So my T has just not been looking good lately and I've been really worried that he either hates me or something really difficult is happening in his life.

I've been consciously trying not to contact him out of session because of this but on Friday night, I felt so bad and I had felt really bad all day so I impulsively shot him an email. He got back to me almost immediately with some nurturing and words of advice.

On Saturday, he emailed me around noon to ask how I was. I thanked him profusely for checking in on me.

I don't know quite how to say this next part but I'll try. You know how when someone is telling you it's okay to come close and lean on them but you sense something is wrong with them. You sense that if you get closer, they might snap at you.

So, I've been worried about this happening with T. That he's not being honest with me about something and I'll lean on him a little too much and he'll just lose it and push me away.

Today, I asked him again how he was and he said good. I told him that physically he really looks strained so then he asked if he could tell me something about his other clients. I said yes.

He told me that, he doesn't know why but everyone is in crisis ALL THE TIME lately. It's spilling over into the morning, the afternoon and the evening, etc.

He emphasized that he told me so that I don't think he has this wonderful life (I have tended to idealize him when he doesn't disclose) but he doesn't want me to stop leaning on him. He was afraid if he told me this, I would withdraw so it was a bit of a balancing act. He wants to be there for me.

Back before he and I had our "crisis" there were things he just never reacted to. I had one of the scariest psychological moments of my entire life and he just listened when I told him the details. He didn't offer any support. It struck me as though he didn't care.

I asked him if he knew what might be causing all these crisis and he said he didn't know but that genuinely bad things were happening to his clients lately.

I wondered out loud if maybe it's since he's let his walls down - because of what happened in our relationship - that people are calling more for support from him. He said he didn't think that was it. That genuinely bad things are happening.

But then I wondered after I left today why he never reacted to what happened to me years ago. Is it because he truly was more closed off back then? A bit burnt out? And just not recognizing that in himself?

Then I thought that he definitely didn't have to touch base with me on Saturday. That he put the pressure on himself to write to me. I hadn't been expecting it even though I really appreciated it.

So now I think that my T is not aware of the fact that he's contributing somehow to his stress and his need to be perfect.

Then I started to think about my mother and her need to appear perfect. The friends I grew up with all thought we had the perfect family and yet we were so far from perfect.

I thought about her inability to express anger until it came out passive aggressively. I thought maybe that's why T feels so scary now even though I don't think he's entirely aware of his role in how crazy everything has gotten.

He's gone out of his way to make me feel important to him. I know that I am. But he also has other people that are important to him too and maybe it's time I grew up and accepted that?

I'm just kind of rambling and trying to process my session. Don't know if any of this is making any sense.