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22 replies

T Gave away my Tuesday Appointment

kmaykmayMember
I had a dream (well more a nightmare I guess) a few nights ago that when I finally worked up the courage to go back, that I would show up and she would have filled my appointment.

I Finally decided last night after talking to my Hubby that I would go. I went over everything in my head that I would talk to her about. I decided randomly today on the way to work to call and just confirm that she still had me set up for my regular time tomorrow. Left a message. Got a call back with a message. She said she had filled my appointment b/c she wasn't sure "what was up".....she offered me several other times and days but nothing for Tuesday, which is my normal day and the best day for me b/c I have a full staff at work so I can leave early. She knows this. I'm so confused. She cancelled on me two weeks ago. I was in a bad place about it, so I cancelled my next appointment with her. So then she automatically fills my normal appointment? Wtf??!! I'm done. I'm done with her and I am done with therapy.

I know that I have, in the past, made the mistake of allowing my emotions to run away with me on the assumptiont that T should be able to "read my mind" or understand all of emotions without me having to directly tell her. But I am sorry...this is not the same. I have spent EVERY Single session with her in the 2 and 1/2 months that I have been seeing her talking about my fear of abondonment and how I am convinced that old T was happy to get rid of me. I mean Jesus!...this is a repeat of what I cry about week after week to her. I torment myself about the decision I made to take a break from old T b/c then when I asked to come back, she said no. I am convinced that she was waiting for an out to get rid of me.

New T could not have done something worse by filling my regular day and time after the one time I cancel with her. She may as well have just confirmed all my fears from the first appointment and saved us both the time and me the money.

What a bunch of shit.
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greeneyesgreeneyesMember
Kmay
Hugs.
This is totally crap.
She is still willing to see you so I doubt she's trying to get rid of you. But I know that's little consolation when you feel so awful and hurt and fair enough too. I think she at least should have called to check whether you wanted the time or not before giving it away.
Please don't give up on therapy or yourself though Kmay. There are good T's out there
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
kmay... I'm so sorry this happened to you. I do agree with Green Eyes that it would have been considerate of her to check in with you about the appointment before giving it away but T's are not always great about managing schedules and/or understanding about the significance of a certain appointment. I do not think she wants to get rid of you. She offered you a few other appointments and she would not have done that if she wanted you to leave. She could have just said she had no open slots at this time.

I know you are upset and I would be too, but I want to ask you gently, to just consider that you may be looking for a good reason to run from her and from therapy. Changing T's under trying circumstances (such as bad endings with an oldT) is really difficult and I would understand if you were feeling like you would rather run than do this all over again. Believe me, I've been there too.

You should not give up on therapy or yourself. You deserve a good T and to heal. I hope it happens for you.

Hugs
TN
kmaykmayMember
Green Eyes, TN -

I know you guys are right. I am in a place I have never been in before. I feel so incredibly alone and sad and useless and unable to express myself properly. I have no sense of even feeling worthy of taking care of myself. I can't sort my thoughts out properly. I can't believe this is all happening right now. While I'm in the middle of the meds change which I am not even doing properly anyway as I am self medicating to manage the unpleasant symptoms of the meds change.
Your probably right TN. I probably am running. I wish I would smack straight into a brick wall and wake up a different person
yakusokuyakusokuMember
(((kmay))) I don't have much to add beyond what the others have said, but I know I would have been so hurt and scared. T forgot us on Friday and we've spent the last four days, plus the first half of my session paralyzed in fear that we finally became too much. In the end, I learned it was just T's own issues keeping track of everything going on, a mistake on his part. I started to feel safe again, but it took fighting through my hurt and fear to get there.
starlightstarlightMember
Hi Kmay,
I would try not to take it personaly that T gave away your time. I was just with T and we were doing paperwork because I am transferring from her hospital clinic to her private practice when she goes on maternity leave. It was still not finished and she said that someone had phoned this morning and cancelled their time for tomorrow and could I come back then to finish the papers.
Now if that person changes their mind and calls back their time is gone, but it is nothing to do with them, but just T's tight scheduling because she only works part time.
It was just an example that occurred this morning, but I am sure your T used the time because someone else needed it and she genuinly thought you did not want it. Frowner
Just trying to encourage you a bit!
L lieseMember
(((KMAY)))

Just wondering if the two of you ever had a discussion about the time slot, if it was your regular spot. Once he gives a slot, my T would never give it away to anyone else. If I cancelled one week, he wouldn't assume I wasn't coming the following week. It's just the way he is but they are all different. As Cat explained above, though, they didn't have the staff and resources to save slots for anyone where she worked and so we just can't assume anything in this situation until you talk to her.

The whole situation IS confusing because she cancelled on you two weeks ago and now this. If you do decide to go back just to talk to her to see what the heck is up with this woman, I wouldn't dismiss the idea that she might have some shortcomings that have nothing to do with you - and to really think hard if this is the type of therapy setup you want. Is she apt to do these types of things in the future?

I'd have a difficult time with this as well.

kmaykmayMember
Thanks for your support Friends.

Cat,
Yes, she is private.

Starlight,
My Appointment was always on Tuesdays at 3:30pm. We had a very clear discussion on that. I cancelled last Tuesday only. I called yesterday to confirm we were still on for today and that is when she told me that she filled my slot. Frowner

Liese,
quote:
Just wondering if the two of you ever had a discussion about the time slot, if it was your regular spot. Once he gives a slot, my T would never give it away to anyone else. If I cancelled one week, he wouldn't assume I wasn't coming the following week.
- Yes, we had a very clear disucession about it. She confirmed that was my slot going forward and I was even supposed to pick up a Dr note from her at my next appointment stating that I would be leaving work early every Tuesday for this appointment. Frowner

I get that things happen. I get that there are emergencies or people that are in crisis. But I don't get her at least not calling me first to see if I was still coming to my next appointment. I only cancelled one. I didn't tell her I was not coming back. When she left me the message telling me my slot was gone, she left about 4 or 5 other options for this week. So clearly, she had other openings to offer whoever she gave my slot to. Why not call me first to work out something that works for both of us instead of just giving it away? I wasn't even going to call yesterday to confirm. Can you imagine if I would have shown up for my appointment and all of this would have played out in person? Frowner

The thing that is hitting me hardest is that I feel like everything I have shared with her so far, (which I'm sure all of you can understand was not easy for me to do), means nothing. It leaves me feeling that she has no understanding of me at all. Or maybe she just cannot relate how cancelling on me and then giving my slot away after I canceled would affect me and that is not going to work for me. I'm just so tired of it all. I don't want to look for another T.
L lieseMember
(((KMAY)))

I'm with you on this one. It doesn't bode well for the future. She either doesn't value consistency or commitment enough within the therapeutic relationship or she's just simply flaky.

I do hope you will come to realize it wasn't personal and maybe, when you are feeling stronger, you might think about finding someone else who can give you more consistency.

heldincompassionheldincompassionMember
Kmay,

Not to be a downer, but in my experience (granted with just one T) it does not get better. If a T does not understand on their own the importance of consistency for secure attachment, distress and complaints from a client are unlikely to make them change their ways. On the occasions I've made a fuss about it (which I actually don't do, most of the time) T has offered "empathy", but nothing has changed.

What are you describing sounds very much like a "proceed at your own risk" scenario to me. Maybe it will be worth it, maybe not, but I agree she had more than enough info on you to have known that she should have handled this more sensitively-- at least to have called and told you she was filling your spot. Frowner

Hope you are doing okay.
D daisyMember
kmay, I'm sorry I know how much this must hurt. My T did this to me once after he had been seeing me for 18 months and one week when I came to confirm for the next week he had someone else in my slot! I was so hurt that I couldn't say anything. When I did finally tell him I was hurt he aplogised and explained he had made a mistake with scheduling.

As your communication so far has been leaving messages for each other I wonder how she would respond if you told her how this has affected you. If she apologies, explains what has happened and understands how much this has hurt you then maybe you can get past the hurt to keep working her. If, on the other hand she doesn't understand how this has impacted you then maybe it is right to run away.

Not sure if any of this helps but all I really wanted to say is that I understand how hurtful this is.

Daisy
puppetpuppetMember
(((((kmay)))))
i'm so sorry this happened again! last thing you need and definetely don't deserve... Frowner i really thought she knew better from what you had said in the beginning about her...

unless it's a misunderstanding in some way (did she for some reason think that you might not come back or you would let her know when you did?) or a one-off type of human error...? otherwise i don't really know what to say, she sounds way too clueless or completely useless with scheduling (which is very important actually). Frowner

i hope that you can go back at least to understand what happened - and then you can decide how to go on from here. you deserve to know and understand what happened, and she owes you at least a clear explanation + much more! maybe it wont be so difficult to go back for this, now that you don't have any expectations of her.


puppet
sdsdMember
I need to stop reading posts on this forum as they tend to happen to me in real life. After 97 odd sessions with my T I have some serious issues with her- a rupture - i have cancelled sessions but we are talking about it and I cancek the next one or so. so i then ask her to reinstate some for a month down the track and she tells me they have all been cancelled. When I never actually asked for them to be.

Certainly NOT feeling the love. so easily replaced.

I would have turned up next week and been very upset by it.

Somedays.
kmaykmayMember
Hey Guys -

Sorry I haven't updated. Been out of sorts a bit. I have decided to not go back for now. I am taking a therapy break. It's going ok so far.
I started a diet/healthy eating plan today. I don't have a ton of weight to lose but I know it will help me feel better overall.
I have two more weeks of my meds wean and I am proud that I am doing it on my own.
I emailed with old T last week and got some closure that I needed and I think that has helped me to feel more stable.
I'm still struggling with several things but overall I'm doing okay.
Thank you so much for checking in Smiler

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