Just an FYI, really sensitive talking about this, because I am constantly projecting people will think I'm crazy or lying...but this is just how I experience myself (and I'm sure there are others who can relate), so I'm trying not to worry about what everyone thinks. I've always been this way and never taken the time to think about my internal experience enough until therapy, especially since I did a pretty good job locking down certain ways of being before seeing T.

OK, so a recent phone session (two weeks ago, I think) and my last office session, my parts/states have come up. I'm finally feeling less ridiculous being open with T about how I experience myself inside, admitting the extent of my "inner chatter" or "Greek chorus" as I call it, how all the not-me stuff feels, etc. It's not that I was hiding it before, but I think I tended to downplay it a lot as "just a way I get sometimes," which is kind of a lie, since it's how I am all the time. So, both times, T has asked me if I can name some of these parts/states. Both times I refused, because I don't really know what he's asking.

The first time, we were only talking about a really freaked out, needy, self-destructive state I get into. After I told him I couldn't name it (that I could identify how I see my behavior when I'm in that state--Victim--but the word was derogatory in my mind), T said it seems to him really toddler-like, Boo's age...so for the sake of that conversation, we were discussing the wounded toddler, I guess.

The second time (Monday night), we were talking about two groups of parts, with both of us recognizing that there are more than just two, but for the sake of the conversation, two sufficed. We were discussing how self-destructive I feel about heading into therapy and how that is related to all my feelings and needs that are directed at T. Basically, the parts that feel that way are OK with needing him (though it is really scary to them) and then there are other parts who keep me from approaching by being VERY abusive regarding my feelings toward him, usually verbally berating me...and then I end up with certain self-destructive suggestions in form of words, sensations, images resulting from that internal interaction. Anyway, T asked if I could name those (groups) of parts for him, to make the conversation easier, but I refused (because I wasn't sure what he meant by it), so he said, "Let's just call them the kids and the parents for now."

So, my question is, has your T ever asked you to "name" parts for him/her? If so, what do you think your T was asking for? I wonder if my T even knows what he is asking for or if he's just kind of floating the question out there and seeing what I come up with. Some of the below is edited down from my journal, so maybe T will answer these questions when he has time to read it...probably not unless I actually bring it up in session.

Is T asking for their functionality (what role they play)? Is he asking what emotion they usually present with? Is he asking for a description of what they seem like (age, sex, attachment status, spiritual status, etc.)? Is he asking for a literal name? Each of those things is probably something I could start to identify. The last (an actual name) would be a bit more difficult, because while I have had names randomly surface (AAAH, I feel ridiculous) while concentrating on a particular state or part or whatever, I have been very resistant and non-receptive to those thoughts. Why? Because giving names feels like giving power. It feels like it means I accept that these experiences are true and I can only manage to do that some of the time. Some of the time, I think I am completely delusional to feel divided like I do. I don’t remember a time in my life where there was not internal dialog mitigating my experiences of both the outside and my own inner world. Yet, to let them be distinctive, to give them the personhood that comes with a name and the voice (i.e. influence) that comes from that personhood feels at once ridiculous and terrifying.

Ugh, feel really embarrassed sharing all of this, but also just trying to understand why T keeps asking me for names. And if it means anything that he uses the word "name" instead of "label" or asking me to "identify" or "categorize" or any other less personal word. It certainly would be easier to talk about these things with him if I could identify what part/state/way of being we are dealing with in a given circumstance, so I get why he is asking for it. I don't know why I feel so resistant to owning that role of naming or labeling my experience. T often identifies me by ages, saying when something I do or say in session or how I look seems like a teenager, for example. But, if he were asking for ages or types, name doesn't seem the right word to use. Over-analyzing a bit? Probably. I just want to learn to cooperate with him on this, but it is scary for some reason.

Needing someone to relate to here.