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11 replies

T makes me sad?

blackbirdblackbirdMember
Hello everyone. Frowner I'm sorry I'm not around much, and when I do drop in it seems I'm so far behind on the threads that I'll never be able to catch up with everyone. And there are so many new people I would love to chat with. Anyway. I hope I don't seem out of place.

I've been reading some of the threads and it seems like lots of good things are happening and some really sad things, too- I guess that's therapy, right?

I guess I really need a listening ear tonight, I'm getting tired of holding everything in lately. So I hope it's ok, I hold forth for a little while on my therapy, how it's going...

SO, Cowboy T has been very steady and available for me. Last session, my husband wanted to go into therapy because I had opened up to him about the level of despair I experience in my marriage to him at times. This seemed to galvanize my h and he went to my session- which I wasn't thrilled about but, it seemed the right thing to do, and my T was open to it if I was ok with it.

This week, I went to my session, and I must say that I experienced Cowboy T differently than I have in the past. He seems, irritated about my issues, irritated at me or disgusted or tired of my nonsense somehow? Not in a personal way, but more in a ho hum just do what you want to do, kind of way. For example, he said I should just go ahead and indulge my drinking habit to excess and not worry about it- and he really meant it. I don't harbour any illusions that this T cares about me on a personal level or anything, but this just seemed...like taking that level of impersonal-ness to a new level or something. Now it never bothered me before, truly, except in a passing kind of way -"oh- there's that old pain again- yeah, I know this pain, but I'm really used to it and it doesn't affect me much anymore" - like that- not like it used to wrack my world with my old "guru T" - but this time I have to admit I noticed and felt it, and I hate to admit it, but it actually hurt a little bit. He seems to have to constantly remind me that "for this one hour every two weeks" is all I "get" of something, and, I just really don't care, but I DO care that I don't care, if that makes any sense at all. I mean I want to be able to care. I'm feeling quite hopeless about everything to do with therapy lately. I saw a psychiatrist, in order to deal with some meds questions that my doc couldn't answer, and he seems to be utterly puzzled by me, and keeps booking appointments even though my initial question has been answered- with me and mentioning that I am very puzzling to him, but that "he would like to help me." I'm feeling a bit desperate at this point, willing to try anything, but having very little hope that the therapy avenue can do much for me.

I'm deeply missing my old therapist, and...I guess I just need a place to put all of these jumbled kind of feelings out there and be heard for a moment, however short!

I will be back to try to catch up later, and I hope you all have a blessed holiday season.

peace,

Beebs
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True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
quote:
I must say that I experienced Cowboy T differently than I have in the past. He seems, irritated about my issues, irritated at me or disgusted or tired of my nonsense somehow.


Hey Beebs... good to see you but sorry you are experiencing confusion and pain. I wonder if you are projecting these feelings onto your T because of what you fear after having your dh in session with your T? I have to say that I got hugely upset and had a major disruption with oldT after a joint PARENTING session with my dh. I felt that the session was turning more towards marriage counseling and they were talking about me like I was not even there! I could not tolerate having both of them together in a room talking about me. So I freaked out.

Recently my current T mentioned about someday meeting my dh and I shouted NO! Absolutely NOT. The thought is hugely frightening to me after what happened last time and that was supposed to be about parenting issues.

Of course you are not gonna like this but you need to go back to Cowboy and ask him if what you are feeling is reality based or your projections.

And BTW, that little hurt you are feeling is because you have become attached to Cowboy and care about him which is good. It may be worth a shot to try to open your heart and mind to his care and to the attachment and see if that does not reduce the hopelessness you are feeling right now. I know how hard it is to get past that wall of worry/anxiety to allow another T to get close but it really does make a difference when you allow yourself to feel the feelings of the relationship. And the more warmth you bring to him the more you will get back and that will help you to heal.

I'm not sure what has been happening in your therapy over the past months but has Cowboy ever mentioned that you are doing well or making any progress or doing good work? Any feedback at all from him? If you feel like things are not progressing at all, it may be a good idea to review your progress with him. We are not always the best judge of how far we have come.

Let us know how it goes. Thinking of you
TN
B bltMember
quote:
For example, he said I should just go ahead and indulge my drinking habit to excess and not worry about it- and he really meant it.


Just wondering if you think this may have been a kind of paradoxical intervention? Like, if he said "you need to stop drinking" then he'd be fighting with the part of you that wants to drink, but by saying "go ahead, drink to excess" he's trying to get at the part of YOU that wants YOU to stop drinking?
blackbirdblackbirdMember
Thanks TN, BLT- Oh, TN with all due respect to the philosophy of attachment in therapy- truly- and even regretfully- I am not able to talk to Cowboy about how he makes me feel or how I make him feel or if I'm projecting stuff or not- it's like the part of me that cares about stuff like that is totally shut down.so I take it as kinda a good sign that I was a little saddened by his response to me. But I can't seem to have much interest in doing relationship building type conversations with him- it just seems very pointless and even meaningless for me to try to fix or understand anything that happens between us. I feel very walled off from him- and myself, others- maybe you've provided me with a starting point to get a bit more from therapy than I am. I'll have to see about it, see if I feel I can authentically engage on that kind of level, or if I'd just be putting on some kind of act in order to "do this better." I really miss my old T, for with him there was no mistaking the feelings that relationship brought up in me, no questioning the validity - I just simply, felt, was- was in the moment, I guess, very painful moment, but better than limbo-land, kwim?

BLT- I thought of that, and I actually called him on it and told him that it was ridiculous and wouldn't work. He insisted that he didn't intend it that way at all, but was totally sincere. But he comes across to me as kinda sarcastic or...ironic..something? idk. So I just wasn't sure. Maybe he was just off his game. He mentioned that his wife had been injured, and he seemed pretty sad about that.

Anyway. Thanks for listening, and offering good thoughts to me. You guys= good peeps. So nice to have some company.

hug,

Beebs
lamplighterlamplighterMember
Hello Beebs, sorry that your return here is because things seem to be upsetting with Cowboy - and I'm sorry you're feeling sad .

I guess I'd be a bit blown away if a T said for me to go ahead and indulge a drinking habit to excess and not worry about it! It's the 'to excess' bit that would worry me - as BLT said, it sounds almost like he's baiting you, well go ahead then don't expect me to stop you type of thinking. I find it interesting that maybe this response of his has ruffled your feathers just a tad - as in, he doesn't care about me, if he cared he'd be stepping in and setting up all sorts of proscriptions... it's a catch 22 and I do think it's a pity you won't follow TN's suggestion of talking to Cowboy about how all of this is making you feel.

I am also inclined to make a connection between H entering your therapy space and how you are now perceiving Cowboy. There are some deep feelings going on underneath about all of this and it seems to me you're sitting on them and not allowing yourself to be aware of them. So they're coming out in oblique and self defeating ways.

I'd like to say good for you for having opened up to H about how you've been feeling, that's a HUGE step forward don't you think? It's just a real pity that his having invaded your therapy space has resulted in you feeling so negative.

Beebs who is it that keeps making appointments for you and says you are puzzling, is that Cowboy or the Pdoc? I gather it's the Pdoc but not absolutely sure. Interesting that he sees you as 'puzzling' Confused but glad to hear that he seems to want to help you. That's got to count for something!

Big hugs to you (((((((( Beebs ))))))))

LL
L lieseMember
HI BB

So nice to see you but I'm sorry it's because you are not feeling good about your therapy at the moment. I'm inclined to agree with those who feel that there is some sort of projection going on there as far as how you felt cowboy T felt about you after meeting your H.

Wondering if you feel your H has that attitude with you?

I had a drinking problem in the past when I was much younger but have still struggled now and again with alcohol and never really felt like I had it under control. I was always amazed that my T never wanted to talk about what I see as my "drinking problem".

I asked him recently about why he doesn't focus more on it and he said he didn't get the impression that it was a problem. Whether or not that's true, I can't really tell you. But I think if he did bring it up more often as if he thought it was a problem (as BLT suggested above with cowboy T) , there would be a tendency to get into some kind of a bad dynamic there with my T in that I might use the drinking to see if he cares instead of facing the "do you care about me" conversation head on.

Anyone could really want you to stop drinking but you are the only one who can do it. If you are getting something psychologically from others caring about whether or not you drink (other than what you get from the alcohol itself) - even if it's harmful in the long run and bound to hurt you - you will continue to do it until you bring that need forward and can verbalize it.

With the twice a month visits, it's as if you care but you are keeping enough distance between you and cowboy T so you don't get hurt again. It's easy to play mind tricks and pretend something isn't as important to us as we believe when we keep them at arms length like that. BB, guruT hurt you so much. Who can blame you for not wanting to get close to a T again after that experience?

Oh, that's a whole load of smoke coming from me this morning. Just a few thoughts, there BB.

Hug two
L lieseMember
(((BB)))

quote:
BLT- I thought of that, and I actually called him on it and told him that it was ridiculous and wouldn't work. He insisted that he didn't intend it that way at all, but was totally sincere. But he comes across to me as kinda sarcastic or...ironic..something? idk. So I just wasn't sure. Maybe he was just off his game. He mentioned that his wife had been injured, and he seemed pretty sad about that.


Sorry, I hadn't read that thoroughly when I wrote my last response. Maybe he is just trying to remove himself from the equation so that it's all about you - which is what it should be, you know?


I heard a nutritionist talk about and candy. She said that if your kids get obsessed, say, with M&M's, or are constantly looking for junk food, give them a little shelf at the bottom of the pantry and stock it with their favorite things. She said they will gorge and then get so sick that they will come to regulate themselves eventually. But put Mom in there as the gatekeeper and it then becomes btweent them, the candy AND Mom and a power struggle is created. So, whereas it's the physical sickness from eating too much junk that will cause that light bulb to go on and say, hey, I don't want to do this to myself anymore and this is a choice I am making - vs. Mom being the bad guy and withholding something I want - which in little doses tastes really good and I don't know why she's holding back on me.

Maybe that was his angle?

I know it's much more complicated than that with alcohol but if it's just you and the alcohol in this battle, it makes it a little simpler than if there was another force in there. Does that make sense?
blackbirdblackbirdMember
Oh, Gosh- you guys, I am sorry I spaced this out and forgot to come back and respond...thanks for your help-Liese, Draggers, Jones, LL- BLT and TN, too from before- hugs back to all of you-

good thoughts, all. I'm finding that I can't seem to hang on to any specific feeling or "way of being" about therapy or anything else in my life, right now. I seem to be flitting from one "way of feeling" to the other extreme pretty continuously- I'll say my H and I have had a breakthrough, though which is really good, especially since in this case it has lasted more than one day- woot. I've shared my distrust, and something has happened where instead of being defensive, he is responding caringly. I'm happy about that. I guess I just can't seem to feel much passion or interest about my therapy at all. I think I've frankly, lost interest in it pretty much, it's helpful, I appreciate the good it does me, but I can't see it for anything more than a twice monthly meeting with a nice guy who has some good insights, and seems to stabilize me when I whacked out. I'm just really not looking for love there anymore, which is what I was doing in the past, I realize, because I'm just not going to find the love I need there, and it was turning into some kind of self-abuse type thing with old T, and now- I just am not willing to go there and wish for something that can't be, so I've got myself protected, pretty well, I suppose! (how's that for a run on sentence? I'm thinking it's not really a bad thing- it's more just, the way it is, and I hope that I can redirect that passion and fierce need for love into my marriage where I actually have some hope of getting some of what I need- and giving it too. It's where I am, right now, can't really be helped, so I'm just going with it. I'm thinking that my hurt feelings or whatever that was last time I posted was just what it was. I'm either getting better, or I'm in total denial. Big Grin Not sure which.

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and New Years-

Love,

BB
kashleykashleyMember
Hey Beebs!

I'm sorry I haven't commented on here before now. I think it's great that you're following what you feel. There's no right or wrong to what you're doing - there's only different paths for you to take, and this is obviously the path that works for you right now. The amount of insight you've gained from Cowboy T and even from old T assures that you'll end up where you need to be. Smiler

It's great to see you - big hugs to you.

B bltMember
quote:
I'm just really not looking for love there anymore, which is what I was doing in the past, I realize, because I'm just not going to find the love I need there, and it was turning into some kind of self-abuse type thing with old T, and now- I just am not willing to go there and wish for something that can't be, so I've got myself protected, pretty well, I suppose!


I remember going through a stage of this in therapy. I told T I realized I had been trying to get my attachment needs met in all the wrong places for a very long time because I didn't have a choice, but I had a choice now about it, finally. That was a very liberating thing for me to realize! At this point I seem to be able to accept love from T *and* look for it elsewhere at the same time, so I guess it's the best of all possible scenarios.

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