Then he got a court call in the middle of our call and asked if he could take it and was so reassuring about it that I was fine with it. He called back and then said what should we do about the email and I said he could read the detail and I would pray and wait for him to finish. So he did. And he kind of affirmed that it's not my fault and I was expecting a lot of a sophomore in high school to deal with it better than I did. He also said something about N possibly just being a guy just trying to get what he wants without any sophisticated plan. I don't know why, but this kind of angered me...I said nothing, because I knew what he said probably wasn't incorrect. We talked a little bit about how I dealt with it at the time and why I expected myself to be better. A lot of unrelated family stuff came up, which took most of the rest of the session, so I'm still feeling left hanging.
T still has to read the part of the email that deals with the stuff that's happened with H's condition and my admission of my connection with him making me want "safe closeness." I reiterated more than once that I still need to hear back once he finishes the email, although there is no rush.
I wanted to admit to him on the phone that I had come very close to SI while waiting for him to call. I had this sudden panic when he hadn't called by 10:00 AM that he was going to forget, since we hadn't talked about it since Tuesday night. I started having panicked thoughts about what I would do, how long I would wait, and kept having these instinctive urges (escaped, thank God, and he DID remember the call).
I don't know if it was the topic, but I didn't feel the care and connection like usual. I'm assuming I must just be a bit shut down from the emotional overload I've been in. It's disappointing, but I just have to make it until Tuesday night. It sounds so far away.
4 days and 9 hours is too long for me to wait. WTF is wrong with me?