Aww Jilliann, that must have been so confusing to see your T hugging someone else! And even worse that it seems to reinforce your existing negative view of yourself as disgusting somehow.

I just wanted to give you a little perspective from my own therapy. Many times a T is avoiding touch with a specific client not because they find the client repulsive in any way but because the client has not expressly asked for touch and the T is therefore trying to respect the client's space and wait until the client is ready. It's very unusual for a T to offer touch if it hasn't been asked for directly, because the T might think the client would then feel pressured to accept the offer. My own T did not touch me at all for many months until I finally started asking for stuff (a handshake and then I worked up to a hug). Now because she knows I am usually OK with hugs she will offer sometimes or put her hand on my shoulder spontaneously, but she never would have done those things in the beginning.

I am sure you are not repulsive! If you want a hug I am hoping you can work up the courage to ask!

(((jillann)))

I'm so sorry for and saddened by your experience I agree very much with the other posts, that if you could possibly talk to T about your feelings it could really be healing, especially discussing how seeing the hug made you feel about yourself.

I also have ED history, and I know that comparison with other people is majorly triggering, as well as feeling any hints of seeming rejection. Your pain resonates with me I hope so much that you can speak with T, and gently know that you are not disgusting. (Not saying that to invalidate your feelings, just wanting to reassure you of your value and worth)

Thinking of you AH

Hi Jillann,
I totally get where you are coming from. Before my T and I touched or hugged I saw my T give her little boy client a hug goodbye. I was so jealous of that little boy and I thought my T was so wonderful to give him that. I loved her more by getting down to his little 4 foot height and hug back. It was good and it was heartbreaking. I had not received anything like that from T.

That being said, with my history I learned over time that T was waiting for me to be ready for touch in therapy. Eventually, it was a quick touch on my knee as she handed me a tissue, then her asking if she can sit next to me when I was crying or holding my hand when I was terrified in processing traumas. Gradually, we worked up although I didn't even know this was "happening". She gave me what I could tolerate over time. Now, we hug, hold hands etc. During trauma work, she never comes close to me or touches unless she asks first. I have now learned to ask for it too.

This has been so helpful for me in my therapy. Didn't mean to ramble my story on your thread, but maybe it will be helpful in some way.

(((jill))) d'oh I've not had my T double book, but I've had a client come in at the wrong time, thinking my appointment was theirs. I was nerve wracked. I'm so glad your T was able to see you though. Phew!

Like BLT, my T doesn't touch some clients and didn't touch me for a significant amount of time. She told me she'd wanted to and that I was one of only 2 of her clients she didn't touch and she said (and never offered it) because I was just so terrified of her. Now hugs are a tradition, but it took an uncomfortable while for that to occur. T also hugs her other clients in the waiting room sometimes. She's a buggy-person in her "real life".

I can see how upsetting and weird that would be, and feeling disgusting also You know I understand the ED stuff with you there. How perfect do you have to be to feel worthy? That's a question I so often ask myself, too. T avoided incidental touch (and I'd stand about 4 ft away from her to hand her my cheques, and as she said basically run out of the room). I thought she thought I was gross too. I often feel gross when she touches me now, just being so body conscious... sometimes I feel worse about me after hugs or some touch in session I will have to refuse.

I hope you can talk to your T about this - as hard as it would be, I know easier said than done - but in time it might be easier. It's so hard with EDs though because your image goes back and fourth and all over the place and we can convince ourselves of a great # of things. It's so hard to understand the inside stuff



xo

quote:

T

Jillian- I'm sorry that you feel that T is disgusted by you, and with an ED I can understand what you are feeling. I deal with an ED as well, and it really punishes a person and makes us feel worthless, and unloved, but WE ARE VERY WORTHWHILE!!!!!! Be assured by talking with your T and letting her know what your feeling, otherwise she won't know about it. You need to be honest about it to heal. I do know how hard it is to be upfront with a T because of fear of rejection, but without that honesty with your T you cant get a strong emotional bond, and that bond with your T is how you will heal. You are "LOVED" and I'm thinking of YOU..

I have dealt with seeing my Psychiatrist hugging other patients in front of me. It felt like it was going to kill me. Especially because at that time I had already been seeing him for about 8 years and I longed to be hugged by him. I was so jealous but I felt like he didnt really want to go anywhere near me. I figured he would see me the way I saw myself which was disgusting and why would he want to be near me much less hug me or anything else. Every time after that when I went to see him all I could think about was when I saw him hugging the other lady.

Because it was causing me so many problems I finally wrote him a letter telling him how much it was bothering me to see him hug the other lady. I got this idea from a therapist that I used to see. I was dealing with really strong transference towards my psychiatrist so this did play into my issues towards being jealous but I would have been jealous either way because he was the strongest male role model in my life. And my psychiatrist new about the transference already.

In the letter I told him that I thought it was a little insensitive that he would hug another patient in front of me knowing the way I felt about him. But then also went on to tell him all the feelings I was having about wanting to have hugs from him and the jealousy and everything else behind it. I gave it to him at my next session.

I was actually really scared and embarrassed to do that but knew if I had any chance of ever getting a hug from him that I had to do it. It actually went pretty well. He told me that we would talk about it. He apologized for not being more sensitive and thinking about me being there and how it made me feel. He also made sure I knew that he did not see me the way that I saw myself. Then he told me that we would start out with a handshake and work our way up to more contact as we worked through the feelings and the things in the letter I wrote him. There were times I got high fives and there were times that as I was walking out that he put his hand on my shoulder to walk me down the hall way. On my last visit when I told him I was taking a six month break from seeing him which turned into being a permanent thing, it has been two and a half years now, he gave me a big hug. And it was worth the wait. But from the day I gave him the letter there was always some kind of contact with him to let me know he was not trying to avoid me and I think he always knew what I could handle at the time and did it on that level.