((((Debbye)))) I'm sorry your T is going and gave you such last minute notice. I'm also sorry that transitional items are so triggering for you. That stinks. Even if your T doesn't "need" you the way that you need him, I hope you can take in that he cares about maintaining the therapeutic relationship (ugh, is that better for you than "connection"?) throughout a break. If he didn't care at all, he would have just said, "Oh, no worries, we'll pick things back up in a couple of weeks." He does care about how you're feeling about his going and wants to do something to make it better for you. It probably hurts him a bit that he can't. My T says it makes him feel helpless (like a parent) when he sees me hurting. Your T sounds the same. That said, I think it's perfectly OK for you to be hurt and angry about this right now. Being so vulnerable in the way I am with my T can put me into a rage sometimes...I bet your T understands that you're in pain and angry and wishes he could fix it.

Side note: I was bummed to hear about Jeff Conaway too. I mostly watched him in Babylon 5, because I was a huge sci-fi geek as a kid.

Debbye....I'm sorry your T didn't give you more notice and I'm especially sorry that your friend moved away and your fav actor died. I just lost a fav TV personality too last week. I felt so bereft and I took a chance and discussed it with my T which left me feeling much better. Did your T offer you email?

It's really a bummer when a transitional object does not help. The reason your T does not feel as badly as you do at the separation is that he probably is not attachment injured nor does he have abandonment issues (which is good since he is a T). He may have had them but hopefully that is settled for him these days so he can help you. When people have secure attachments they don't view people coming and going from their lives in the same way that we do. They don't view it as abandonment. They know that they will come back and you will be together again in time. But it does not mean that he does not care about you and I'm sure he will wonder how you are managing while he is gone. When I'm on vacation I do think about my office and wonder about my friends, and that is not even a T relationship.

I don't think he will contact you, not because he does not care about you but because it is not usually something a T will do unless it has been discussed beforehand. Some see initiating contact as a boundary issue. This is probably something you should discuss with your T.

I know how hard it is to face their vacations. I know the separation is hard. I told myself that I would never again complain about a T going on vacation since I lost my oldT. I thought I could not survive 3 weeks w/o him while he was on vacation, instead it has turned into forever. Anything else seems manageable to me now. My new T gave me his pen and business card with my appt on it when he was gone. Try to take some comfort from your little dog, understanding that this is a DIFFERENT experience with your T. He is not your mom and he cares.

In the meanwhile please visit here often and share how you are feeling about him being away. We can support you and help you pass the time until he is back. Try to journal and plan on all the new things you can tell him when he returns. I'm truly sorry you are in such pain over this. I wish I could help you more.

Hugs
TB

Yaku, you’re right, he did specifically ask me if there was something he could do to keep the connection so he WAS thinking about me. Wow, thank you for pointing that out! I even typed it and I didn’t “see” it, wild! I really don’t know what he could do (except not going) that would help. I’m ashamed that I’m angry about him going (but it’s impressive that you could read that into my post!). P.S. My husband and I have all the episodes of Taxi on DVD, and I watched Taxi when it was originally on TV too, but I never watched Babylon 5.

TN - One small thing my T did do that kind of reassures me he wants to see me again is he set up an appt for me for his first morning back. Last night I was angry and I was laying in bed plotting … since he left for 12 days then I’m going to wait 12 more days before I go back to session to show him how it feels. (Yeah RIGHT, I can’t hold out that long.) My T only uses email when he’s at work so he wouldn’t get my messages till he gets back. I know in my head he’s not abandoning me forever, but when he first said he was going on vaca, my whole body felt so panicked and scared!! Thinking back on that moment, now I wish he could’ve reassured me in that moment that he knew I was scared of him leaving. That’s where the connection got lost, and then he put it on me to stay connected because obviously he thought we still were. I’m going to try reminding myself what Yaku said (how he does care) when I have the dog in my hands. It’s a really new way for me to think about him though.

Thanks for caring and I’ll lean on you all while he’s gone.

Wow, I am impressed and a bit jealous that your T made sure to fit you in the first morning he gets back, Debbye, and that he asked how we can keep the connection- he really sounds so caring and supportive. I know it doesn't feel like that when he gets to go on vaca and you are left in pain, but he does care. And I think that if you can let his caring in gradually, even though I know, it is not "enough" you will do well in therapy. I think it is so nice that you have something to hang onto to remind you of him. I know it hurts, but that he meant it in a caring way, that you will be able to hang onto the sessions you do in between times when the going gets tough and you can't talk to him.
Just wanted to offer some support while you are on this break. Keep on posting!
hugs,

BB

Thanks BB! You're too funny, being jealous of me. If he wouldn't talk so much about connecting and making it my fault for not being connected, maybe his vacation wouldn't even faze me. I don't know. I feel helpless like it's his move now and he's not moving. Waiting game.

Today I called his office just to hear his voice on the answering machine. I let it go all the way to the beep and then I hung up afer it started recording so it would register that my phone called there. I was hoping one of my dogs would bark in the background but they were good! ~D.

I called my T's office again this morning to hear his answering machine and I didn't hang up for a couple seconds since my parakeets were singing.

I remember one time when my T went on vacation just for a few days but on my usual session day he texted me. I'm not going to hope for that this time but wouldn't that be cool.

I read another chapter of this old book called Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People. My husband bought it for me at a used bookstore a couple months ago as a joke (because he thinks I'm screwed up). It's good. So I'm hanging in there but I wouldn't say I'm connected. ~D.

((((Debeye)))))

That was very unprofessional of your T to not have given your more notice to prepare for his long absence.

I'm on a 4-1/2 week absence from T2 while she's in Europe, but she gave me a lot of time to prepare for it and I also have another therapist.

I'm really sad for you with all of the losses you've had lately. It seems like abandonment is really on the forefront for you right now.

Does it help to know that your T will be coming back to you, and you don't even have to have a watch to give him?

I'm wondering if maybe you can write him some letters while he is gone to read to him when he gets back? Maybe that can help you stay connected to know that even though he won't be reading them right away, he will be reading them soon?

Debbye,

I'm sorry for all of the losses you have experienced recently. I wish that your T would have given you more notice about his impending absence. If I showed up to a T session and my T informed me that she was leaving for two weeks and that was my last session until she got back she would be lucky if she could pry me off of her ankles!! I'm sorry the transition object isn't helping, but I think it is great that he gave you the first appointment back. It sounds like he really does want to maintain that connection. I also think it is great that you are using the answering machine message to soothe yourself while he is gone. That is a great tool.

I hope the time passes quickly for you and in the meantime I hope you reach out here for support or anywhere else that feels right.

(((hugs)))

Thanks, UV. I guess I just don’t get it about the boundaries thing. If he’s not going to worry about losing his connection with me, why was he concerned about me losing my connection with him? Wouldn’t that be a boundary infraction for me, wanting him around (at least in town!) all the time? I don’t know how you did it for three weeks; I think I would want to have a temporary therapist so I could have the same weekly appointment even if it wasn’t my regular T. I don’t have anyone to talk to really freely the way I could with my friend and my T.

LG – Now I’m starting to feel ridiculous for being upset about 12 days. That’s good you have another therapist to go to. Yes, I felt a little better when he made the appointment for me because it’s something to look forward to. I haven’t been writing him letters but I journal, and I do tell him certain parts of it. I don’t get how writing to (or about) him makes me feel connected. It just feels pointless like putting money in a slot machine and nothing coming out.

STRM – Thanks for your reply too. It makes me feel a lot better knowing you’d also have a panicked reaction if your T said that! I felt like I was going to be sick.

Today I went to church (and his office is there). I called on my phone from the parking lot and listened to his answering machine, and I thought about sliding a note under his door but I didn’t know what to say except I missed him so I didn’t do it. I feel like if he can’t give me any feedback from it right away then what’s the use of doing it. I'm struggling to remember he cares about me! I know it in my head but I don't feel it at all. I still have, what, nine days to go? Yikes. ~D.

I hope you're hanging in there Debbye! I know it isn't easy. My T and I have vacations scheduled back to back - she's gone for a week, then I am gone for three weeks. Yes, I'm freaking out about the separation, even though it's a month away

Anyway, I found a few articles that gave me a little clarity on Therapist Vacations, and helped put things in perspective a little. It doesn't make it any easier during the separation, but at least it was a good distraction for a little while!

Therapist on Vacation? Psychology Today

August Angst: When Therapists Go On Vacation - LA Times

How To Cope when Your Therapist Goes on Vacation

P.S. I call my T's voicemail even though she is in town, just so I can hear her voice when I feel yucky. I felt guilty at first, but now, I even sometimes leave messages!

DF, UV (2nd) and R2G, I saw your posts and will write more later tonight but right now I'm upset because I tried calling my T's office and his voice mail is FULL and a mechanical voice announces that, and I didn't get to hear his welcome message at all. I'm really angry because I've only called five or six times (hanging up after only a couple seconds so my number registers) so I know my calls didn't fill it up. (Or maybe he doesn't want me to call and he put some code on it now so I can't. Maybe? Why do I hurt myself with thoughts like this.) I've kept myself busy today so I was wanting to reward myself and hear his voice. $%^@#$!! ~D.

Edit - He has a whole full week to go before he comes back and his voicemail's already FULL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Debbye,

I dont' think your T put a code on his VM to block you from leaving a message. I'm willing to bet that he's had a lot of calls from other patients.

Do you have any old VM's on your phone from him that you could replay?

Well, at dinner I told my husband about the voicemail being full and he said it sounded like I was too attached to my T. My husband said my T must have patients more whacky than me leaving long messages for him.

DF – Thanks, I know you guys care about me, that’s why I’m posting each day to get through this. I love how everyone here jumps in to be supportive with other people. I’ve seen it here a lot and it feels nice to be on the receiving end for a little while. My T’s voice is almost identical to Michael J. Fox (kind of whispery and not too deep). My kids have bible school this week at church so I’m thinking I will put a note under his office door there about missing him so much, since I can’t listen to him on voicemail.

UV – The explanation you gave about the enmeshing makes sense. In my head it seems fair that he’d need a vacation sometimes but I don’t know how to get over feeling like he forgot me. Thanks for saying I’m normal.

R2G – I could handle it if it were me on vacation for 12 days because I’d be someplace fun and having a lot to do and see, and I would probably not worry at all because I’d know my T was safe at home waiting for me to come back. I love the questions in the Psych Today article you linked. I haven’t read the other two links yet. That’s funny even you call voice mail just to hear your T sometimes.

LadyGrey – Yes, I have one voicemail from him on my cell phone when he had to reschedule because he was sick (and he sounded like it too). I’ve asked him (like deepfried’s T) about making a special message for me on my cell phone but he hadn’t gotten around to it yet.

~D.

I found for me, its the dealing with the feelings the break represented. T doesn't fall apart like me when on a break, because she knows shes coming back and the ongoing relationship continues, but if we didnt have that when young then we have no sense of an ongoing relationship that survives breaks etc.

For me when my relationship with my first caregiver had any "gap" in it, there was never any repairing done, so to me it feels as if the break is a ripping apart rather than a gentle comign and going. T once that that yes knowing how I feel she still has to go, but that doesn't mean she doesn't want to come back.

quote:

T doesn't fall apart like me when on a break, because she knows shes coming back and the ongoing relationship continues, but if we didnt have that when young then we have no sense of an ongoing relationship that survives breaks etc.

Wow. This actually makes a TON of sense to me! When I go away for my way-too-long-summer-travel, I am afraid she won't be there to continue the relationship. Just like when she goes out of town, she knows she's coming back to work, and logically, I do too, but a part of me is fearful that when she gets back, she'll have changed her mind.

FF, thanks for posting this!

Fly - I agree with R2G, that makes sense.

The last two nights haven't been very good. For some reason I almost drift off to sleep and then I jerk awake worrying I won't wake up. I woke up twice during the night instead of sleeping through. I'm going to say this is related to my T being gone because I can remember suffering from the same problem after my grandmother died. I was scared I would die too if I went to sleep. It was probably unresolved grief (but for my current problem my T hopefully isn't dead).

When I was panicking (about dying) after I jerked awake, I remembered thinking that I should've said something to my T the last time I saw him (like 'have a nice trip, I love you') but I didn't - so if I *did* quit breathing after I fell asleep and died, then my T would never know how I felt. My grandmother died so suddenly and I never got to tell her goodbye or I love you, either.

Yesterday my T's secretary left a message for me in the morning reminding me not to come in yesterday (like if I was on autopilot to go there). I thought that was super nice.

~D.