quote:

Do any of you feel uncomfortable at the thought of T's name? Do you ever enter the sessions and mention they're name whilst talking at any time?
Do you manage to find it more comfortable given time, to think or use first name's in session?

Even when she uses my name sometimes, it hits me. It feels very personal and a little emotional...

I can relate to this. I have said both my T's names before while talking with them, only once with each of them... the thought of their names is easier now, but saying them? Oh that is hard. It does feel personal... one T has a PhD so I called her Dr. (first name) even though she said to just call her by her first name. Using "Dr" helped my head feel like it was less personal...

Both my Ts have used my name while talking with me, but it is rare. When they do, it feels a little like when one T asked me to make eye contact and I did. It was like this moment that was just really emotional when I made eye contact. When she said my name once... it was kindly... I don't understand it so much why it is like this for me. When others, like instructors or professors, or even the nurses at the doctors office, use my name, it doesn't feel personal.

But eye contact with my T has become easier, without losing that sense of her role. For me, I need her role as a T and not a friend to be clear.

Hmmm... now that I think about it, my mother rarely used my name much...

Interesting observation and topic Nada. I don't have any inout on how it can get easier, but I can really relate.

~ jd

I have been with my T for a year. In that time, I am fairly certain I have not even been able to say "Dr. _____" or even "Dr. [initial]." I have written to him (emails and texts) and used those, but never uttered any part of his name verbally. I told my psychiatrist I'd probably be the same with her (when she said to use her first name) and she said that was very interesting, like an issue with identity or something.

T using names has a very intense effect on me as well. I know for sure he would be fine with me using his first name, but I can't even manage his last or his title. I really can't explain it. It would feel very connecting to use some sort of name to him, but it gives me an anxiety attack to think of it for reasons I can't even comprehend, much less explain.

My T introduced herself to me initially with just her first name, so I knew it was "okay" for me to use it. Also, she doesn't have a Ph.D or anything so it's not like I can call her "Dr.___"

Still, at first I felt deeply uncomfortable with saying her name, so I would just never call her anything. I think it was a way of keeping her at a distance from me personally. It felt safer.

She would always say my name, though, at the beginning of the session when she greets me. It has a curiously warming effect. And at some point, a couple months into therapy, I found myself reciprocating without really even thinking about it or consciously having decided to do so. Kind of neat. I feel like for me it was a way of acknowledging and accepting the connection we have. . . hmm, I don't think I've ever thought of this before now, though.

Interesting thread, Nada! Thanks for bringing this topic up.

I use T's name and T has always been her first name to me as we have known each other for 15 years. We even abbreviate our names - we both have 2 syllable names and yet both of us abbreviate them (as most Australians do.....) That makes it feel intimate, friendly and caring. She refers to herself as the abbreviated name also in emails.

Young T would use my first name - usually to get me back on track or to make a point - when she did so, I found it unusual. She had an accent and said my name differently. I liked it but it felt strange. I would use her first name also to refer to her.

It is good to reflect on it here as it did cross my mind a few times about how it felt strange - but I hadn't ever collected my thoughts about it.

I never refer to mine by name. It is easier to keep them at a distance that way. It keeps the knowledge that therapy is an artificial construct.

I refer to her by her first name, but I also have nicknames for her, too...which I am scared that I am going to slip and call her in session sometime. LOL!

My thing is when T says my name. THAT's weird to me. I think I got into trouble and my parents would say my name...and it's the only time I ever really heard it. So, when T says "Broken," I kind of freak out.

I've told her that.. she doesn't do it often, but she does do it I think when I am about to dissociate.

--B

Oh Green, you gave me the laugh of the day, picturing you throwing your T's name around and him copying you.

My last T referred to herself as "Dr. Brown". But in my mind, I called her Mary. And, when she called herself Dr. Brown, I would kind of roll my eyes and think, will you just get over it Mary? She would even say things like, Dr. Brown made a boo boo. I left her.

My new T always refers to himself as Tom. Like, when he calls or leaves a messages, well he'll use his full name, hi, liese, this is Tom Brown. But in my mind I can't think of him as Tom and I always refer to him as Dr. Brown.

I think it's odd that I do that, but I think it has to do with their boundaries. I'm not sure my first T had strong boundaries and came across more as a girlfriend. Current T has very strong boundaries and comes across as much more professional. Then again, maybe it's a gender thing.

He also got his Ph.D. right out of college while she went back to school in her 40's or 50's to get it. So, it was all new to her and maybe she relished calling herself Dr. Brown.

Nada, I've been with my T for almost 4 years now and I still have never called him by any name. Once I wrote him a letter and wanted to address it to Tom but didn't feel comfortable. And, I didn't feel comfortable addressing it to Dr. Brown either. And, so I addressed it to Mr. Here and Now, a little joke between the two of us.

Since then, I've written a couple more letters and just don't put in a formal greeting at all. And, when I leave voicemails, I just say, Hi, it's Liese.

I'm hoping there will come a day when he will just be "Tom" to me. I think it will signify my ease with and acceptance of the relationship. But I can't do that yet.

And, so 7 weeks is still such a new relationship. You have to feel your way and see what she's comfortable with and what you're comfortable with. Or you can ask. Or you can just avoid it like I do.

Liese

Thanks for all the replies.

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It does make me feel a bit too noticed or seen when my DBT T says my name in session. It does bring an intimate quality to things. I'm so thankful for the job I have which really pulls me out of my comfort zone so I've learned how to be comfier with names than I think I would normally be inclined to be.

Same here. She said my name once and it almost felt like she was 'teachering' me. It actually felt more formal interestingly.

quote:

And, so 7 weeks is still such a new relationship. You have to feel your way and see what she's comfortable with and what you're comfortable with. Or you can ask. Or you can just avoid it like I do.

It is still very new, yes . We shall see what happens in the future. I don't call many people by they're names actually. I wonder if its a subconscious attempt to keep people at a distance.

One time, my T actually asked me what I call her in my head. I forget how the topic came up. But I remember saying that I didn't really call her anything, if anything, then her entire first and last name all jumbled together.

I've only sent her a couple of e-mails in the entire time I've seen her. The very first is written to Dr ________. The second, a few years later, is written to "First Name."

I don't know when I made that transition but it did happen. I must have gotten more settled in / comfortable with her... or maybe just more confident in myself.

Hi forgetmenot...don't know if I've posted on a thread of yours before, but nice to meet you...

I have an issue with saying my t's name. He uses his first name, and it is very casual, and something about that makes it safer for me in terms of being able to talk to him, since it hold transference at bay for me. My old T insisted on being called Dr. ***** and I really loved it. I liked to call him Dr...it almost felt like saying "father" and it made me feel safe and comforted, that he was older, wiser...in control. And once I sent him an email with his title in small letter, and his first name capitalized..I did unconsciously, but I noticed that he responded back, with his title capitalized, and his first name all in small letters, and then a smiley face. It made me totally happy. So weird. But it really fueled my attachment to him, which I never felt he really totally accepted. Now I do not like to say my T's name by first name, but I make myself do it, because I don't want to feel like he is bigger, better, older, smarter and wiser than me. I don't want him to turn into a guru or a mentor or a father-figure for me, because I know that then I'll end up in the same hole I was in before, completely unable to open up to him, paralyzed by my idealism of him. But I don't know anything. Maybe it really is ok to have those feelings in therapy, but for whatever reason it just didn't work for me cause I couldn't function with him like that. Guess it was just too hard for me.

Well, that's my personal experience with the name thing..what a trip therapy is.

hug,

BB

Blackbird: Nice to meet you too!

A trip it is indee!. Even if I think of my T's name it makes me feel...I'm not sure. Like I want to hug her and kiss her and say 'Come with me, lets go fly around the world!'. It becomes too overwhelming. Too interpersonal right now. To embarrassing. If I used her name in session, I don't know what I would do. Run out the room I think and go red or something..

She says my name every now and then. It feels very formal rather than comforting for some reason. It almost feels like she is telling me off/being very stern. Perhaps it relates back to when my name was called at home, I usually associated it with 'Going to be told off now'.

I can't envision using her name at all really. But who knows what may happen in the future. She might countertransfer onto me, fall in love with me, and we'll get married and dance off into the sunset.

One can dream. Musn't dream too much. I have a tendency to dream of lovely ideals like that. And then reality hits me. Bam!