(((Liese))) I so know what you mean. T has been very responsive to me lately. He has gotten back to me so carefully in my recent texts and been so encouraging and supportive, finally understanding some stuff he hadn't been getting. And what happens? I feel better for about a millisecond and then I feel much MUCH worse. I texted him today that I was frustrated that his kindness is so painful to me. I guess this is where the mourning part comes into play? But, honestly, I don't need to re-experience wanting and needing care and closeness I can't have. I wouldn't have dissociated from this stuff in the first place (to the point where I still have no memory of ever actually wanting it from my caregivers) if it was something I wanted to experience. If this is how painful it was for me as an infant, toddler, young child...I really can't blame myself for boxing this stuff up into not-me spaces.

I try to take hope from others who are further along in this journey that through the recognition of this pain, our losses and mourning what we cannot have, it does get better.

Yaku,

Yes, that's exactly it. I feel better for a millisecond and then it hits me like a ton of bricks that it's something I can't have. I feel like hitting my head against the wall. How does your T respond to you when you tell him his kindness makes it much worse.

I was assuming too this is the mourning part. God, it sucks. I don't know what to do with my grief.

I know what you mean, but I have to admit that even though it hurts to know that we can't "have" them, it feels sooooo good knowing that they aren't going to hurt us. I guess I'd rather not have someone who cant hurt me than to have someone who can. If that makes any sense at all.

Well, if it is by text, he usually stops responding, because I have indicated his responses are painful/unhelpful at the moment. The few times I have expressed this comment in person or in a phone session, he kind of just tries to express his understanding of the feelings I am having, like (this isn't something he has said, because I can't remember exact words, but just an example, "It sounds like you feel trapped, because you feel pain no matter how attuned and connected we are, sometimes even moreso." And then I feel all understood and received and it hurts more again.

Lg,

I don't know why it bothers me so much. I'm closer to T than I am to anyone in the world. I talk to him more than I talk to anyone else in the world. Even if I was married to him, I wouldn't see him all that much because he puts in four long days and has a busy life outside of the office - although that's the picture he paints for me. I should be thankful that I've gotten to know this amazing human being who is hopefully going to help me reach my potential. Why can't I see it that way? Instead, I'm sorry right now that I ever met him. Oh, poor me. I'll get over it!!

Hey UV,

Different, in a good way? Yes, I guess I am in love with him. Is it a good sign? That I'm fixable? I felt so sad when I read a post about it being a good sign because it means you have a healthy core. It seems that it took me a long time to fall in love with him. I guess my core is damaged, huh? And, here comes the stupid question, what happens when core is damaged???

Wait a second...its a good thing if we fall in love with our Ts?

LG, After I sort of confessed, then I felt ashamed and embarrassed and had to place an emergency call to T. He told me it was "essential" for my therapy. UV could tell us more. UV??

Well I understand that attachment is necessary for therapy....but "love"? That scares me. Is it necessary to love in order to attach, perhaps?

LG,

We'll need AG, UV, or TN to help us with the "love" vs. "attachment" stuff.

Not to worry about going off topic. That is so sad, about not loving your Mom. I feel the same way about mine and it is very hard to admit. My mom wasn't physically abusive just the emotional neglect stuff, insensitivity, dismissiveness, denial, let my brother take on a parenting role at my expense, just silly things likes that, etc., that, because I am so used to it, is so much harder for me to put my finger on. I am so old and yet I was hanging onto this shred of hope that maybe we could really be close. But we're such different people and she doesn't have the ability to recognize the difference. If she could just say, I'm so sorry, it might make a difference. But I think in her mind, she and I are one and I have to endure whatever pain she endured/endures.

Is T2 a Mom? She often cries when you tell her painful things, right?

Hey, LG, do you like my new avatar? There weren't a lot of choices. I was worried that it might come across as too intense, like too much eye contact???

quote:

But I think in her mind, she and I are one and I have to endure whatever pain she endured/endures.

wow, that hit me hard. Very powerful words. It makes me thinks about how my mom tries to live out her unfulfilled dreams through me and then resents me for not playing along....I think she thinks we are one, as you have said here and I am supposed to be her second chance at a better life.

I like your new avatar. Its sort of flirty and playful.

Oh, and yes, T2 is a mom. She is close with her daughter.

quote:

LG: I think it is also possible that your T was moved to tears at your revelation that you don't love your mother because she is sad for you. You may not be in a place to feel sad for yourself, but as she knows you as a person and as a fellow human being it wouldn't surprise me if she was sad for you that the relationship isn't what it should be.

STRM

STRM,
I think you are correct. I kept saying, "I feel guitly for not loving her" and T2 kept challenging me on that (in a gentle way) by asking me if perhaps it was more like sadness rather than guilt. So perhaps she was picking up on the sadness of the situation.