want to spend time discussing it before or after, whereas my old T would take a session either side just to talk about the break and how I felt about it.

I'm having doubts about the whole process of therapy. I had some bad family news this evening - my grandmother is ill - and it affected me badly. I nearly emailed T but I stopped myself. I don't really feel like telling her things that matter to me right now. Also, I don't want to let her straight off the hook without expressing how upset and hurt I was and I don't want to do that by email.

Only a few weeks ago, I had a brilliant session where I felt very close to her and finally after 18 months, I felt attached to her on an emotional level and then this happens so soon and I wonder what the point of attaching to her has been?

She also forgets A LOT of important things I say. I told her last week that my Dad's brother has been cheating, which is a big issue as my Dad was unfaithful to my Mum. Then this week she asks whether my Dad has any siblings. I know T's can't remember everything but to forget from one week to the next makes me feel like there isn't much continuity between the sessions.

I know we can resolve it and carry on but I'm not very happy about how things are going lately.
T tygrMember
So, I've made it through my unexpected fortnight break and see T again tomorrow. I've thought a lot about her and us and what I might say but haven't come up with a plan. I'm not really angry anymore but I can get in touch with the anger if I try to. I don't find it easy to access the emotions live in the sessions though and struggle to tell her things I feel about her. I want to tell her I was hurt and angry and shocked so I think I might need to start with that if she doesn't ask first.

I've been counting down to this day for 13 days and now it's 1 day to go, I'm wondering and worrying. I suppose I'm worried about powerful feelings coming up again and then having another fortnight on my own to deal with them.
T tygrMember
Leaving in an hour. Anxiety too high to think clearly about how to start. Incredibly worried I'll leave activated and upset again. I guess telling her that might be a good start?

I would appreciate some responses if anyone has any personal experience to share? I know many of you don't know me so it might be too much to ask but I'm constantly checking the site to see views but no responses and feeling like no-one, including T, wants to help me and wondering why I'm pushing everyone away.
T tygrMember
Awful, awful session. I stormed out and slammed the door at the end, drove to the gate then broke down, in floods of tears, dissociating, just seeing lights and colours and sat there for 25 minutes.

Managed to drive 5 minutes away now - it's in the country so single track lanes - met an incoming vehicle, reversed into a passing place then broke down again, sobbing and shouting and swearing.

I can't go home. I don't see her again for another fortnight.

Things have totally broken down. She spent the whole session banging on over and over about how I need to take anti-depressants because the anxiety and fury are getting in the way of the work. No acknowledgment on her part that the fury was at her for letting me down and the anxiety was about telling her. Awful. Awful.
T tygrMember
Rang T twice but no answer. I've never called her before in 19 months. I feel she was deliberately letting it ring but then how would she know it's me?

So now I'm at my GPs waiting for an emergency appointment.

I don't know if I'm overreacting but she did offer to speak to the GP and I know she's going back on holiday again and I'm not looking forward to managing myself for a fortnight on my own.

I don't want meds though.

I'm query bipolar but keep getting knocked back without an assessment. NHS sucks, despite what others think of it.
puppetpuppetMember
((tygr))
i'm so sorry your T was so insensitive! does she not get how hard breaks can be? if you dont mind me asking, what type of T is she, has she been in therapy herself? to me it sounds like she didnt know how to handle this, got defensive and instead of looking at her part, she focused on you and how to 'help' you with your anxiety. so way off the mark...! Frowner

i hope you're feeling a little better.

puppet
T tygrMember
Thanks Cat

I got a prescription for diazepam, the first time I've had it, but all the pharmacies were shut so I couldn't get it filled. GP's going to write to the CMHT again and ask if I can be assessed but they've written three times since March and haven't got anywhere.

I start CBT with the NHS counsellor on Wednesday anyway (so new T2), who is apparently a RMN, so should be experienced in more than just mild anxiety.

I've emailed T now. I just want some acknowledgment or positivity or something from her that she still thinks this is worth doing and she hasn't given up on me. I don't really get touchy, feely, caring type stuff from her. I'm not sure you do from psychoanalytic psychotherapists.

I didn't mention earlier but she also said that it was a problem that I couldn't afford therapy (she's reduced her fee to half) and could only come once a week. Again, that made me feel like a failure for being unemployed and not being a wealthy person who can afford proper psychoanalysis. If I could afford it, I would've tried it.

I didn't really get anything warm or caring from her at all. Except when I said it all felt like my fault and she said there was no fault in the room. So, I suppose that's a good thing. I didn't feel good though.
T tygrMember
Hi Puppet

She's a Jungian psychoanalytic psychotherapist, is a fellow of many of the main UK psychotherapy bodies, has written a book on grievances and complaints in psychotherapy and advises one of the counselling governing bodies on ethics! She should be experienced enough to know what she's doing.

I really don't get what's going on. If this is a therapeutic technique, it sucks!
T tygrMember
I got an email!

"I am sorry about all of this and that you were seemingly not told at the same time as I said I would be away in July. I do not understand it either but it is worth looking at too.
I was concerned about your safety today and am glad that you have been to the GP.
We will meet on the 27th,
With all good wishes,
[T]"

I'm so relieved to have received it.

I might take it down again for privacy - mine and hers. Just want people here to know as I've been making such a song and dance about it all.

Sorry.
T tygrMember
Oh dear Cat. Frowner

Yes, I think it's BACP that she advises. Thing is, I know so little about her, she has virtually no online presence; I've gleaned that info from the blurb on amazon and two websites she advertises on. Otherwise, nothing.

She was highly personally recommended by another psychotherapist and I go to a dream workshop with him every month.

I have to believe she knows what she's doing as otherwise where would I be? I do doubt and I think she's doubting her ability to help me too. The long bottom comment (she said large bottom initially, then corrected it!) was very bleak.

I liked her approach in the first session when she made my journey sound like an epic story but then she hasn't referred to it since. It's just been my boring old stuff. I suppose I'm the hero scything through the thorny thicket and I haven't got to the tower with the princess and the old hag in it yet?! Unless she's the hag and I'm the dragon. Or something?

I'm scared because talking about moving away at some point and I wanted this to be my last therapy relationship when I started it. I wanted this to be the one that got me to the heart of it. See, I assume she's experienced because of her age and her training and her book etc but maybe she still isn't the right fit for me? Or else, therapy just isn't going to cut it and this is as good as it gets. Can that be true?
T tygrMember
Thanks Monte

There comes a point when you've invested so much time, money and effort that you want to see it through, even when it's not quite working.

She says a lot of my stuff is soporific. I'm talking about things to do with my mum and she's yawning her head off. I think she really feels my stuff, more than I do but it is disconcerting to have her falling asleep on me.

But I suppose I think that these things are coming up for a reason and if she's not the right person for me, she should be honest and tell me. I wonder if she is telling me by this breach.

I noticed her apology was distanced. She was sorry that seemingly I wasn't told rather then she was sorry that she didn't tell me.

I dunno. Therapy is so hard. Either it's difficult and that's great because you're working through important stuff or its difficult because its not working and making things worse! When do you find out which?
T tygrMember
Do you think 'seemingly not told' sounds like she can't quite believe she didn't tell me and really she thinks she did and I must've forgotten?

Because she absolutely, definitely didn't tell me. She made sure she told me about the July break every week for 3 or 4 weeks in advance so she had ample opportunity to mention the longer break too.
avoidantavoidantMember
quote:
sometimes I look at the people who have come into my life and helped me and decide it's all fate. At others I look at all the ones who have harmed me and change my mind!)


((Cat)) that reminds me of a quote I once heard:-

"God puts people in your life for a reason, and removes them from your life for a better reason"
puppetpuppetMember
quote:
Originally posted by tygr:
Do you think 'seemingly not told' sounds like she can't quite believe she didn't tell me and really she thinks she did and I must've forgotten?


hi tygr,
i think your T and my T went to the same 'how to write emails to clients' class. she is also so 'neutral' and vague, its maddening! i've also experienced the not taking direct responsibility/blame for something but just making it a 'possibility' to be discussed. i really dont get this, and i feel that maybe there is some sort of technique to do with not losing their 'authority'? i dont know, because for me this makes me lose respect for them. in person, she is much better about it though, if i am really upset about something she is willing to look at her part and say sorry. maybe its the having it in writing...? i dont know...

did she really say 'soporific'?? (i had to look that word up, but now i know a new word Smiler ) wtf? i dont know what to say about that. does she mean the way you speak about these things? just thinking because i tend to speak in boring monotone even about very (supposedly) emotional stuff. i cant think why she would say such a thing?

i hope you're coping ok and time goes quickly till the next session. it sounds like you two have a lot to talk about.

puppet
T tygrMember
Thanks for sharing that puppet. I read about other's warm and validating experiences from their Ts and get jealous. I don't really feel warm and held by her. It's a drier, more analytical relationship I suppose. I know she is trying to help me and I am attracted to her theoretical approach but I admit to be wobbling about it right now. She seems to be suggesting that I need something different/ in addition.


Yes, she said soporific but tbh it was a relief when she did as I'd spent months by then talking to her while she would be openly yawning at me! I used to find it disconcerting, wondered if she was overtired because of her age or what on earth was going on with her. To know that what I'm saying is evoking that strong reaction in her helps me. I quite often feel heavy, pulled down and slow - what I would consider my depressed state and I think she is able to feel that herself when I talk about the things that have made me depressed. I find that a powerful concept but I suppose we need to use that therapeutically so neither of us feel that way. It's not pleasant.

I saw T2 for my first session yesterday, which was interesting. I want to write more elsewhere but the main thing that stuck was her observation that I'd spent a long time talking about my anger at past events with therapists without really feeling it and the ability to connect with it is what is missing. I think she's right. I think it might end up that I work on anger with both of them. I think that where I'm up to in my journey , sorting out my relationship with anger is the most important thing.

Cat - thank you. There was a lot in your post and I'm still digesting it. Goals are important but I'm not sure what they are or even what they were without thinking about it.
T tygrMember
Hello

So, here we go again. Two weeks have passed and tomorrow I'm back to therapy. I sent her an email 10 days ago asking whether we could have an extended session tomorrow but I've had no response. It's a bank holiday in the UK today so perhaps she's considering that she's still on holiday and isn't checking or answering emails. Or, maybe it's a technique, I don't know.

I haven't been doing too well. I've been feeling very down and last night I was quite badly triggered on another forum and ended up snapping my glasses (that I wear everyday - I'm shortsighted) in two and twisting both arms. They're totally beyond repair and unwearable. I've been having lots of very violent and destructive urges and haven't always been able to contain them. Then I'm upset and ashamed.

I guess it's my wounded child taking over but she doesn't usually get so much control.

I'm scared I suppose. It isn't taking much to trigger me and the last session was so horrible, I really, really, really need a good session tomorrow.
T tygrMember
Thanks Cat

Yes, it's today. About 4 hours until I leave. I still haven't heard from her which is really odd. I have a slight dread that she wants to terminate me but I'm trying to dismiss that as an irrational fear. Funnily enough I suddenly felt a lot better last night and stayed up watching Honey Honey (the Abba song) YouTube videos until 4.30 am. I realise that this isn't exactly normal behaviour either but it beats the depression of the last few days.

Saw a GP just now and showed her my broken glasses, explained how I'd been feeling and how I was feeling depressed enough to ask for anti-depressants but she won't prescribe them because of what I've told her about my history. I'm awaiting a psych referral.

So, I'm off to the opticians to see how much new glasses will cost and have various other errands to do so luckily I won't have a lot of time to sit around with my anxiety building before this afternoon. I think I have to start with a warning that if she lets me leave uncontained again, I fear for my safety and we have to make sure I'm feeling good before I go. I can't handle another bad ending. Well, of course I can, but my nervous system is wrecked after the last two. My glasses even more so.

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