So, T sent me a text saying could I do 9:00 pm on Tuesday. I sent back, "Yes." Then started projecting horrible thoughts like how he is so tired from my neediness and BS that seeing me Monday makes Tuesday too difficult to deal with. I almost texted that I quit or wanted to skip (because I was "sure" he was wishing I would) instead of dealing with it. Instead, I let him know what I was projecting and that I knew it wasn't true, but it felt real, and that I was texting to "deny" the power of that transferred condemnation. Anyway, he then (wisely) felt it necessary to warn me that he was canceling all his Monday appointments (I was not scheduled yet) and might have to cancel Tuesday as well, because he is sick with the flu and doesn't want to spread it. So, I'm selfishly praying he gets all better tomorrow, because I'm literally not sure I can deal with a two week gap at this point. I'm barely dealing with one week! Not that I don't actually wish him to get better just because I care about him, but it would be a bonus to not miss this week's appointment.

I'm assuming he wouldn't have given me this info if he didn't judge correctly what a last minute cancellation would have done to my mental state. I apologized and thanked him for being so careful with me and said I hoped he felt better soon. I really don't know how I will go a whole other week. I'm taking on a a temporary childcare client in March starting Tuesday (55 hours per week) and I've been struggling so much. I feel ridiculous for overreacting, but I feel like I need to see him to make it. And he's been sick since last Wednesday and I feel like $#!+ for all the texts he's had to deal with and for him taking the time to text back. Back to burdensome feelings and shame and wanting to punish. Ugh, I wish I had shopped and picked a T I can't do this whole needy/dependent/transference thing with. Or a cheaper one who lives in my area so I could get multiple appointments per week if need be. This sucks!