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15 replies

T-less struggles again

ButterflyButterflyMember
I know I haven’t posted in a while and I am sorry I haven't been around supporting others, I have really struggled to feel I belong here due to being without a T. I think it has also been hard to read about other people relationships with theirs, although I have tried to keep up as much as I can. It has been 9 months now since I last saw mine and I still miss her just as much. I go through phases where it is unbearable, to phases when it is much more manageable. I honestly thought it would get better with time but that doesn’t seem to be the case. For those who don’t know my situation, my T left her practice last year, which devastated me.

I now know she is intending to return next year; well at the moment anyway, I guess that could still change. I have been through so many different feelings regarding this, I think it would have been easier if I wasn’t holding out for her and had been able to move on with another T. Money is a huge issue for me, but there is also the emotional investment I would have to make if I did go and see someone else when old T still takes up a lot of headspace. I did recently contact another T because I was feeling a bit desperate and felt another perspective on whether it would be the right thing to return to old T, would be good, but I have had to cancel that as my financial situation really isn’t good.

I have to weigh up whether going back to old T would cause more damage than starting over again. Part of me feels I am strong enough to handle the attachment and the other part is scared it would go back to how it was, with me being totally dependent. My other concern is after such a long break I assume it is going to take time to trust her again and our once close relationship will most likely be exceedingly fragile. If she can leave once she can do it again.

In a way this year seems to be going by quite fast so I fear I may not have made my mind up in time...gosh how long do I need?? Eeker and I really want to have my mind made up when the time comes. I’m sorry if this is repetitive, I suppose I am just feeling a bit stuck. Any input would be greatly appreciated.

Butterfly
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yakusokuyakusokuMember
(((butterfly))) I don't have any helpful input to give, but I'm sorry it's so hard without your T and the attachment and finances make it hard to see another. I can understand how it would be hard to read/post here in the midst of that. I'd like to see you have support through the waiting, but I can understand how impossible it feels to begin another such relationship when the last one is causing such pain. I wish I had wisdom on this. Frowner If I lost my T, I'd probably swear off therapy altogether, at least initially.
Attachment GirlAttachment GirlAdmin
Hi Butterfly,

It good to see you posting. I am sorry its still so difficult missing your T, but FWIW, I know I can still really struggle with it and I have been able to go back periodically. I want to say that my opinion is biased based on my experience. I was dependent on my T for awhile, but in a healthy way that let me complete some developmental steps that I needed to such as forming healthy boundaries, identifying and getting my needs met and regulating and tolerating my emotions. So to me, the fact that a year later you are still struggling with such intense feelings about missing her is a good indication that she probably is already an attachment figure, so that going back to work with her and hopefully through it, would be a good healing thing. I do understand the fear about her leaving again. I think it's there quite often with anyone trying to form an "earned" secure attachment" and in your case, it's made worse by the fact that it actually happened. But if she comes back and you can work with her again, it will also be a very powerful experience of how a connection remains between two people even when they are separated by distance and time. And as far as leaving again, it's the dilemna at the heart of therapy and life. How do we, knowing we will die, knowing we will lose it all, still live fully in the face of that knowledge? I don't say this to scare you or overwhelm you but to point out that no matter who you work with you will still face this conundrum. At least with this T, you know you have a good working relationship and a deep attachment.

All that said, it sounds like it is a very difficult decision. I hope being able to talk about it here will help you come to a clear decision about which way to go.

(((((Butterfly))))

AG
puppetpuppetMember
((butterfly))
i am sorry you are still hurting over this, but it does make sense unfortunately, you never got a chance to work through with her - her leaving and your attachment to her. it might be that, despite your doubts, the only thing to do (or the only thing that will give you some answers) is to see her again. and at worst (if you feel you can't work with her long term), you will hopefully have a chance to work through the attachment and whatever happened when she decided to leave her practice. of course that had a HUGE impact on you and it sounds like it re-traumatised you and you haven't been able to move forward in some ways. i would have been totally devastated too if that happened to me! i can't even imagine it, its too awful...
even despite my (or anyone's) reservations about her as a T (why did she leave her practice?! and now she's back?? for good..??) i think you should go with your feelings on this - if you need to see her again, then you do. and i think you are also in a better position now to judge what will be helpful for you or not, you've had a chance to step back and think about things, without her influence. also when you start seeing her again, now you will have the wisdom of everyone here if you need extra help Smiler
maybe you can start by agreeing to a trial x number of sessions and have a few set issues to discuss and work through in that time - and see how it goes.

i'm sorry if i made it seem easy, telling you what you should do... i know how difficult it is. in fact, i havent really been in your position, to know exactly how difficult it is.. but i'm beginning to see what a f&(ing 'bitch' attachment is....

big

puppet
sdsdMember
Hey Butterfly.

The others have said some good stuff that I agree with. I am back with my T from 1o years ago or whenever it was. I don't remember ever having a secure attachment to her - I think not, I wouldn't let myself go that far. Now that I am back with her - it feels really nice. Comfortable, easy. I didn't think I would ever go back to her, but I have and it seems to be working.

No one lasts forever. Nothing lasts forever. If you get a chance to start up again with your T - I say take that chance with both hands and go for it.
ButterflyButterflyMember
I sense that the general consensus is that I should maybe give it another go, which of course is what I am dying to do, if only I wasn’t questioning my sanity in the process.

Thank you Yaku for understanding my situation.

AG, that is a good analogy, even if it is a little scary. I always appreciate your wise insight. Your own opinions, biased or not are the ones that matter, so thank you for sharing.

Draggers, thank you for saying my posts are valuable, I wish I could feel the same. Thank you for your lovely post. I guess I thought it would be easier to trust someone new rather than rebuild trust with someone who has left me before but I can see both yours and AG’s point that it could happen with whoever I am with.

Puppet, I think the problem is I can’t work out what would be best for me. I keep changing my mind at every turn. I agree a trial number of sessions sounds good, or maybe just the one. Thank you for your input.

Thank you SomeDays for letting me know that you have had a positive experience returning to your old T.

Thank you all for the hugs!! Smiler I really appreciate the support you guys have given me! I think I will wait to return to a T before I post again as I really don’t feel I belong here at the moment.

Hugs to all
Buttefly
beaglemumbeaglemumMember
Dear ((((flutterby))))
You belong here as much as anyone else - just because you don't have a T at the moment doesn't disqualify you and besides, it's only a break!!! Your T is coming back and you will in all likelihood pick up where you left off (I'm hoping here!!) - no pressure Roll Eyes

I agree with so much of what has been said here, especially "go with your feelings" - you still love her ((flutterby))! and how wonderful it will be if your attachment figure returns to your life and you can work through all those issues Big Grin

Maybe you could email or write to her and talk it through?? Just a thought Roll Eyes

I hope you stay with us - you'd be very much missed!

Many s, Morgs
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Butterfly I also hope you stay with us T or no T, if it feels right to you. I think you got good advice and I would support the idea of going back to your T if possible. You can see that having disruptions does not mean the end of the relationship and that your connection can survive the separation.

Even if you don't post often it good to hear from you now and then to update us on how you are feeling. I have always felt that you were supportive and I hope you stay with us.

Hugs
TN
starfishstarfishMember
Butterfly,

Please stay, unless it's too painful being T-less to do so. I really value your comments and contributions and it would be good if you could still chip in when you were able with your wise words.

There are many of us T-less at any time (allbeit temporarily I know!)- just pop onto the 'waiting' thread. I know your situation is very different, but you could join in the wonderful care and support on that thread when people are struggling between breaks in sessions.

Big hug,

starfishy
blackbirdblackbirdMember
Flutterby! Lovely to see you again. Of course you belong here just as much as any of us. Please stay. Unless it is a case of self-care to wait, in that case of course, you need to do what helps you the most.

I understand how completely freaky it must feel to think of returning to your T. The fear of the dependency returning, the fear that it won't feel the same anymore, and the difficulty trusting due to her previous departure- still, you could learn a lot by doing this. The decision is yours, but I tend to think that you have probably already made it, without realizing you have. Smiler As the others have said- what is life without risk? I'll tell you something. Even though my T situation caused me a lot of grief and pain, I cannot say that I regret it. I would do it again, in fact, because it is part of who I am at this point, pain and all. Sounds crazy maybe, but that's how I feel!

Please stick around if you are able! You are valued here.

Hugs,

BB
ButterflyButterflyMember
Thank you Starfish and BB, its more a matter of feeling different due to my situation and the fact that my experiences in therapy aren't current, I wonder how much help I could be or if anyone could relate to me. Starfish I did think about joining your countdown thread but then thought it would be a verrry long countdown Wink Hope you get to see your T soon.
BB, thank you for understanding about the dependancy, that is what I am most fearful of. I understand both my T and I may have changed considerably in a year, so I imagine the whole thing may look very different.

Thank you both for saying I am valued!

Maybe it is a sign that I can't afford anyone else at the moment.

Butterfly
sdsdMember
Butterfly - I reckon being between T's - means you have MORE reason to be here - we need you and you might need us Wink . Doesn't matter that you don't have current T experiences - we need your past and present wisdom and experiences and support. I don't give a stuff whether you have a T at the moment!!! Stick around!
pinglespinglesMember
Hello Butterfly
Can I just add my voice to say, stick around whether your not you have access to a T. When I first joined here, I was a bit of a lurker to say the least and learnt from reading your posts, and others and I'm not just saying that I mean that Big Grin, for those of us new to therapy wiser more experienced voices are really good to hear from. JMB
ButterflyButterflyMember
Somedays, I love that you don't give a stuff that I don't have a T Big Grin that does make me feel better.

JustMaybe, thanks for saying you learnt from my posts. If people really do get something from them, I would hate to take that away. I just need to start believing in myself a bit more and that may take a little time.

Before I started this thread I truly was ready to start again with another T and not go back, but the responses I have had here have been very useful and have given me some food for thought. I guess only time will tell what I do

Thanks to everyone reading and responding.

Butterfly

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