I'm so sorry that you are without a T again, LL. But for what it's worth, it seems like your time with this T gave you a lot better of a perspective of what you want and need from your therapy. Though I'm sorry it had to come at this sort of cost.

I just want to say something in regards to what your T said about negativity. A therapist's job is to accept any and every feeling that a client has, experience it, get deeper into the person's inner world, but still keep a foot in their own world. If your T did this, then she wouldn't be worried about becoming the 'negative object' because she should always try to stay in touch with herself and know whether her feelings are really hers or if she's feeling what you are. So if you're feeling angry, she should experience that anger and validate it, but she should still remain supportive and caring and positive toward you. In my opinion, if she does all of her therapy with that perspective (avoiding negativity so she doesn't become a negative object), she's really hindering the entire process. I'm adding this as an edit, but I just wanted to say that I don't really like associating anger with negativity (but I used the word negativity a lot), because I think in the context that you are talking about, LL, it is actually a very positive thing. Just wanted to clear that up.

Anyway, I'm really glad that you already have another appointment. Make sure to let us know how it goes. And keep us updated on how you are. ((((LL))))

LL - I'm so sorry. I don't think you are beyond therapy or anything. I'm kind of baffled at any T who DOESN'T expect to experience their client's anger. Despite my T being confused when I make all manner of strange, ridiculous projections concerning how much he hates me, he has always encouraged me to get to my anger and to be completely honest with my feelings, even (or I should say especially) as regards him. He doesn't always get it perfect, but there are Ts out there who see the value of working with their client's anger, even when it is directed at them. I hope you do see the referral T and keep looking. You are working hard and asking so many challenging questions of yourself on here. I can't imagine that there isn't a T somewhere out there for you who just "fits." ((((LL)))) Please keep posting here as you work through all the feelings and frustrations that come up through this process.

LL,
I can imagine how frustrating and perhaps defeating it feels to have to start over yet again with another T. However, I think this experience with this past has been valuable and worthwhile for you. It seems that you have really gotten clear with yourself about what you need in a therapist. You've learned to set boundaries and walk away when you aren't getting your needs met. I think this is wonderful!

I think its also very cool that the T she referred you to was someone you tried to work with a while back. I hope it works out. Keep us posted.

(((LL))) so sorry you are fighting this black despair again.

I wanted to ask you a question to clarify what has been going on with T not accepting your anger. Is this T unwilling to hear any anger you have about her, even if you own it as your own stuff instead of labeling it as gospel truth? In other words, is it the anger she objects to, or is it only how you express it which she objects to? Do you say things to T like, "I feel this way when you do [blank]," or "I am bothered by what you said/did because it seems [blank]...", or "I am afraid that you think [blank]". Those are statements where you are using "I" messages to share how you experience her, while not insisting that it is necessarily true for her or claiming you know what her thoughts/intentions/feelings really are. Or do you tend to express your anger in a more direct, accusing way, such as, "I know you said/did [blank] on purpose" or "I know you feel [blank] about me (e.g., you don't like me, you don't care, you think I'm lazy, etc)." I ask because this is the trap I got caught up in with my T. She didn't like to hear my anger either, but only because I used projection to push her away, deciding for myself how she thought and felt whether it was true or not. I have been trying hard to own my thoughts and feelings as my own, and I am learning that my T is willing to hear my anger when I do that. I am learning that I can be legitimately angry at T for not meeting certain needs, without projecting onto her a false reason for why she is not meeting that need. I couldn't tell by your post if this is the case for you and your T as well.

((((LL))))) I was so sorry to read this, I know how hard you have been working trying to heal and how discouraging it must be to have this happen. I hope that you can see the new T. It might be good to just lay out what has happened with all the other Ts and get it out in the open early on. I do agree that your T should be able to hear your anger.

AG

((LL))
I am so sad this has happened to you but do agree with others that something so much better must be coming - you've learned so much and progressed so far and probably challenged this T!! I'm thinking that you may go from all these bad experiences and find a true healing T, much like our dear True North has done!!

Keep looking forward - healing and acceptance of yourself will happen because you want it to happen and are prepared to put in the effort!!

Be kind to yourself!
x Morgs

Thank you so much everyone – it makes me feel a whole lot better hearing what you have to say to me and especially the unstinting support and understanding you are giving me.


Kashley thankyou. You’ve put into words exactly why I was so confused about my T’s explanations of being the bad object – I too would expect a good T to keep a foot in their own world while still entering mine, and be able to work out when what they feel is their stuff, or mine. It totally screwed me up having to relate to her as if this were some normal real world relationship, where most of the time I had to keep monitoring the effect of what I was saying in case it upset/offended/alienated her. And your edit made me smile because yes, despite anger being perceived as a ‘negative’ emotion to me it’s positive, the more I’m feeling forced to experience it as unacceptable and bad and wrong, the more I dig my heels in and go, screw you this is a BIG part of me and I’m not killing it off for anything – I’ve spent most of my life controlling squashing trying to transform and change my anger and all that’s done is alienate me even further from myself. Oh for a T who viewed anger as good and positive and desirable for its own sake, instead of something that can only be tolerated in a greater cause.


Yaku thanks. From what I’ve read of your recent posts, your T sounds like a very accepting and understanding man and I envy you that you are able to throw all sorts of apparently unreasonable and irrational stuff at him and he doesn’t bite back but accepts it and you and lets you work through it with him. And I agree, it seems totally off the wall that a T wouldn’t expect to experience their client’s anger. I suppose there are degrees of expectation though, maybe all T’s expect anger on a (very) occasional basis, but aren’t prepared to countenance it on an ongoing basis?


DF thank you too for your sympathy and understanding. Lol transference is what this is all about – it wouldn’t take a genius T to work out that the depth and amount of my angry feelings have to stem from stuff in the past, and if a T worked with transference (as my T said she did) I’d fully expect them to accept that they’re going to become stand ins for past figures and not take it as a personal indictment of them. What makes me really sad is that after the termination session when I was thinking about it all (as you do!) I realized quite clearly that I was wanting to vent onto T a lot of the rage I feel towards my mother, that she’d become – without my being consciously aware of it – a stand in for my mother. That the more caring and kind she was trying to be the more it reminded me of my fake mother, offering caring and kindness not for ME, but so she would get to be seen as caring and kind. Considering I’d already told her a lot about my mother and that she reminded me of my mother (the good mother image) I have to ask why didn’t she make the connection herself?

Lol I also realized that my transference pattern is so boringly predictable – any male T ends up being my father, any female T who is remotely kind and caring becomes my mother, and any female T who is strong and unbending and emotionally distant becomes my wicked stepmother.

As for how my T reacted in last session, I don’t think it was any surprise to her – she’d already explained over several different sessions that she was in a constant dilemma not knowing how best to proceed with me, not knowing what next to do, how best to help me. (All of which contributed to keeping me permanently freaked out on an ongoing basis!) So if I hadn’t called it quits I believe it wouldn’t have been long before she would have done so. She was very nice and understanding about it all, and kindly got me the referral the very next day, which I really appreciated. And yes I’ll be going to see referral T, because one of the things my T was looking for in a referral T was whether they would be prepared to take anger at them. Apparently this T is ok with that, well we shall see next week.


LG you’ve just given me something really positive out of all this sorry repetitive stuff I keep finding myself in – by saying I’ve set a boundary that allows me to walk away when my needs aren’t being met. I needed to hear that, thankyou. Because the way I see it is that when I do hold out for what I need and want, I inevitably end up with nothing – and that’s a very black place indeed, so that it would take a huge amount of courage my god did I just use a positive word about myself wonders will never cease - for me to walk away, especially from someone who also is offering lots of goodies… I will hold onto your words because I’m going to need as much positive stuff as I can get to see me through the next x amount of time… thank you!



MH you’ve asked some very pertinent questions. When I first brought up the subject of my being angry at T and would she accept it (and me!) I am pretty sure she understood me to mean something like being abusive and chucking furniture around the room. I bent over backwards trying to explain that that wasn’t my ‘style’ – I don’t name call or get violent, though I can imagine getting very critical and saying things in a way that can be pretty accusing. But what I envisaged was my feeling free and safe to say in the moment whenever it came up stuff like ‘I feel pretty pissed off when you just said that’ or ‘I don’t like what you just said’ or ‘that really winds me up’ or stuff like, ‘I need/want x or y or z and you’re NOT GIVING IT’ … yeah effectively using ‘I’ statements. In fact most of the way I express anger is to say ‘I’m feeling pretty/quite/very/exceptionally defensive right now…’ as a controlled way to alert T (or anyone in real world) to stop and check out what’s going on. I’m a talker not an expresser, it takes a lot for me to actually express a feeling, I’m far too quick to turn it into words almost before the feeling comes into awareness…

But I was aware of just how much anger I’m capable of feeling on a pretty ongoing basis, so it wasn’t going to be just once in a while in the occasional session and that’s what I was trying to get clear with her. (Secretly I also wanted to know that I had the option that if I did lose it and needed to do a bit of out of control yelling that that wouldn’t destroy the therapy.) I know very well how bloody difficult it is to have someone constantly picking you up as if every single thing you say and do is wrong or incorrect so I understood perfectly what she meant about refusing to become the ‘bad object’ – but I assumed it would be pretty obvious that if that were the case, it had to be something in me, and not something that T was doing ‘wrong’.

In fact she’d agreed that if I could bring up whenever I felt she was doing something ‘wrong’ in the moment itself, we could deal with it there and then (as opposed to my going off and getting all uptight and angry in retrospect). Which is one reason I persevered so long, because she was effectively giving me a modicum of permission to at least say sometimes if I was feeling angry or negative about what was going on between us. Except it didn’t work that way – the times when I did say ‘oh what you just said made me feel angry’ she would instantly apologize and change tack. End of story. No checking with me as to why I was angry or what it was telling her (and me) about what was going on in me THAT I felt angry about it, so I was effectively being shut up anyway. And if I pursued something it became very obvious that it was making her feel criticized and she’d be looking to see how what she’d said or done was ‘wrong’ in some way, or conversely spend time trying to get me to understand what she meant, what her point of view was – justifying herself in other words and expecting me to understand her intentions. When that wasn’t the issue AT ALL. (In the context of relational therapy, it makes sense, the assumption being that all I needed to know was that I was ‘wrong’ about her intentions or motives and maybe that’s what I was doing in real world, misinterpreting people’s intentions and motives and getting angry ‘incorrectly’.) But the issue was neither that she was doing something ‘wrong’ or making a mistake, nor that I was misinterpreting her intentions and requiring elaboration of them – it was quite simply the mass of needs and wants crying out for recognition and acknowledgement. And I explained all this, over and over…

As regards what your T said about your using projection to push her away – well that makes a lot of sense, but I’m surprised she didn’t like to hear your anger on that basis – it’s almost like she was pushing you away for wanting to push her away and though it’s obvious what you are explaining about now owning your feelings and fears rather than attributing them to her (yay that it’s going so much better for you now!) – I get the impression that her rejecting your angry projections could well have gone the other way. I think it’s only down to you and the understanding you’ve reached by yourself about making these I statements and recognizing projections that has enabled you to get past the negative dynamics of before – I could of course be myself projecting here (lol inevitable given my set up) in that it sounds so like the set ups I find myself in – where the therapy, the giving, the caring, is conditional on my ‘behaving’ like a good little stalwart of society’s moral demands and squashing and controlling the spontaneous expression of my feelings. Got to put a caveat in here that I am very very very very angry and so it doesn’t take much to set me off on a negative tirade. So I’m sorry if it sounds like I am criticizing your T, I’m just reacting as if I were in your place.


Aglet thanks for your sympathy and support. I think you’re right, it’s necessary now for me to lay out what’s happened with all the Ts I’ve seen – even if that means venting how frustrated and angry (and scared and abandoned) it’s made me feel. At least that way I’ll get a response to my being authentic, no more playing the well behaved good little client in order to get a T onside to start with. If she can take me as a negative angry client without needing me to win her over first, that’s got to be a risk worth taking.


Monte thankyou. Your words uncannily echo what my H said to me after this termination (and at other times too) that he thinks I’m too ‘intelligent’ for most Ts – that I’m so self aware and have done so much work on myself (and am so gabby about it all) that I probably threaten a lot of Ts. I’d like to think that was the case – lol at least I could comfort myself with feeling ‘superior’, I wish! But it’s no comfort at all when really I don’t understand very much and am desperate for someone to get inside my head with me and understand the stuff that I can’t work out, and I have to believe that a T knows significantly more than me about the things I need to understand.

You’re right, there’s no doubt at all that I rub a lot of Ts up the wrong way (not necessarily because they’re less than humble, though that would be a nice thought too) – comes of spending so many years and putting so much pain into trying to understand myself, that I get very impatient when Ts do the ‘let’s point out to LL how she is dysfunctional and pathological’ because it’s so damned obvious to me already and they’re not telling me anything new or remotely helpful.


Morgs, thank you too for your kind words and support. I’ll share your optimism for now – if you think it’s possible I can find the right T, then I’ll let myself believe it’s also possible. Can only hope eh?


You know the one thing that I long for, yearn for, am desperate for from a T? To be understood. To have a T actually WANT to know and understand me and my set up, to be genuinely interested in my stories, in who I am and what I think and how I feel, to ask me questions for heaven’s sake, to get me to explain stuff I’m rabbiting on about that they don’t understand – what’s the big deal with telling me they don’t understand and getting me to rephrase, re-explain, put into different words if they’re not following what I’m saying? The one thing above all else that told me clearly that this latest therapy was going nowhere, was my sense that she didn’t understand anything about me, that her responses constantly made me feel like I’d been talking and explaining and even showing sometimes, the same things over and over and not being heard, not being ‘got’. And while I can appreciate that maybe she understood a whole lot more than I give her credit for, I didn’t FEEL understood…

Yet again sorry for the massive post. It’s really good for me though to get this stuff out there, I’ve been feeling more and more that there’s something so terribly wrong with me that even a T who offers me kindness and caring and sympathy all giftwrapped with pretty bows on top, can’t help me, so the more I explain what’s going on and get feedback that at least validates my experience, the less terrified I feel (well momentarily anyway.) So thank you very much everyone who has responded, I so appreciate it.

LL

quote:

LG you’ve just given me something really positive out of all this sorry repetitive stuff I keep finding myself in – by saying I’ve set a boundary that allows me to walk away when my needs aren’t being met. I needed to hear that, thankyou. Because the way I see it is that when I do hold out for what I need and want, I inevitably end up with nothing – and that’s a very black place indeed, so that it would take a huge amount of courage my god did I just use a positive word about myself wonders will never cease - for me to walk away, especially from someone who also is offering lots of goodies… I will hold onto your words because I’m going to need as much positive stuff as I can get to see me through the next x amount of time… thank you!

I'm glad you were able to find something positive in this experience, LL. I sometimes feel the same way about being left with nothing when I set boundaries with people. But after all these years, I'm starting to realize that its better to have nothing than a lot of bad something.

Good luck with the referral T.

LL,
How furstrating and disappointing. I'm so sorry you find yourself T-less.
I have to say that your knowing what you need and want and your unwillingness to settle for "a lot of bad" speaks to your level of personal strength and recognition of your value.
I know T searching is not fun, though.
seablue

LL,

I'm so sorry that things didn't work out with your T. I hope that the referral T can handle your anger and not take it personally. I am short on words at the moment really, but wanted to say that I read your posts and I'm sorry.

(((((((((((((Lampers))))))))))))

I am so sorry that this has happened to you, have to dash tto work, but many many thoughts,

starfishy

LG, Stoppers, Sea, STRM and Starfish thanks so much for your sympathy and support. ((((( )))))

I'm feeling really crap today, the kickback is setting in and there's a huge sense of loss lurking away waiting to ambush me. The difference between this T and most of the previous ones was that she really was giving me good stuff and now it feels like it's all my bloody fault, my stupid stupid insistence on having my anger, that has wrecked everything, has cut me off from getting some of the things I really do need. I'm a very unhappy bunny right now, and heading straight for the usual self blaming self hating despair that just loves opportunities like this to get me by the throat.

LL

LL... I am terribly sorry that you find yourself in this hellish place again... being T-less and struggling.

I wanted to comment but I'm in one of those really dark places and am just depleted with very little to offer except my good thoughts and wishes to you that you hang in there and when it settles a bit you can find yourself the T that you need and deserve.

Many hugs
TN

Thanks TN, I can but carry on, keep this appointment with T #26. Hate the feeling of so much hanging on her being the right one - statistically I don't like my chances, but knowing that at least I do have an appointment is keeping me going right now.

TN I'm SO sorry you are in a dark place, I've been reading your posts about how therapy has been going with not so new T, and was really pleased that you are now getting so much of what you've always deserved. I am guessing that the dark place you are in now is because of OldT and his finally handing over your files. Sending you lots and lots of supportive hugs (((((((((((( TN )))))))))))))))))))

LL

LL
I know it's how we operate but do try not to self hate and blame yourself - although you learned and grew so much with T - she still couldn't seem to accept that the anger wasn't directed at her and needed to come out!! Perhaps what you gained from your time with her was all that could be gained? I think therapy realtionships could often be just like rl relationships and have particular reason and timeframe! wdik? It's probably important that you're very upfront with the prospective T about the anger issues so everyone starts on the same page!!

In the meantime, do try not to beat yourself up!!
M

Morgs thanks for your supportive words, and yeah I think you’re totally right, talking to this prospective new T anger will definitely be top of the list of things to check out.

Not looking forward to it though, I’ve got a day left before seeing her and haven’t got it together to even think about what to say – I just hope she’s good at asking questions because the way I feel I doubt if I’m going to have anything like an agenda or even the energy to work out what things to ask her. About the only thing that seems important is what her take on my getting angry at her would be…

LL

LL
Maybe do what I do - write things down just like here! I've been seeing my T for about a year now and have only been able to speak up, say how I'm feeling and lead the session ONCE and that was the last session!! But I do sometimes write and give it to her in session and it really helps!! Even dot points are good because they can be expanded on by both T and client and get a good dialogue going.

Of course you're not looking forward to it, it's hard to put yourself out there with a stranger, but you know you want, even need, to do it!!

Will be thinking of you!
Morgs

Lampers

I don't think it matters that you don't have an agenda or an idea of what to say....any good T will understand that. I think you just need to be upfront and explain what has happened with the last T and how recently that was. There may be other issues lurking Lampers, but my observation is that the anger issues are always somewhere at the forefront of your writings here, so maybe that's what needs to be addressed first off as a priority. If that's all you can tell her, that will be a good start, I really pray that this T will be able to help you where others haven't.

Really hoping that tomorrow goes well for you, please let us know (((((((((LL)))))))))))

starfish

(((((((((((((((((Lamplighter)))))))))))))))))))))

Thanks AG! here comes another attempt:
(((((((((((((((Lamplighter))))))))))))))))

(((((LL)))))

My last T, the one who double-booked me deliberately (alright, I know what you all are thinking!!!), told me when I left her that it took her 28 therapists until she found the one who "straightened me out", as she said. Her message to me was, so don't give up, keep trying. I think her style of being a little more aggressive in bringing my issues to the fore was partly due to the time she felt she wasted going from therapist to therapist.

Anywho, it's all going to happen when you are ready. Try not to beat yourself up too much!!

((((HUGS))))

Liese

(((LL))) I think if you can just get that one idea out, that you experience transference-related anger in therapy and need a T who is OK with exploring it, then leave everything else to the T, that might be "enough." It would be hard enough to get that one idea out there.

(((Liese))) Have missed you! Good to see you on here.

((LL))!!
i am so sorry about another big dissapointment for you... but maybe, this journey of trying to find a T (and crossing them off the list) is part of the process for you. the fact that you havent given up shows that you are doing the right thing, you are trying to give yourself what you need (and deserve!) and won't stop until you get it.
i'm sorry i dont have much time to reply properly - or not much useful to say - but i just wanted to make one suggestion. do you think that for the next T you see, you could start off by saying you'll see them for xx months? maybe its good to try not to put too much pressure on it (yourself, the T, the therapy itself) and give yourself smaller goals and a shorter period to begin with. and only if they graduate the xx months period, you can continue to see this new T.

just an idea. i hope you can be kind and gentle with yourself.

take care,
puppet

LL,
Thinking of you and wondering how you are doing. I am sorry this is so painfuland frustrating and I really hope you can try to be gentle on yourself. You are angry fo a reason and it is definiely NOT because you are doing something wrong. (((LL)))
seablue

Hi, LL- hope you are surviving today. Just a couple thoughts have come up while reading through your thread...

My T has mentioned a few times, that part of what I need is to learn how to be more clear and specific. It may help you to try an exercise where you simplify what you need from therapy into a few sentences...(let yourself go on here, and in journals and with friends, but with your new therapist, try to be very, very simple and clear, so as to get your money's owrth from the learning experience) This kind of exercise in self-restraint in therapy has been enormously instructive for me, so I just wnat to share that. I'm still starting to work with it, so it is new, though. I have had some success when I was able to stop trying to say *everything* and instead say *one* small, simple thing- and then explore that with him. Just one. My reasons for trying to say everything to my T (usually via email) and then usually with my long silences hoping he would address my needs expressed through long emails, all by himself in therapy- were that I figured that if I could just pour all of it out there, he would care enough/be interested in me enough, to sift through it all and figure out what I needed since it was so hard and so complicated for me to do that for myself. This failed miserable. I realized no single therapist will be interested enough about me enough to do the amount of work involved in trying to sift through all my thoughts and figure out what I need- and that hurts a lot to realize, probably old unmet needs for the interest of a parent in their child. But-the upside, is I figured out that I get more of what I need in therapy (understanding, interest) when I stop doing that and try to just say one thing, and then explore that one, little thing. good conversations ensue, and as my T says, "all your issues tend to hang together anyway, so just tell me one thing- what do you need to talk about today." It's so hard. He just never fully gives up on that, and I hate it, but it has become the foundation of my therapy in ways. What do I need to talk about today? Simplify it and state it, and keep it about me and my feelings, not his.

Maybe that can help a bit...idk The reality is that in order to get our needs met in relationships, therapy or otherwise, I have learned that I have to make some changes to myself and my way of communicating those needs. Little me does not feel that she should have to do that. But- quite simply we do- even if it is at 125.OO a pop, therapy is primarily, a school where we learn how to operate differently than we have in the past in order to have happier relationships with ourselves and others. And that is so so painful. So- please understand that I say this as my perspective, based on my own experience- but I've come to realize that therapy is not a place where *primarily* I get to vent and feel better or get emotional needs met. It is primarily a place where I learn how to grow and change in ways that will make my life more meaningful. I learned that I was trying to get something from it that isn't really offered there, except in small doses at times, because I think T's see themselves primarily as teachers of relationships, and persons who help us grow not stay the same. I think.

The other thing- is that I like the idea of analysis in your case, because it may really meet a lot of your needs. You need someone to listen non-judgementally while you pour out your thoughts, to take an interest, but a detached interest- regular and frequent sessions, therapist able to take whatever you throw at them without making it personal or about destroying the relationship...idk. Keep in mind that I know nothing really about it, but- it's something I've thought about myself for you, so when UV brought it up it seems like- hm, maybe.

Just throwing all of this out there. I realize it's a bit contradictory, saying both simplify, and that you need someone to pour out all your thoughts too...I do think both are true- though, at different times. I hope you know how much I sympathize with what you are going through. I feel like I am going through so much and so many of the same things, except in my case I have decided to stick with one therapist come hell and highwater. I have no idea if I have made the right decision or not- in any case I sense it's the right decdision for me, and I think what you are doing is what you need to do for you, and part of your process. I'm just really sorry that your process has to be such an awfully painful one, and I hope that you will find some calm waters in the middle of the storms you are fighting through.

It's so nice to see you posting again- I learn so much from you, and your experiences and thoughts and feelings have a lot of particular resonance. (((((LL))))) I only wish that you were able to post freely without so much worry and concern about it. You are no selfish in your posting, as you often seem to think you are- that's just not true. You offer a lot here, and we learn from your expereiences and gain from supporting you, as well. So thank you- LL- I hope you will beleive me when I say that is sincere.

Hugs, my friend,

Blackbird (aka Meanbird)

Morgs, Legs, Froglet, Liese, Yaku, UV, Puppet, Sea and Beebs, wow I'm overwhelmed by all your kindness and support. Wish I could reply properly to each of you but all I can say is thank you SO much and you've all given me something so positive to hold onto - need that right now.

Wasn't going to post but couldn't not, after reading your responses - only quickly to say well despite appointment today I'm still T-less and the black stuff is setting in quite badly right now - need to go and get my head around wtf I'm going to do now.

UV and Beebs lots for me to think about - thank you especially for taking the time to give so many good suggestions couched so beautifully.

God I feel crap and utterly enraged

Be back soon

LL

Oh sh@t!!! I'm so sorry (((LL)))
when you're able, tell us what on earth happened??

Don't give up lady!!!
x Morgs

We're here, whenever you're ready and want to share. (((((LL)))))

LL, I am so sorry- thinking of you-

Love,

BB

LL... I'm venturing out of seclusion to offer you supportive hugs. Don't allow the black stuff to settle around you. You have come far and learned so much in your T search. Please just consider this meeting as more knowledge and experience. I'm sorry for the pain you are experiencing now. Wish I could help in some way with that.

I know you must be feeling so frustrated now. I can understand that. But please know we are all here to support you and hold you up while you are wobbly. You WILL find your feet again and move ahead. Until then, we are here.

Thinking of you,
TN

Morgs, Yaku, DF, Beebs and TN thank you so much once again for supporting me - especially when you all have heavy stuff going on for you too.

I've been steaming around about this since yesterday and am going to put up a separate rant thread about it all - the "utterly enraged" part of the mess of feelings I'm experiencing won out. If nothing else this thing of my trying to find the right T for so long has brought right out into the open what's really going on in me.

Feel so wiped out by it all that I can't get it together to post on anyone else's threads at the moment, so this is by way of advance apology, sorry.

LL

(((LL)))

Just take care of yourself right now.