Tuesday (granted, offered an extra session we didn't have scheduled), start 10 minutes late (normal), find out 25 minutes later that he accidentally double-booked, come back in an hour and start 20 minutes late.
Wednesday - all was well, thank God.
Nice guy does check-ins w me Thursday and Friday.
Saturday Skype call - texts if we can start an hour late, actually start only 40 minutes late, gets on the call and apologizes that despite reassuring me that he would read the journal (after me saying he didn't have to), he couldn't make time, has a good reason, but THEN tells me we also may need to cut short as one of his sons and his family are in town. I shut down and try to push him away, but he helps me stay with the feelings and I eventually explain the kids screaming about how they can't count on anybody and then feeling too scared and guilty to tell him, because if he feels bad, they will be "bad" and feel awful and guilty. We talk about this, the taking responsibility for his feelings (which he would have known if he read the journal), and I have to sit through an excruciating back and forth where I repeatedly reveal my guilt for allowing him to stay on the phone and he reiterates his choice to do so and his care and my not being guilty or manipulative or bad or undeserving or unworthy.
Also, I get to hear his cute little grandkids come and greet him and him to explain that he is on the phone and will be out in a little bit, and then his son too (I think). Ouchy. I mean, mostly it was sweet. No resentment or anger or jealousy really, because his voice to them sounds like his voice to us, and that is kind of beautiful to hear. But, just, these little kids are spending all weekend with him and we are very alone right now.
I have never sat with that much internal upset and need to push away and flee and never trust again for such a long time without actually running away or dissociating (running away internally). I guess that is progress. I guess that is trusting that he is going to be there despite the pure terror running through us about what happens when we tell him that he hurt us, let us down and we feel betrayed. What's worse? Even more overwhelming than the betrayal is the guilt for feeling that way, the guilt for letting him know those feelings were there, the guilt that we might affect him in any way.
Part of it, he is having a very off week with scheduling. I've never had this many issues happen in one week, even though he does tend to start late. Part of it is we're receiving TONS more from him than we have ever allowed from anyone (and that combines to make us afraid of withdrawal or manipulation and guilty for not being appreciative enough). Part of it is just H is out of town and I'm so sensitive right now. A huge bunch of it is that honestly, in terms of what T does and offers and these little slip-ups, it's really nothing, but he touched on a HUGE container of being betrayed and let down and not being safe to express them so it all got stored up. So, there is anger and then immediately fear, since the anger/upset was so threatening. Just a huge mess that I get intellectually, but cannot stop feeling, cannot stop believing that he is going to be like the rest and walk away or threaten if it gets expressed.
I'm all mixed up. There is so much appreciation for all he does. It is A LOT. Sometimes, things will not work out. That is normal human relationship stuff. Sometimes, stuff comes up and there is no helping it. He chose to make this conversation a priority even after his family arrived and that says a lot. But that itself triggered SO much guilt for him wasting time on a nobody, when there were so many somebodies waiting to see him. He doesn't feel the same, obviously, but then he just doesn't know me well enough to know I'm a nobody. Some of it is just that he messed up multiple times in one week and it was just one too many times. Literally, ONE less time would have been OK to deal with. The first four or five were fine, through to when he couldn't read the journal (disappointment, but not anger/upset/fear). Then, when he said he might have to get off the call early as well, that was just it. It was too many disappointments in one week and there was no way to believe he wanted us around anymore.
It feels like if I share these kids' hurt and anger with him, it will kill the relationship. They are too scared to even touch it. It's like there was this period of time when I used to get shocked every time I opened a door and then it stopped, but for over a year after, I would still pause and flinch before touching a door handle. They won't get shocked, I know it, but they are pausing and flinching. It used to be running away. That is progress right? We tried to push him away and he gave us the option of an out, but kept saying how he wanted to try to end things right, more positively, to have some time of connection and even though I kept thinking it was impossible, his being willing kept me with it. I went, at least, from sure I was going to SI to thinking I can sit through it at least until tomorrow.
Now, I can't stop thinking that he hates me or if he doesn't, then his family hates me, and they know there is this pathetic client who has to steal their time away. And the reason I can't stop feeling that way is that I could have just shut down, dissociated hard, used other horrible coping mechanisms, but I could have done without his help and his time. And because I could have, I SHOULD have and now I am wrong and bad and guilty for ALLOWING him to waste his time. I get it, not my job to decide what he is allowed to do, but then I feel guilty that I did something, behaved in some way that makes him WANT to do it, which means I am wrong and bad in another way, manipulative or just dishonest about how horrible I really am, because if he knew, he wouldn't want to help.
Sigh. So much stuff stirred up all at once. It's like every dysfunctional message I have in my brain is all lit up like a Christmas tree, but with shame/guilt/pain/fear instead of pretty lights and ornaments. ARRRRGHHHHHHHH!
Sorry if this is weird or incomprehensible, it was all just stream of consciousness, which is rare for me. But, I stayed with him through it. That is something. And I told him most of the stuff I wrote here. I tried to push away and he held still, let me come and go as I felt. He stayed, so he's not going, right???
