******possible trigger warning*****

I don't know if this topic might be triggering for some. I've never given a trigger warning before but thought it might be appropriate.

Have never talked about my trauma with my T except for a very brief mention of it by me at the beginning of our relationship 3 years ago. It was in the context of, "my former T thinks the "trauma" is causing all my current problems." Then I rolled my eyes, as if to say how ridiculous and he rolled his eyes with me and that was the end of the conversation.

I decided at some point that "it" might be causing me more trouble than I have acknowledged and started researching trauma. Then I found this website. I read an article that trauma is actually stored in a separate part in the brain, not along with the regular memories. And, that the trauma memories have to be triggered and then paired with positive experiences. I think I read that. Now I'm not sure anymore.

Anyway, so since that day I spent shivering, waiting for T's phone call that never came, I decided the trauma was triggered and I've been waiting for my corrective emotional experiences. But I've never ever discussed this with T. It's like I'm doing therapy by myself along side with him, not really letting him in. We're doing therapy parallel to each other.

I decided that it had to be talked about if only so that we are both on the same page. So yesterday, very cautiously, I told T that I had been doing reading on trauma. He brought up the stuff about my brother that I recently shared with him and said, yes, that could be very traumatic. And, so I said, well, there is another trauma not related to my brother. I don't want to talk about it but I know I told you. Do you remember it? And he just stared at me for a really long time. So I started to panic. I told him to just shake his head, up and down or sideways. Just send up a smokescreen. Finally, he said, "I don't know." (When I showed him the CPTSD diagnosis a few weeks ago, he said, but you don't have any trauma. And, so if he did remember, he has to cover his tracks?)

That was it. Just a simple I don't know. And then he went on about how he doesn't make people relive their trauma and he doesn't normalize, etc. I told him that I don't want to relive it but I thought we should discuss it in general terms so that we are on the same page. Our time was over by quite a bit so we had to end. He said we'd talk about it on Monday.

I wasn't upset initially. But today I'm like, what kind of answer is I don't know. Either I told you or I didn't. Either you remember or you don't. And, I'm starting to hyperventilate about discussing it with him on Monday. I've been dealing with a lot of clique situations with my 6th grader lately and it's been a really emotionally trying time for me. T has been there for me. I need T to be my rock right now but I'm not going to make progress if I'm not willing to have the hard conversations with him.

T has been very supportive of me trying to return to the workforce. But I can't focus on what I need to focus on in order to prepare for my reentry. I'm caught up in all this emotional stuff and I can't seem to get past it and let it all go. I told my T that, if it's possible to schedule such things that I want to spend time now sorting through all the emotional issues so that I can put myself back together for my return to the workforce. He said, we've been doing that for the last couple of months. Now, I've promised him that I'm going to complete some projects around the house by the end of January. And then at the beginning of February, I'm going to take an online course that will help boost my confidence to return to the workforce. It just seems to me that a normal person would be able to just get through what I have to do in the house in a couple of days or a week but I procrastinate and get nothing done. I find all kinds of excuses. The kids have off from school. Snow day. Martin Luther King day. I didn't even know it was Martin Luther King day. Someone mentioned President's Day was coming up and I just assumed that it was this Monday. How can I return to the workforce if I don't even know what day it is????