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6 replies

T is on break - but the little little girl is starving

LittlemeLittlemeMember
25 days until she comes back... just 25 days... insurmountable 25 days... How will I survive? Those 9 days since I last saw her seem like eternity.

I´m totally dependent on her, arg I hate it. I don't like depending on anybody for anything, I want to be strong, but I miss her so much.

I´ve been in therapy with her for almost 4 years now. It took me very long time to learn to trust her. Springtime 2010 I realized that I was transferencing with her, and last summers 6 week break was hell, so was the 28 days christmas vacation.

Isn´t this supposed to get better? Why do I still feel so vulnerable?

When she leaves me I become an infant, in grown ups body. I am so scared, I wake up crying in the night and I´m so nervous, often I think someone has broken into my apartment and I can´t sleep. I´m also scared that she will never come back and I´m terrified that she will die.

During the day I have to switch to adult mode. My 6 year old daughter is on school vacation, and she will be staying with me until next Thursday. I try to do fun things with her. But I still imagine people, walking or cycling by my house, to be my T. Just like a little child hoping for their mum to come home. I also google her and her H, hoping for some news, and today I walked by her house... I am going crazy.

I try to feed this hungry little girl inside me by looking at the photos I´ve collected of T in my computer. I also listen to her voice in my relaxation audio files she sent me before the break, and sometimes I smell the little clothbag she put around the necklace she gave me (I keep it in a vacuum box).
What else can I do? Any Ideas???
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LittlemeLittlemeMember
Thanks for the hug deepfried I really needed it (even tough I´m not good at accepting them in real life).

Yes maybe I should try writing, I used to write a lot, and my T read it... then something happened, don´t really know what it was, I think it was something she said, something told me she didn´t want to read all this bullshit I was writing... so I stopped completely, because I was hurt.

But she doesn´t have to read, it has a purpose of it´s own, it might help regulate me.

Thank you deepfried.
scaredtoriskmyselfscaredtoriskmyselfCo-moderator
(((Moomin)))

My goodness that is a long break. It sounds like your T takes many long breaks throughout the year. That is really rough. I like DF suggestion of writing. Even if you don't give it to her it might help. I write my T a lot. Sometimes I give it to her and sometimes not, but it usually helps. I hope the remaining time passes as quickly as possible.

LittlemeLittlemeMember
Thank you Ninn, scaredtoriskmyself and kashley. Your replies mean a lot to me.
I also love those hug-smileys. They look so cute all three of them hugging me!!!

Yes this is a very long break, don´t your T´s take long breaks?
I think those breaks adversely affect my therapy because the little girl inside me becomes so hurt and it takes time to trust completely again.

Last easter it was different though. The break was hard and I had to stay in phsych ward for a week. Then T came to the ward for our appointment. I can´t remember what we talked about, I was a complete mess when she came. But afterwards I felt such a relief. I was overwhelmed with happiness. Maybe even a little too happy. T told me later that one of the doctors on the ward thought I might have bipolar 2.

I am trying to write, but something has happened with my writing, I find it uncomfortable to write, maybe I´ll get used to writing again if I just try to write a little each day.

Writing here is good (even though it takes time translating it from my language, and sometimes I can´t find the right words).
Your replies have been a good help and they make me feel less alone.

Tomorrow I´ll go and see a woman that was my T (kind of) 14 years ago. I´ve been seeing her on and off since then. I care about her, even though she used to hurt me a lot, when she could´t handle my transference towards her back then.

I will also meet my psychiatrist tomorrow but my relationship with him is a bit cold and distant.

I´ve survived 11 days „Just“ 23 to go.

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