It sucks when Ts change things, I'm sorry!

My T had me start asking her when I needed a call back, instead of her calling back sorta by default for a while (wasn't always like this - I asked for a long time before then).

Anyhow... I think it's so we learn to identify our needs and seek to successfully get them met. For example, you may be feeling like you need a hug in another situation and need to skills to ask for it - or anything really (a held hand, a warm cup of water, for someone to leave you alone, etc) from other people. T is a safe place for us to practice. I'm sure your T would love to offer and give you hugs but using it to help you develop a skill is okay too.

Nobody can know what you need - they can guess and there are of course generally accepted social patterns (like a hug to sooth someone) but it's not a rule. Sometimes people don't want to be touched... And it can come all of a sudden. Being able to say no (or not ask on purpose) are good skills.

My Ts offer and I ask for touch. I do say no. I do touch work (all session doing somatic touch work) and during that I need to interrupt to just not be touched. It's powerful to know yourself and your body. Even if you will always want one, it's okay to learn to ask!! One day you'll find someone you want a hug from who won't know to offer.

When my T went back to me asking her to return my calls... I figured she hated me and didn't want me to call her and that I was so needy. I understand... And she had to go through the I need to learn how to ask for what I want/need and using that is helping me get through shame and learn. She actually asked for this change after a conference... that reminded her of a way I could benefit to announcing my needs in my own voice rather than giving someone permission to think of what I need.

My T and I always end a session with a hug, no matter whether it has been a good or bad session. It is a given.

During a session when i am upset, my T will sometimes ask me if I need a hug - I mostly say yes. Other times I have learnt to ask her for a hug or I might ask her to sit close to me.

Sometimes I really need a hug or I am upset and my T doesn't offer and I forget to ask or am not aware of my needs as I am so dysregulated. That is when I get confused as sometimes my T asks and sometimes she doesn't. I think it is all about training me to identify what I need from her and to ask. I am improving.

SD

Fuzzball,
I went through this with my T over emails (he has a no hugs rule, I asked for one and he said no). He told me that I hadn't asked for a response and I told him that he knew I always wanted a response. And he told me that I was trying to protect myself from asking for what I needed and risking hearing no. That it was important to learn to ask for what I needed.

When we are very young, our caregiver should be so attuned that they figure out what we need and provide it. Then during development, they teach us how to identify our own needs and how to ask for what we need. If we never had that, we can still be looking for it. So if we have to ask, it can feel like it doesn't count if we get it because if they really cared we shouldn't have had to ask. But in reality, adults are responsible for their own needs, which includes expressing them, and the act of love is someone responding when we ask and providing what we asked for. So I totally understand your feelings, but think your T is trying to teach you something (that is extremely difficult and painful to learn as an adult).

There's a post on my blog that might help you understand: Learning developmental skills: Identifying and Expressing needs

I don't think this is about your T not wanting to hug you at all, but I totally understand why it feels that way.

AG

Fuzzball,

I know it can feel like murder to ask for anything, but at least you can take some comfort in knowing that the answer will be "yes" when you do!

Thanks everyone for your replies. I saw my T today. Got up enough courage to talk about it. I asked if he offers his other clients hugs and he says occasionally he does. I asked then why not me? He said because I was disappointed when he did not offer one when I was wanting one. So this way there is no confusion. But I've told him in several emails and in session I always want a hug. I said what if I ask and you aren't wanting one? He said he will say no and I said and you do know how that will make me feel. He said yes. But at the end of session I got up enough courage and said, well I need a hug now. For part of it we even got to sit outside which I like very much! He says he doesn't do that very much so it makes me feel good that he gets to get outside of his office for a bit to enjoy the weather. Last time he said thank you for the sunshine. It was an ok session but I have so many insecurities with him. Too many I think he hates me. Which is actually becoming interfering. Sigh. Therapy is hard.

Thanks Daggers! . It's still hard knowing he offers to his other clients and he won't to me. All because I was honest how I felt when he didn't. But you are right I'll learn to ask others when I need help, because this I know I don't!
Everyone on here is great! I just never have good advice to give yet....