A few of you may have read that my T will be moving mid-summer very very far away from me. Although she is open to continued periodic contact (most likely by email) and I might even get to see her again for a session when she comes back to visit, she will no longer be my T. I am having so much difficulty accepting this and feel like I am lost emotionally. I find myself lost in thoughts of "how can I get her to stay" instead of "how can I cope with this loss." The pain scares me so much that my brain just cannot get to where I can accept it. Sometimes dying actually sounds like the better option. I know people here have been through losing Ts and many of them have been much more traumatic. I so feel for all of you who have been through it. This is heartwrenching enough. I really don't know how I am going to say goodbye to her and still hold her in my mind with the love I feel for her now. Even when I have to go a week without seeing her, I start to feel angry toward her. I find I am suddenly reminded of every time she said something that felt hurtful to me, or answered an email inadequately, or took too long to respond to an email or vm, or maybe just looked at me in a way that brought her care into question. I am not able to recall the feeling of her care as readily even after a week. What will happen when she is gone? I am so completely attached that I actually wish I could just shrink and curl up on her shoulder and be with her always. I know....pathetic. I need to be able to carry her "love" with me when she leaves, but how? It doesn't help that I have no idea how to lose something in a healthy way. I have never dealt with a loss, and have only pushed the pain away in the past. I feel like I am being blown around in a tornado. I don't know what I am supposed to do. I feel completly out of control. How do you know when you are actually processing through something as opposed to dwelling in it? Everytime I feel sad and especially when I feel angry, I hear judgment about it and I push it away and get mad at myself for not being over it already. It has been almost 2 moths since she told me about her impending move and it has not gotten easier. I am afraid she will at some point soon, tell me enough is enough....deal with it. I have never been able to get over things the way others seem to, so I have always just avoided instead.
To make things harder, T is about to go on a vacation (to her new city ) that will mean a 2 week break between sessions. I have never gone that long and I am scared it will cause a major shift for me and I won't be able to re-connect when she is back. My old patterns of -- She's not looking so get the hell out fast -- kick in after 4-5 days as feelings of anger and sometimes just apathy. How am I going to deal with 2 weeks? I know it would be easier to handle if she weren't moving in a few months. It will be a reminder that soon this awful feeling of missing and longing for her will not be soothed by her return. Soon she will just be gone.... Sometimes I wonder if I am just causing myself more suffering by staying with her. Is that the protector part of me that works so hard to push her away or is that reality? I don't know.
Sorry this post is so rambly. My thoughts are completely disorganized and I am exhausted.
seablue