*****TRIGGER WARNING... MENTION OF SU............*************



I think I have a good T who says to call if I need to talk. I texted her yesterday regarding health ins deductible and commented that I was feeling really down since the end of our last session. She did reply that she was sorry and we can discuss in next session on Friday. I later texted her again saying I was feeling bad and didn't feel much like coming in Friday and i'd see her next week. She replied that I wait till Friday morning to decide to see how I was feeling then. I did not reply.

I was experiencing so totally the feelings of my "inner child" who could not come right out and say I needed her help. Needed to talk. I was hoping that she would call or at least text back and ask if I was ok, if I needed to talk. But she did not. I was disappointed.

I fight with myself because I know she said to call if I needed to talk but she also knows that I said that I wouldn't/couldn't call. All I was capable of doing to reach out was to text that I was feeling really down since our Tuesday session. Obviously, she did not pickup on that or did not think it important enough to respond.

So the kid feelings with the attitude that I don't need anybody and I can't depend on anybody came into full force.

I stopped to eat on the way home and had a couple beers and bought a six pack and had 2 more at home. I was feeling very suicidal. The only thing that stops me is that I don't have all my personal affairs in order. Something I plan to start working on this weekend.

All I could see when I closed my eyes was myself, my kid self, laying in bed in my dark room built of stone walls, desparately craving someone who cares enough to reach out to me, to comfort me just because they know I'm hurting so bad and because they really do care. It just feels like pity when someone comes to me when I always have to ask. Doesn't matter if it's your T, a friend or whomever. I don't want pity.

So I just don't know what to think, how unreasonable I am thinking, how unrealistic my expectations are. Why do I expect my T to be able to interpret my messages, why do I expect that she would follow-up to check if I was ok even though I didn't expressly ask? Perhaps she is not very intuitive or is otherwise very busy. Ultimatey, I know I am responsible for asking for what I need, but that inner child just doesn't know how and is so tough yet at the same time so terrified and fragile, that she is not capable of coming out and asking for help, especially outside of the therapy office. When she is in control, my rational adult feels helpless.


This morning I awoke with the rational adult in control with lingering kid feelings still making me feel bad. I think I need to go to my session tomorrow but my inner child does not. I think I need to discuss this with my T but my inner child does not. I just don't want to think about it and want it to go away, but I know that it won't.

I would like to state for the record, that my T has been very giving, honest and caring during our sessions. I respect her as a person and as a professional.