Oh, I have LOTS of those thoughts. I can't help them. I wanted to be at his house over Xmas, I want to go to the park with him too, I want him to read me a story. I want him to come and hear me sing. I want I want I want.

Sigh.

I feel so little and so hurting and so vulnerable and I just look at him and he is so kind and so steady and so gentle and so trust worthy and I just melt and want to crawl onto his lap, snuggle up and listen to his heart beat and feel like I matter.

I have never had that.

It is a painful and vulnerably exposed place to be in, feeling this raw and young and emotionally wide open. I wish I did not have to face all this hidden feelings and hurts. I wish there was another way through. a Magic pill would be good or a magic word or a magic wand. I am stuck ....

I often say to him "Please don't give up on me" and he says he won't. I keep dreading and fearing that he will. Your name is right where I am at. And i am little and hiding in a corner with my teddy. It is all so painfully exposed right now.

Your thoughts and longings seems pretty normal for therapy - to me.

My T has a 15 year old daughter. Sometimes T mentions her in session when we talk about parenting issues and such, and I've seen her hanging out in the receptionist's office a couple times. Once she came and knocked on the door at the end of my session to remind her mom to take her to dance class. With me, T seemed a bit embarrassed by the intrusion, but the smile she gave her daughter as she shooed her away was beautiful.

Sometimes I think I would like to be her, even though I'm 26 and all grown up, lol. I have this fantasy that if I could start over and be parented by my T my life would be perfect. Unrealistic on so many levels, but it can be a happy daydream all the same. And somehow, just knowing that my T is parenting someone makes me feel better about the world. It's like. . . at least somewhere, something must be going perfectly right. . . maybe.

HIC: so much how I feel. Today T mentioned his daughter again (who is about 13-15) and mentioned how he likes to cook in the kitchen with her, but how sometimes she comes in and says "Dad, will you make a cake with me" and he rolls his eyes inwardly because he is in the middle of something but because he loves her, it is not really a roll of the eyes, and he DOES love to be in the kitchen with her....

and I am going "oh oh oh oh" inwardly. Because I want to be baking a cake with him. But I love the picture of him in a kitchen baking a cake with his daughter whom he loves...

quote:

What objects or things your T has or shared, brought up feelings? like closeness or some sort of wondering or fantasy...

(((DGUOM))) My therapist breathing is enough for me to bring up these feelings and fantasies. A lot of my work with him has centered around discussing my intense feelings for him and my longings for a relationship beyond therapy.

I know this is painful and confusing to feel, but it's actually a sign of health that you are longing for this. All human beings need to be loved, cared for and cherished. You deserve that. But from what you've shared, its not something you've received from your parents. So experiencing the care from your T that you should have received, but didn't, is evoking those desires. Of course you long for her to be your mummy. The reason these feelings are scaring you is that because you've received abuse from your parents, in the past your desires to move closer (again I emphasize, normal, healthy desires and needs) have led to you being hurt. So when you feel like you want to move closer to your T, your experience is telling you that you are wanting to do something dangerous. I know that its very scary to express these thoughts and feelings to your T, but it would be really good if you can do that. From what you've said of your T, I think she would be very accepting and understanding of how you feel, and it would be good for you to be able to talk about how this is making you feel.

AG

AG: I have the same fantasies. I long for my therapist to be far more than just my therapist. I've told her this and indulged in how I see her. Sometimes as a parent, as a close friend, a lot of the time as a lover. I admitted to her that I was confused about the strong sexual desire that crops up for her and the need to seduce/impress her to coming into my world. I told her that my fantasy was for her to say to me one day 'scrap the therapy! Lets have a coffee. I want to be your friend'.

It is SO hard to work through this. I tell her quite regularly how I feel toward her. I always have that inner fantasy that one day something might happen but I'm forcing myself to balance that through because I know it won't happen.

I had a really melancholic dream about it as well. About her flitting around and doing things and ignoring me and not having enough time for me.

It pains so much sometimes.

Forgetmenot-I totally have that same feeling (ditch therapy...let's go for coffee) with my T. I soooo want to have more time with her than one hour every three or four weeks. I wish we could hang out and talk about psychology, theories, books and articles and other such information. I have never called her on her cell phone in between sessions nor have I e-mailed/texted her. I fight hard to not lean on her too much. She did tell me that I could call her if I needed help on my homework, which I thought was sweet.
I really don't know where her boundaries are, so that gets confusing sometimes. I don't want to step over the boundaries. Once in a while I do think she would be the type to go out to coffee.
We both discussed that she is more of a mentor to me now that we have moved passed my major crisis. I just don't know what she means by mentor. Only during sessions probably. I guess this is what I have to discuss with T next session.
To all who feel this way...

oh yes, I'm sure many people here can relate! I really long to know more about my T.'s life. What does she like to do in her spare time? What is she like with her friends? Etc. Etc. And of course I want very much to be closer to her, to be able to contact her when I need her, to be able to stay in touch once I have to leave therapy. I've had a similar situation with a teacher I once had where it did move into a friendship. It was wonderful, but the attachment was so overwhelming that it created problems too. So now I harbour all these fantasies that it could happen again, that my T. could become something more like a friend. The longing for a mentor figure and for someone to be there is so powerful and painful.

ugh
I can relate to ALL UR REPLIES ...Im feeling worse..
I just found a picture of her daughter and her husband



I feel like how can she care about disgusting me...
when she has them...

Just a quick question for you: Do you only love one person? I know I love many people in my life and my love for one doesn't diminish the love I feel for another so I bet it is the same with your T. My T is super strict with boundaries and, like AG, I think its for the best that way even though I long to be a part of my T's life. She is getting married in September and yet won't share any of the details with me. She accidently posted something on FB that was left open to the public for a few days and from that I was able to see many of her friends including some who had pictures and VIDEOS of my T. At first I couldn't believe my luck but now I feel terrible that I have that insight into her life. Its a double-edged sword. Trust that your T does care for you even though he has a life outside of the therapy room. Hang in there.

I just saw my T's wedding ring yesterday when she reached for the door to open it for me and I did too at the same time, both with our left hands (after 20 months)....not sure if it is new or not....but it sure evoked feelings in me, that I can't name yet.

<3

I noticed today that my T was not wearing her wedding ring. But I haven't been observant enough to notice when she stopped, or to even be entirely sure if she usually wore a ring on her left hand or not. I don't tend to notice those things. So now I'm wondering about that. It brings up a lot of feelings for me. I wanted to ask about it but was too afraid of crossing a boundary seeing it's none of my business.

My t doesn't have a wedding ring and ive seen her out walking around in town twice and she's not with a partner.

it makes me feel better unfortunately, that i can safely assume that she is not with someone but this is just an assumption of course. she could well be in a very happy relationship.

i dont knwo what i would do if i found out she was with someone. id be very sad and jealous. definitely jealous. and very wishful.

there is a hefty amount of pain incorporated within all this *sigh*.

sometimes i think about hugging up to her but it would emit so much feeling. i dont know how id be able to deal with it because it would be so foreign to me. like i feel id want to hold on to her forever but at the same time, im so scared of even the thought of touching her.

ive become obsessive enough. ive done tarot on her before. i believe in elements of the tarot. its been spookily accurate for me in the past...according to the tarot she is quite a happy person! lol. i dunno. i asked the tarot if she was in a relatinoshp and mixed cards came up.