I went to my session last night. We did our chitchat stuff. He had a cancellation the two hours before my session and no one the hour before me, and he admitted he had needed the rest. The couple of times I started talking about real stuff, he had this reaction. I thought it was a reaction to what I was saying at first, but it was just him not feeling well and realizing his focus wasn't there. He felt so bad about me driving so far (almost two hours round trip) to see him that he didn't want to let me go early, but eventually had to. I wasn't mad or sad about going. It felt very connected, because when someone else is feeling bad/vulnerable, I feel very safe connecting. It's only when my own needs/vulnerability comes into play that I panic about connection. I did OK with it. Sad, because I miss him, but mostly just have been fighting off this intense need to caretake. I didn't force my leaving on him to take care of him, but just said I was OK going early and knew it wasn't my job to take care of him and was honest about those feelings coming up. Like, I wanted to get him soup or give him a comforting hand or something. And it sucks, because anyone else I am close to in my life, I would do it, but I held myself back and it hurts. He is fine with all my expressions of hope for his well-being and my praying for him and my feelings of wanting to bring him soup and comfort him. He agrees that they are normal and labeled them "sweet" and "compassionate" and "endearing." So, it's something he thinks is positive about me, even if I can't act on them, and even if there is a pathological component to them.

Everything is OK, but I am just...missing my T...and feeling bad, because even though I couldn't have gotten him sick (I have been better for too long), maybe H did on Monday. He rested early last night, since I left over an hour earlier than usual. And he canceled a few things this morning. But, his schedule is booked and he's doing all the disability stuff for me and I'm just wishing, since I know he is seeing some clients in the office on Friday, that I could SEE him Friday too. Obviously, I won't ask. He offered Skype. When he has been able and thinks it is necessary and/or beneficial to do a Friday in person, he will offer it. I trust that if I absolutely needed it, it would be there for me, unless he just couldn't do it. But, I don't NEED it. I just want to see him, because it's a very hard week.

It sucks. I just keep having this need to tell him I'm praying for him (he actually asked me to, which was nice), to wish him well, to make a crockpot full of chicken soup for H (who is still sick) and set aside some to bring him on Monday. I know I go overboard with people when they aren't feeling well, because I didn't have a lot of that for many years, and also because it was one of my jobs at home, especially with younger siblings. It's stirring up these feelings of care for him like crazy and I have to dissociate the POSITIVE feelings to not go anxious over being unable to express them to the level that I have them. Like, he's sick and it might be overwhelming to him if I were doing it.

Also, I think there is part of me who is freaked out he won't be well enough cared for and will be sick for a long time or something bigger is wrong. Illogical stuff, but it's like some sort of rush to help him and if I can't to make sure he is like filled up with knowledge and awareness of the amount of care I have for him, in case I lose my chance to express it.

Worse, I've almost lost a parent before due to a horrible car accident and I didn't feel any of these things at the time. I went into caretaking mode, but it was like a to do list for me more than anything else. Not that I didn't care, but it wasn't such a deep, stirring experience for me. It was more like some sort of program I was executing in response to parental needs. So automatic. With T, it is...I don't know how else to explain it...this sort of integrated experience because he has connection with so MUCH of me, as opposed to my own parents only being allowed access to the parts who minimize my needs and take care of theirs.

I'm not sure why I'm sharing all this, but I can't unload it on him while he's sick without feeling awful, so I just wanted to put it somewhere and hope you guys can relate, normalize for me or something.

(((hugs))) for reading. Thanks!